I’m so stupid

[Skyclouder]

Hello everyone

Over the last 6 months I’ve pushed my partner away more and more. Each time I push him away he has to go back to his parents and we’ve only been together 2 years.

A mixture of losing my job, Covid, family issues that have come to a head and just life means instead of leaning on him, I’m frustrated by him. He’s very sweet, kind and dependable. He’s also as strong as an ox emotionally.

We didn’t spend Christmas together as I just couldn’t face being with his family over the break as I cannot see mine due to a mess that my mother has caused. Three of her four kids are now not talking to her as she married an abusive and violent man that abused us.

However, we’ve just spent NYE and the following 2 days together and it was just amazing. Sensual, cosy and very romantic. When I kissed him I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I just love him so so so much.

I don’t think he’ll come back now as it’s my house and I get to decide who leaves. That’s half the problem in that he’s very keen to buy together but this house is my rock, my castle. I’ve never felt so secure and safe. The moment we start talking about moving it makes me very anxious. Oh I’m a mess.

So what do I do? Convince him to come back? Let him go? Or just see how things go?

I don’t want to lose him but I cannot go on hurting someone that I love so much.

How about just talking to him and telling him what you have is: my home is my rock and I do not want to move. I dont think i will ever want to move in the foreseeable future.

Also, you need to stop with the push and pull. He needs to find a place of his own and not live with you when it suits you. So that his life isn't dependant on your mood at the time.

Might be worth looking up 'relationship anarchy'. It may give you a list framework to look at and say 'I want this but not this from a relationship' andhe can see if that is something that suits him too. Or if you just aren't compatable moving forwards.

*telling him what you have told us:

I wouldn’t come back either, if I were him. I think it’s a particularly shitty way to treat somebody, to make their home conditional on your moods. You don’t have to live with somebody to have a relationship with them, and that might be a better relationship model for you if you don’t want to give up your security; but if you have agreed to live together then repeatedly using someone’s home as a weapon is awful. I don’t think it’s “relationship anarchy” to make your partner homeless every time you have a disagreement. If you have regular arguments and fights which escalate to him having to move out then you certainly shouldn’t be living together and I’d question whether you should be together at all, because relationships really shouldn’t be such hard work that in the space of two years you’ve had major “moving out” arguments several times - particularly since it sounds as though some of these arguments are really little to do with him (i.e. you being upset at your mother.)

By 'Relationship anarchy' I was referring to a model based on a set of choices for non standard relationships that has become popular today. It is not what op has atm, but something that may work for her.

I’m just horrible. I was abused physically and sexually as a child and I still have nightmares.

I don’t use this house as a weapon I just cannot face life some days never mind someone wanting to talk in my ear all day.

That one at the top there.
You could look through something like that and decide together what you do and dont want.

You don't have to live together to have a good relationship. I've been with my DP for 2 years and we have no plans to live together.

As pp has said op, you can have a partner without living together.

Also you should just be able to say 'I need a me day' (when living apart) and him to be ok with that and not take it personal.

When times are tough you should pull together. If this doesn’t happen then it wouldn’t be a relationship I would stay in.

What @ComtesseDeSpair said with bells on.

You may have reasons for feeling the way you do but everyone has reasons for feeling the way they do - it’s abusive to use your feelings as a reason to give a loyal, loving and supportive partner a shitty time or bully them by throwing them out if they argue with you.

To use an MN phrase: if you were a man coming on here and saying he regularly threw his partner out of their shared home because the man owns it, you’d get your arse handed to you on a plate.

Look, I’ve done some shitty things in relationships. And I got some serious comeuppances which were entirely deserved. I needed to do serious work on myself and I did it. Stop pulling him back. Do the work on yourself that needs to be done. Maybe you can maintain your relationship on a living separately basis while you do that work, maybe not, but stop dumping your sh1t on him and making excuses for it.

Sounds like a lot of complex things in your past and not easy to unpick. Since it sounds like you really have the motivation, have you thought about getting some counselling? That could help you work through things and realise why you are doing things, then you could bring your reactions more under your control. Good luck with it.

Sorry, OP - I posted before your update downloaded. I understand better about your safe space. That will teach me to be so judgmental. I am sorry.

But for your own sake, do the work you need to do so that you don’t sabotage a good thing when you have it.

I am having counselling but I’m fed up of being a special case. I just want some sort of normality and be able to function.

I don’t want to lose him. I really don’t.

Oh most of us are special cases, some more special than others. I'm sure there are some lucky people with no issues! I think the main thing is to be able to deal with them happily. Good luck

@Skyclouder

I’m just horrible. I was abused physically and sexually as a child and I still have nightmares.

I don’t use this house as a weapon I just cannot face life some days never mind someone wanting to talk in my ear all day.

Then you aren’t in a place to be having a live-in relationship with somebody. And that’s fine, it isn’t for everybody. Your past explains why you feel the way you do and makes it completely understandable; but you can’t visit your own misery on somebody else who had nothing to do with it. Talk to him and agree that you do want to be in a relationship with him, but that the current dynamic of your relationship isn’t working for you and until you’ve reached a place with your counselling where you feel better able to cohabit with somebody, it’s best for you both if you don’t.

How’d you feel if he did this to you?

I guess. I’m having a bad day as I’m missing him and used to him pottering around and just being here.

I know I’ve made a huge mistake and I’ve just got to let him live his life - with me or without rather than trying to make him adapt to mine all the time.

You aren’t a horrible person: you are a person trying to fit into a situation which currently isn’t right for you, and the result is that you are not happy and somebody else is also not happy.

Let him go. You are hurting him with your behavior. You want normalcy etc but you are not ready for it. Try to find some mental clarity on your own first. Sort shit out. Get on your mental feet and THEN you start (re)building any sort of relationship.

Rightnow you are just hurting yourself AND him and if he is really that great you should let him go. Because you want him to be happy. Not to be pushed away time and time again.

Maybe instead of counselling (or as well as) you should look into EMDR to try to desensitise yourself to your triggers?

There's nothing wrong with staying where you are and having a living apart relationship. You haven't been together that long, there's not reason that you should have to push on up the relationship escalator into living together or getting a place together if you're not ready or comfortable with it. Give yourself time and work on getting into the right mental place so you can feel safe in a living-together relationship. It's no use trying to force yourself to be comfortable in it.

@Skyclouder

I am having counselling but I’m fed up of being a special case. I just want some sort of normality and be able to function.

I don’t want to lose him. I really don’t.

Is it the right sort of therapy for your problems? Perhaps change the focus temporarily from unpicking the past to learning ways to cope with your feelings in the present, if your current counsellor is able to help in that way. Maybe you need some other sort of therapy entirely or something to run alongside the current counseling?

If you haven't already, go to your GP and ask for referral to secondary MH services. It sounds like your problems are causing you to ruin relationships with good people. That's a serious impact on your life.

Consider medication too, if it's offered, it might make your feelings more manageable.

You're not a bad person, but if 'treating other people like shit' is what you need to do to cope with how you feel, then you need to learn different ways to cope or you'll end up with nobody. This comment is not about blaming you, it's about finding a solution.

You can’t keep kicking him out though. He’s going to get or should get fed up of that at some point! Unless he’s a doormat.
If you don’t want to live together etc then you need to be honest with him and tell him, so that he can make a choice as to whether he’s happy to live like that or not. Personally I couldn’t handle the uncertainty of living like that long term, or being sent back to my parents.