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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"Jealous" over husband's ex

13 replies

Lola0426 · 03/01/2021 10:15

For the past 5 years that we have been married, I have spent the majority of the time comparing myself to my DH's ex more so, in terms of looks.
My husband briefly mentioned about her at the very start of our relationship, 7 years ago. He said it was a 1 and a half long relationship, marriage could've happened between them but she was from a different background, so they had lots of culture clashes and he wasn't accepted within her family. She suggested to leave her family behind for him but he refused. He also said that they split up about 2 months before him and I met. And, that's all he ever said about her. His sister let slip her name once & said they (my in-laws) didn't get on well with her, I looked her up and found out that her & DH went to university together. I'm not a jealous person, I've never been but I have this unexplainable feeling towards her, that i dont know how to describe. I've never met her but through digging on her social media profiles, I saw a picture of her wearing an engagement ring 4 months before DH & I started dating, i was very upset because he said he hadn't proposed to anyone before me. I didn't want to confront him because he doesn't know that i know who she is etc. I also found out she got married a few months after us and surprised her husband with a honeymoon to an overseas city where my husband used to live etc, she posts videos singing to DH's favourite songs & cooks dishes he taught her for her husband.
She's a pretty girl with a successful career.
It sounds very daft, but I sometimes look at her pictures & think she's prettier than me & feel like I was a rebound because he got with me a few months after their break up. Although he hasn't suggested this in any way, I feel like he probably loved her more than me because she was willing to sacrifice her family for him and it was only unsolvable cultural circumstances that separated them. Maybe their relationship was better than ours.

These negative thoughts & me checking her social media is affecting my self esteem and I don't know how to stop or what to think. I feel a bit embarrassed talking to my friends about this subject as I may sound weird.

OP posts:
sheworkshardforthemoney · 03/01/2021 10:36

Rose tinted glasses and remembering the past with a skewed perspective are normal.

Just because they had good times doesn't mean they didn't have bad times too.

You have spun a romantic novel in your mind but you will never know the reality

If all your worst fears are true what would it change what would you do?

I understand what your saying but we can never unscrew someone brain and see what they're feeling. Memories are every changing too.

I would drop it and stalk your own ex's or school friends for distraction

Pandapop101 · 03/01/2021 10:36

I completely get why you are compulsively checking her on social media but this is all linked in to your own insecurities and self esteem.
The bottom line is he is with you, has been for 7 years. Why would he have built a life with you if he thinks she is prettier etc.
It’s so easy to think the what ifs and judge things from our own eyes but he is with you for a very good reason!

tropicalwaterdiver · 03/01/2021 10:55

Honeymoon to the city your husband used to live? Could it be that she just likes the city? Maybe you are looking for connections where they don't exist?
Pictures with a ring... I would think with her husband she wouldn't keep any pics of previous engagements... are you sure it's an engagement ring?
The same regarding songs and dishes... Where is this information coming from?

Alys20 · 03/01/2021 14:39

Your H sounds quite emotionally intelligent, actually. He realised it wasn't going to work with the ex so he ended it. They had no future.

Ignore her online posturing and attention seeking. He wants you, not her!

SapatSea · 03/01/2021 15:09

You are the one married to your H, not her. Do you feel insecure in the relationship in some ways, are you not happy at the moment? Is your H not demonstrative enough with his feelings for you?

"Comparison is the thief of joy" an old adage but one to take heed of here.

surelynotnever · 03/01/2021 15:15

'Unsurmountable cultural differences?' Hmm, she was willing to sacrifice for him but he didn't want her to? Sounds more like he wasn't as into her as she was into him, and so he let it end.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/01/2021 15:20

Ignore her online posturing and attention seeking. He wants you, not her!

Where do you get that from?! Honestly it sounds like this woman is just loving her own life, OP hasn't said she's tried to contact OP's DH or in any way stepped out of line, cooking recipes that you've learnt and singing songs you like regardless of where you came across them is not 'posturing and attention seeking', that's a really unnecessarily unkind assumption.

OP you need to block her on your SM so you can't see her and just get on with your own life! You're making so much out of absolutely nothing and upsetting yourself for no reason. Flowers

ShalomToYouJackie · 03/01/2021 15:21

You posted a year ago that he wanted you to split up and wanted you to move out, could that be adding to your insecurities that you're not good enough?

Lola0426 · 03/01/2021 18:41

@ShalomToYouJackie

You posted a year ago that he wanted you to split up and wanted you to move out, could that be adding to your insecurities that you're not good enough?
Thanks for your message. You're right I have been feeling quite insecure lately, because of that as well as other things.
OP posts:
BlueThistles · 03/01/2021 18:52

How do you know your husband taught her all those songs and cooking etc.. favourite cities etc.. 🤔

Lola0426 · 03/01/2021 19:06

@Pandapop101

I completely get why you are compulsively checking her on social media but this is all linked in to your own insecurities and self esteem. The bottom line is he is with you, has been for 7 years. Why would he have built a life with you if he thinks she is prettier etc. It’s so easy to think the what ifs and judge things from our own eyes but he is with you for a very good reason!
Thank you. You're very right. It's my insecurities getting me down.
OP posts:
Lola0426 · 03/01/2021 19:10

Thank you all for taking the time to comment on my post Flowers

OP posts:
parsnipsnotsprouts · 03/01/2021 19:56

@surelynotnever

'Unsurmountable cultural differences?' Hmm, she was willing to sacrifice for him but he didn't want her to? Sounds more like he wasn't as into her as she was into him, and so he let it end.
Yup. Agree with this. If he'd have wanted her he'd be with her now
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