Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to stay strong during separation

7 replies

havecourage8bekind · 03/01/2021 11:27

Left STBEXH in November for a number of reasons (some might remember the two threads I had going on) and feel good for my choice. I've moved out and into rented with my two beautiful children and settling in okay. He's having regular contact and paying CMS so I'm glad the kids haven't come out of this too badly. However, he keeps professing his undying love for me, apologising, begging, telling me how depressed he is and life is only worth living on the days he sees the children, I'm his best friend and I've just gone, we could've made it work etc etc - I'm talking essays every few days. I'm not falling for it, and I've never doubted my decision to leave, but I can't pretend that it's not effecting me to read these things? I have to open his emails - because that's our means of communication about the children. I try to archive any straight away that I can tell aren't about the children. But I'm human, and sometimes I read them and it makes my heart hurt, like physically hurt. I don't know how to stop myself from feeling so responsible for his feelings and questioning myself as to if I did try hard enough. Sorry it's long! Anyone else got a sad ex that's playing their heartstrings?

OP posts:
WingingItAtLife · 03/01/2021 11:32

Sounds so much like my ex!

I left him middle of November, I'm still living at my parents but am viewing as many places as I can. Also have two children.

My ex goes through phases....
One day he'll hate me and call me a cheat, money grabber, fat etc. And he'll say he'll see me in court over selling the house. Oh and he doesn't want regular contact

A few days later I'll get an apology, a sad message about how much he still loves me, realises his errors, can't live without us.

It's very very up and down.
When he's sad and sends me messages, I do feel very sorry for him. But I try to remember that he didn't feel sorry for me all those times he made me cry. I try to think about all the times he hurt me, and all the reasons that made me leave.
It's not been easy, but I'm getting there. I think it's normal to have mixed emotions at this time x

havecourage8bekind · 03/01/2021 11:37

@wingingitatlife they sound very similar! I think if he was playing sad all the time, I could probably switch off to it but it's the constant change like you say. One day he's emailing asking me if I've got someone else, he wants me to pay towards his loans because even though I don't drive I benefited from his car that the loan paid for (lol!), He understands why I've left and takes full credit....then the next he can't understand why I left because we could've tried harder, we can still make it work etc. It's a head wreck how often it changes? When we do children exchange I never know who's gonna turn up, he's either so down and can barely string a sentence, or he's argumentative and rude! I hope you find a nice house soon xxx

OP posts:
WingingItAtLife · 03/01/2021 11:44

@havecourage8bekind

Yes sounds very similar. It's definitely been hard to deal with.
I have had lots of evenings in tears reading his long sorry messages and of was incredibly hard to stay strong but I know it's the right decision. And then the next time he gets angry and starts spouting abuse/being awkward, I am so thankful i didn't cave in and if reinforces why I left him. He can't deal with his emotions and projects all blame onto other people.
Stay strong ❤️ I hope your ex sorts himself out soon x

havecourage8bekind · 05/01/2021 20:02

@wingingitatlife I hope your ex sorts it out aswell. We need to just stay strong and remind ourself we've come so far from November. X

OP posts:
PrettyPansies · 05/01/2021 21:37

I left my exH 2 years ago, he wasn't physically abusive but he was super controlling. I still loved him when I left but I couldn't cope with the control anymore. He was/is obsessive.

I was pregnant when I left and we have two older kids so I've had to be in contact with him too and even after 2 years he still sends me multiple daily emails stating his love, his (cringe) sexual desires and his thoughts about how we can move forward and get back together.

It's fucking exhausting tbh. I've had to go back to using another person for contact drop off/pick ups because he gets so emotional and tries to bully me into returning.

He also found out quite quickly where we live by putting a tracking device in a new toy he brought for one of our kids.

Unfortunately he is protected in his job and I've had to get help from multiple agencies in dealing with him.

It would've be so easy to get back together with him but for the first time in years I can do what I like, wear what I like, speak to who I like and I am loving it.

I am also able to enjoy my job now without being monitored over the men who work with me.

Sorry this has turned out so long!

My only bit of advice would be: keep engaged with your support services, take everything one day at a time and don't put pressure on yourself - you are only human, his essays will be painful for awhile BUT despite all of this life is so much better out the other side. Flowers

WingingItAtLife · 06/01/2021 10:44

@havecourage8bekind
How are things going with you now? How are you holding up?
I have to admit things are still up and down here.
Found out ex has already had another woman in our family home for sex... But he also said he will love me forever.... Funny way of showing it. I'm trying to not let him get in my head but it's hard. I spent so long with him that I wouldn't want to wish any bad on him but he's being so horrible. Told me unless I agree to spilt the debts (loan he took out without my knowledge) then he'll fiddle CMS so he pays less.... Not that he's actually paid any yet. He's been too busy getting drunk with his new gf x

RandomMess · 06/01/2021 10:48

Have fixed contact and pick up/drop off arrangements and then ignore all emails...

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread