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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why Can't I Leave?

24 replies

Lalaloveyou2020 · 03/01/2021 14:17

I made a dinner for DP for New Years which was lovely but which we both agreed was more like a mousaka than a lasagne. Anyway, DP kept bringing it up and laughing. He did it again last night and I got annoyed because the joke was old at this stage and he ate the whole thing so he obviously didn't have that much of an issue with it. Que talk of me not being able to take a joke, me not liking when he's in a good mood and having to spoil things, me not wanting to see him happy.

He is very nit-picky and I suppose I can be sensitive to criticism, but I do feel that with him I can't ever do anything right. Everything could be slightly better. I could always be a little thinner, do more with my appearance. I am not 'steady' enough for his liking.

The thing is, when single I am steady. I do more things and have more interests. I care less about how I look and am happy to potter around in crap clothes with messy hair because that's my nature. I moved in with him a little while ago and I'm finding the constant closeness very draining. He doesn't get up on his days off until 11.30, but gets annoyed if I want to go anywhere while he's asleep. He never wants to hang around with my friends or family and over Christmas I missed days with them to sit on the couch with him.

He acts like I always need to try harder to meet his expectations but on paper he's not a prize catch himself. He has two kids from a previous relationship who he has to pay maintenance for (full whack because he never has them as they live far away - I am not complaining that he pays this as I fully think he should, it's just a mark against him in terms of income). He also shows no interest in the kids, I had to sort out their Christmas presents for posting as he didn't seem to give a shit as he thinks they're not materialisitic children (sorry, what children don't want presents?). The equity he has is still tied up with his ex and he is in no rush to sort things out. I know I sound like a paranoid android but lately I've started to wonder if he's using it to control her a bit.

Anyway, I know I should leave him. I have a lot going on for me, young enough to find someone else, good job that allows me freedom to travel, a nice personality...but I can't figure out why I feel like I can't leave. He blames me a bit for not being able to see his kids, as he said his ex went mental when he found out he was dating and is trying to alienate him. Though now I know him more I suspect the lack of interest is on his part. We do get on it's mostly good times, but I feel so trapped by him sometimes and responsible for him.

OP posts:

BathFullOfEels · 03/01/2021 14:21

He sounds like a very draining person to be around. Are your kids his? How long have you been together?

Original poster

Lalaloveyou2020 · 03/01/2021 14:23

I have no children, he has two from a relationship that ended three years ago. We have been together two years and living together since March-ish.

OP posts:

Heartofgoldmumof2 · 03/01/2021 14:31

It sounds like the relationship is very hard work on your part mentally and emotionally as you question yourself and he does not make you feel good. Also you are seeing a lot of the compromises you would need to make if you make a future with him in terms of paying maintenance for the kids and not being able to take the equity from the house. Ultimately if he is someone who tends to blame others for something not going right in their lives or not doing something for themselves- do you really want to live with that for the rest of your life?

If he does not enhance your mental and emotional well-being when with him and it’s feels like a drain on you I would cut your losses and leave.

EncoreExaxt4 · 04/01/2021 17:58

No interest in his children

No interest in you, your family or friends

No point wasting a single minute !

Move on to a better life with someone who puts in effort & likes spending time with you

Dery · 04/01/2021 18:01

He sounds like he significantly reduces the quality of your life, OP. What’s stopping you moving on?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2021 18:01

This isn't working. How much time do you intend to waste with him?

RandomMess · 04/01/2021 18:04

I think you are struggling to leave because his criticism is making you believe that if you changed x y z you would be good enough and it would magically work.

Basically I think he is playing on your insecurities!

Find a counsellor/therapist quick and get it ended!!

JustRemembering · 04/01/2021 18:13

Relationships should make your life better - more fun, more interesting, more confidence, more experiences, etc.

This one does none of that, sounds like?

Dery · 04/01/2021 18:17

“I think you are struggling to leave because his criticism is making you believe that if you changed x y z you would be good enough and it would magically work.”

He will always move the goalposts so you’ll never feel good enough but, look, this is a guy who neglects his children. He’s not worth having.

honeylulu · 04/01/2021 18:22

Ugh. Sounds awful. A negger with not much going for him and a crap father as well.

I felt annoyed on your behalf when he mocked your dinner, but repeating his not funny "joke" really seems like he was trying to get you down a peg. For doing something nice for him! A lot of men do that sort of thing. Keep needling away to get a reaction and then act all hurt and offended when you snap back and proclaim you a nag/hysterical/unreasonable etc.

Anyway ... the part where he expects you to not go out even if he's asleep all morning is ridiculous! Selfish self important tosser.

Dump dump dump.

QueenoftheAir · 04/01/2021 18:25

You can survive perfectly well as a single person, you know. Sounds like you'd be a lot happier. Unless this man is phenomenal in bed, then really ...why?

ILoveShula · 04/01/2021 18:32

Are you sure that it isn't a case of him not being allowed to see his children because of her?

I bet that his X kicked him out because of the way he was treating her, and if he does not have access to his DC it could be because of emotional or physical abuse.

EarthSight · 04/01/2021 18:42

He acts like I always need to try harder to meet his expectations but on paper he's not a prize catch himself

That's because he thinks he's more important than you. You are there to meet his needs you see, so it doesn't actually matter whether or not he's a prize catch himself. I've seen this issue so many times - mediocore men who think they are entitled to a model looking partner, or men who think their partners should be a size 8 when they themselves haven't been to the gym. If there's an age gap of 10 years or more between you, that would be the cherry on the top.

Romancer · 04/01/2021 18:43

As Dery says :He will always move the goalposts so you’ll never feel good enough.
How many more months of this do you want to take?
Form a plan
Put timing on the stages
When you start come back and tell us. We want you to feel our support.

C0NNIE · 04/01/2021 18:45

@RandomMess

I think you are struggling to leave because his criticism is making you believe that if you changed x y z you would be good enough and it would magically work.

Basically I think he is playing on your insecurities!

Find a counsellor/therapist quick and get it ended!!

@RandomMess is right on the button, as usual.

wibblewombat · 04/01/2021 18:46

Have a chat to his ex if you can...might be illuminating.

I couldn't live like that.

ReggaePerrin · 04/01/2021 18:56

Trauma bonding.

AlwaysCheddar · 04/01/2021 18:58

You’re wasting your life with him.

Positivelypatient · 04/01/2021 19:05

Not much of a joke if its at your expense is it.

MyOwnSummer · 04/01/2021 19:51

He's manipulative and can't be arsed with his children. Nice!

If you ever have kids with him, he will treat them the same way. I think you know that.

In your post, you asked "why can't I leave?" None of us can see inside your head but some suggestions-

Fear of change
Fear of being alone
Sunk cost fallacy
The relentless negging has had the desired effect, which is specifically to undermine your confidence
All of the above

MaelyssQ · 04/01/2021 19:54

He sounds awful. Of course you can leave. Take a deep breath and tell him it's over. Then go and pack your bags and go.

Oreservoir · 04/01/2021 20:17

Dump his lazy ass. You sound like a nice person, he doesn’t.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2021 20:54

You don't even have children with him. Literally nothing is keeping you there.

Shetoshe · 04/01/2021 23:57

No interest in his own children to the extent that he can't be bothered to send them xmas presents?! That's appalling and I would lose any and all respect for him right there.

You have no ties to this man. LEAVE! You said yourself you have a lot going for you. He is starting to grind you down, on purpose I might add. He will damage your confidence to the point where you will feel completely unable to leave, or worse still you'll have DC with this waster.

Just rip the plaster off OP. Do it.

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