Ex h just called me a dumb cunt.

[Souvlaki]

This because I told him he was angry because I wont sleep with him which is true. He is taking our small autistic kids out and it’s all about him. He wouldn’t listen to me asking to decide where he was taking them so I could talk my son through it all and he could write it down which helps him. He’s got a tiny flat which he’s insisted is inappropriate for them until now and he must visit our house. Now he’s j dusting on every weekend abs half the holidays. My kids jump off furniture , will pull ur off walls, put wires in mouth etc etc . I have doors all with locks, windows locked, furniture strapped to walls etc etc. I’m terrified. Please advise on how to handle him. How do I get my lawyer to understand the particular needs of my kids with ASD?

Do you think he'll be able to tolerate 2 kids in a one bedroom flat for half of half term never mind half the summer?
He wants to punish you and knowing that you're against this is fueling his desire to do it. Let him experience what it's like to be stuck indoors with restless kids and no space to hide. He will realise that he's out of his depth

Yes no doubt you’re right as long as one of them Doesn’t end up in A & E.

My ex eventually gave up contact despite the court order he insisted upon (because he found it too much hassle to handle the kids on his own). Of course he blamed me for making it "difficult" because he was incapable of accepting responsibility for anything.

I was always worried sick when he had the kids, knowing what a shit parent he was.

Your concern is rightly about your children’s well-being.

Your ex is seeing this as an opportunity to get revenge and not pay CM.

My friend had a massive battle over contact with her abusive ex as she was terrified about how the DC would be treated by her ex.
Then she reached a point where she couldn’t fight anymore. The instant she stopped engaging or fighting her ex started furiously back peddling. She eventually took the case back to court as he missed so much contact and she couldn’t spend her weekends waiting around for her ex to turn up for contact. Handover took place at a train station and she wanted to remove this requirement.

As much as you’re worried for your DC go with whatever the courts think is suitable. It will be terrifying but he’ll either step up and parent his own children or stop turning up for contact (experience suggests there’s a higher probability of the latter happening).

Don’t engage with your ex directly. He sounds likes he only takes the opportunity to be nasty.

OP the poster said not to fight is correct. Unless your ex-husband is a proven child abuser then he will get the contact he asks for.

Ideally you want to agree to your Parenting Plan and not take it to Court. That way he cannot use the Court to punish you over contact he doesn't actually want.

Like PPs have pointed out he will soon stop seeing them unless he can find a new partner or female family member he can dump them on because he won't be able to cope with young children let alone ones with autism in a small one bedroom flat.

Your job is if you agree a Parenting Plan is to stick to it like glue. It also means every time he wants a change e.g. not to pick them up, changing arrangements at short notice, you need to send an email stating that the children are disappointed not to see him and not to agree to the changes unless it is what agreed in your Parenting Plan.

He’s trying to wear you down so you let him comeback and sleep with him. He’s likelihood of finding another woman to put up with him is slim. Just let him take them to the flat. It’s his problem to deal with them. Enjoy your day off.

Thanks everyone. I am not going to fight but try to get a reasonable parenting plan in place. I don’t want to go to court.he will soon see how hard it is . He had not wanted to hear me tell him as he apparently knows it all. He won’t be able to have my daughter overnight as she still breastfeeds abs screams at top pitch if she doesn’t have me beside her. I’m worried he’ll
Insist on that as it will traumatise her.

Once his ndn starts knocking on his door he will likely bring her home...

If your daughter is under a year then no he can't have her for hours on his own. However he should be able to see her 2-4 times a week for 45-60 minutes with you or someone else you trust then on his own.

Once she is over a year she can eat solids so breast milk is viewed as additional nutrition. You need to be careful not to fall into his hands and be seen as blocking contact between them.

So you need to agree that he can have your daughter but due to her age build up time with her on his own over a 6 month period so he can eventually have her overnight.

Don't worry he won't get there if he can't cope with the other two children, but it is not your job or role to point this out.

Put it simply you need to be agreeable and amenable, then stick to your agreed Parenting Plan like glue. You need to make it difficult for him to later take you to Court to get a Child Arrangements Order.

@RedMarauder, i think the OPs daughter is 3 years old, so breastfeeding for contentment rather than nutrition. OP, i know this isnt likely to make you feel better, but she probably won't scream for breastmilk all the time when you're not present. Its like BF babies won't take a bottle of expressed milk from mum, but they will from dad or granny.

My brother was advised breastfeeding isn’t considered a reason for stopping overnight contact for children over 1.. I hope your able to sort something OP

I know how difficult this is for you. And your concerns is your children's well being. As others have said. Give him enough rope and let him get on with it.

My eldest has asd and adhd. But is high functioning. His dad was one for his rights etc. Dealt with the children through threats and aggression.

They were also sleeping in a shared flat on his bedroom floor which he and new gf shared.

Social services were involved but not because of his housing situation. Many families do not have the luxury of having a bedroom each and/or garden space etc. This is not the hill to die on.

Keep a log of his threats. And contact and concerns etc. If you end up in court that will give evidence to your concerns.

They’ve come back and son quite happy it seems. Both stink of dirty sheets, have been watching tv all day. Son wet himself as wouldn’t use toilet. Seem ok all in all. I have been feeling like a zombie all dat- shaky and panicky.

It's hard enough doing it when the child is NT. Well done for coping.

Thanks TicTacTwo. My fears about a flat are

• a fire

-a fire alarm going off

• my son knocking on doors
• neighbours as my son has no boundaries with people abs doesn’t understand who is a transfer etc
• ex not being able to make vecessaey safety adjustments because flat is rented I.e window locks/ furniture attached to walls / locks on doors

The thing about a flat is not snobbery or a lack of awareness that others raise autistic kids in very hard circumstances ( I think if this often when I’m having a hard time ) but more my fears on a practical level related to what I know about my individual children.

All those are things you’re ex will need to deal with as and when they arise.

Although the safety fears would worry me too, would the flat not have fire alarms and basic safety measures in place?

Dealing with boisterous children and the effect on neighbours is something your ex will need to deal with.

If the flat is a single bedroom flat then hopefully your ex will have the dc with him at all times so so they’ll be safe under his supervision purely due to the fact there’s no way to leave them unattended.

Frazzledasarock yes he’ll have to deal with it. It’s going to get harder to as until this point I have provided all the meals, spare clothes etc included everything for any weather or eventuality snd I won’t be doing that anymore , I’m not a dumb c you next Tuesday after all.

What is abs?

I’d try and calm down and breathe
As all PP said he is legally entitled to them , autistic or not
And he will have to learn , and he will maybe lessen contact when he realises how hard it is
But he won’t listen to you , so limited value in debating

What’s you primary concern ? Do you have a genuine worry for their physical and mental health when with him ?

Do you think there might be an element of parental separation anxiety here, too, OP? My MIL took DD to the park, about an hour's walk away, after the first lockdown when I'd had DD with me all the time for the previous three months and it was really quite tough for me, despite the fact MIL had cared for her when I was at work for the entire year previously! I was imagining all sorts of scenarios, anxiety overriding rationality. Do you think maybe you're so used to being with them that you're overthinking the potential risks?

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I’d try and calm down and breathe As all PP said he is legally entitled to them , autistic or not And he will have to learn , and he will maybe lessen contact when he realises how hard it is But he won’t listen to you , so limited value in debating

What’s you primary concern ? Do you have a genuine worry for their physical and mental health when with him ?

There is a lot of incorrect information and views in these answers. A parent isn't legally entitled to contact with the children, the children are legally entitled to contact with their parents - and only if it is safe. He would not automatically get contact at all! Keep all emails and fight for all your worth to protect your children. If he cant prove that he is going to look after them properly, especially with their ASD, then he will have a hard slog getting any longterm contact. If it goes to court he may well have to have supervised contact in a contact centre and only when he has proven he can turn up every single time and knows what he is doing will it then go on to a few hours alone. Don't let him in your property and if you have concerns then don't let the kids go on their own. It isn't your job to supervise, especially as he is being sexually abusive by insisting you sleep with him.

Again, he is NOT legally entitled to have contact with the children - the children are entitled to safe contact with both their parents. He is proving he isn't safe. Let him bring you to court. Keep all emails and texts and evidence. You may want to apply for mediation as he will have to do this first any way before going to court. It can help to scrape off the slew of non-relevant communication and help to create a sensible parenting plan.

As you have no court order he could keep the kids with him and the police would have no power to return them to you as you both have parental responsibility If he is being controlling at this point, he could well do this.

It isn't your responsibility to placate him. It is his responsibility to educate himself and listen to what is best for his kids.