Feel sad that I am the second wife.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

I feel sad that I’m a second wife and that DH and I have a blended family with both our dc from our first marriage. I keep thinking that DH would be happier with his perfect family (one boy and one girl) from his first marriage and fewer complications. I didn’t want to be a second wife - I wanted to make the right decisions first time around and I feel like I’ve messed everything up. I like things to be neat and perfect and they never will be. I had to leave my first DH (gambling and other issues that were non negotiable) but I do think it’s usually better for the children to be with their parents. DH’s wife left him but I was thinking that it’s sad for him that he doesn’t get his perfect neat little family and instead he has this complicated big one.
I’m not sure my feelings are rational at all. I am feeling down at the moment and that is colouring my perspective on everything.

You both have been married and both have children from previous marriages so your both at the same life stage, does your dh feel guilty about you having to deal with a blended family like you do for him?

I get if he had never been married or didn't have children allready and you had allready had been married and had children, I would feel bad about that, but he would of known that from the start and if he continued the relationship then he has accepted that is his future life and is happy to join a blended family for the future

life is not like a movie

Are you ok otherwise OP? Do you feel particularly low in general or is it just this issue that’s weighing on your mind?

Life rarely works out exactly how we wanted or envisioned it for any of us. Maybe your DH would have been happier. Maybe he wouldn’t. Either way, it’s not what happened and there’s not a lot of point either of you lamenting it. Likewise being a second wife. If it was really that important to you, you could have ensured you only got involved with men who had never been married or had children before; but you didn’t, because who we’re attracted to and fall in love with is rarely tidy and sensible like that and this is what you’ve got. Turn the situation another way: you’re very lucky that you’ve met and married somebody who loved and wanted to marry you (and you them) despite it perhaps not being the Hollywood ideal for either of you. Isn’t that great?

@YouBoughtMeAWall

Are you ok otherwise OP? Do you feel particularly low in general or is it just this issue that’s weighing on your mind?

I am feeling a bit down at the moment in general tbh. I am feeling sad and anxious - but I’m not even sure why. Me finding someone without children wouldn’t have made a difference as I already had children and had been married. So that ideal I had could never have happened anyway.

I suppose it doesn’t help that his ex wife is really difficult and I suppose I’m always going to have to deal with her (I knew that before I married him of course) and his dc have doting grandparents and mine don’t. I just feel a bit down about everything.

OP - this makes no sense at all. I’m reading your post thinking how lovely it is for both of you that you found love again and have the opportunity to build a life together, bringing with you the lessons that you will have learnt from your previous relationships. Perhaps it helps that I have seen numerous extremely happy second marriages including my mum’s (Mum met the love of her life in her mid-50s 4 years after her marriage to my dad broke down).

But I know how it feels to get into glass half empty thinking. I can be very guilty of it myself. What would help to boost your mood? Are there any treats you can give yourself? Can you pamper yourself a bit?

It’s probably not helping that I’m back to work tomorrow and I’m feeling super anxious about that. Maybe a walk might help. I just feel a bit jittery inside and have no motivation at all.

It does help to hear about the many happy second marriages too.

OP, if you’re feeling sad and anxious to the extent that it is colouring your views on everything, might you have depression? I remember the way it makes you feel like every decision you’ve ever taken was a mistake.

No, it's not rational. Your DH wouldn't be happier - he'd be on his own, he wouldn't be back in his first marriage, she left him, she didn't want him. And you ended your marriage because you had to.

@adreamoftoastedtonsils

OP, if you’re feeling sad and anxious to the extent that it is colouring your views on everything, might you have depression? I remember the way it makes you feel like every decision you’ve ever taken was a mistake.

I think so. I will phone the GP in the morning. There have been a succession of things really - child in hospital, lockdown, ongoing mental health issues with dd and a new marriage and I think things are getting on top of me.

Life is never 'neat & perfect' and when it is something comes along and upsets the apple cart. First marriages are a gamble. Your young think you've got all the answers and as time go's on you'll face many challenges. You either grow together or grow apart. Second time around you know what you want or more importantly what you don't want.
Be kind to yourself and just appreciate what you do have, it's good to just take stock!

It's strange feeling and I totally understand it.
Myself and my partner both now live together with our children from a previous relationship.
Both of us had horrendous previous relationships and we are extremely happy together and have our final little one on the way in a few months and life is great.... but I have constant anxiety for exactly the same reasons.
I always feel like he would be happier going back to his "perfect family" Evan though it was HORRENDOUS and he was previously so unhappy and now we have what I can only describe as an absolute dream of a relationship.

I constantly still think it and it's a horrible, horrible feeling.

We have to remember just because 2 people have children together does not make it a happy perfect family situation Infact it can be the opposite when two people despise eachother or don't want to be together And the children are so negatively affected.

I have to tell myself the same of course! Daily!

And that how wonderful it is for the children to see their parents loved, and happy and also more people in their life who also love them!

Ours has had its ups and downs but we have finally settled! And the children are very happy.

I know it's easy to say look at it from that perspective because believe me, I have anxiety about this all of the time and my thoughts are so irrational!!

Hope your ok OP. X

It isn't an easy situation, is it - I remember when my husband and I got together (long after his wife met someone else) and we decided to sell my house rather than his. It was a bit awkward living in the house he bought and decorated with his wife, but we've been married 15 years now (longer than they had been together) and the house has been completely re-done from top to bottom, including a really major extension, so I feel much more at home these days. We also have a really good relationship with his ex and her husband - on my insistence she's come over on many family occasions so that she and my husband can spend time with their grown up kids. It does get easier!

I like things to be neat and perfect

I'm sure we all do. Does that happen? Even in families that aren't blended?

and they never will be.

Good life lesson, that.

You have a happy family. Why are you bringing it down over stuff that happened in the past? Now is all you've got.

He just gave me a hug and said he wouldn’t change things. I need to try to enjoy what I have now.

There have been a succession of things really - child in hospital, lockdown, ongoing mental health issues with dd and a new marriage and I think things are getting on top of me.

OP, you poor thing! If you've had all that to cope with, no wonder if you're showing depressive symptoms in the aftermath.

I need to try to enjoy what I have now.

Well, yes and no. Certainly there's never any good in indulging 'what if I had X...'. But if you've had a tough time lately, you're allowed to feel a bit weepy and vulnerable. You don't have a duty to be happy 24/7.

Good luck with the GP.

Well I'm in my first marriage. Husband second (but short first marriage; no kids). We have one son, one daughter, no affairs and guess what. It's still difficult at times!

I think I'm trying to say, look at what you do have. If it's not bad (on balance) make the best of it!