Opinions wanted / should I leave him

[PomPom21]

This might be a long one so apologies/ thank you for reading. First time poster.

Been with partner for six years, married 18 months. Got a 4mo baby. We’ve always had quite a tumultuous relationship- great highs and low lows. I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety since my teen years- he has never seen any mental health specialists but I think he has anger problems.

For the past year or so (since covid started) I’ve been seriously doubting our relationship. He makes no effort at all, doesn’t want to be with me- locks himself in his office for hours at a time. Won’t watch tv with me- always on his phone or sitting with headphones in. I can talk to him and he won’t acknowledge that I’ve spoken, but then gets mad at me when I get frustrated with this. We argued lots when I was pregnant and he threatened not to come to baby’s birth several times. I do all housework and cooking (usually- he has 3 other kids from previous relationship and he’s great when they’re over). We would argue when I was pregnant and he’d tell me it would all get better once baby arrived- things would click into place and everything would be ok. Cue baby boy and I still feel like husband is not engaging with me, he’s OK with our son but very hit and miss. He will not get up to do night feeds, doesn’t really like changing nappies. He will leave baby to scream and cry and has physically blocked me from picking baby up when he’s upset.

We argue every day, in front of our baby and I worry about the lasting impact this may have. Husband knows about my history of depression and whenever I pull him up on things and how I’m unhappy, he says it’s just me and I’m never happy. I always feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him because his temper can pop without provocation- he doesn’t hit things or smash things up but recently has threatened to throw things like baby wipes at me when we’re arguing. He also pushed me out of bed a few weeks ago but he thought I hit him first (I banged knees with him getting into bed). He swears he’d never hurt me or baby but I worry that things may escalate- although there’s been no violence since the push.

I’m currently on mat leave & pay - my work moved cities while I’ve been off though so I don’t think I’ll be able to go back as I don’t drive and I’d be looking at a 4/5 hr round trip on public transport. I can afford not to go back to work if I stay with him- I’m very scared of leaving him because of the financial situation. I would be jobless and homeless with a 4mo and I need to be able to give him a happy and good life. I have no idea where to start investigating things like universal credit or if I’d even qualify if I’m the one to quit my job.

Hubs knows all of this and that I’m on a knife edge of leaving- we sort of make weird dry jokes about it now where we’re talking about separating in a serious but not serious way. Last week he went from wanting me to stay, to wanting me to leave to desperately wanting me to stay again all in a day and a half. We have a mortgage for our house which neither of us could afford to pay alone.

There are reasons to stay I suppose, I don’t hate him and we do have fun every now and then. I absolutely love his three children- who I would also be walking out on if I left him. They’re a good reason to stay. But I also feel like he’s toxic, I think he might be a bit emotionally abusive but I always doubt myself because I know I have A tendency to dwell on the bad things. I also know that being locked down is hard for everyone, combined with a new baby we’re under massive pressure and I just wonder if he’s right and things will get better in time. I think though that his temper has been and always will he an issue- although he refuses to go to individual or couples counselling. He says we can’t afford it and I say it’d be cheaper than a divorce...

I suppose I’m looking for opinions or thoughts, or even advice if anyone has been in a similar situation? Thank you x

The biggest thing to me in this post is he stopped you picking up your crying baby.... I mean...... I'd find this very distressing. A serious talk with him about your relationship with your baby. If he tries to invalidate that then I think I'd have no option but to leave that situation.

I know it is scary when you think about the practicalities and finances. I've been in this situation. There is a way out. It's not as complicated as you think. Speak to people that can give you advise for free such as phoning the bank and explaining the mortgage situation and ask them to explain what would happen in a relationship break up.
If the first person you speak to doesn't have any helpful advice call them back and speak to someone else.
Your local council would be able to help with housing if the mortgage was a no go. In my area its as simple of finding a property to rent within the housing benefit entitlement budget and they pay it.
You should also get legal advice which you'd have to pay for.

I think from what you've written it sounds like you would be doing the right thing to end this relationship

The thing with physical violence is that it slowly increases over time, with some men.

My ex pushed me a lot. Always an excuse as to why, but kept doing it. He would push me over and into things, or stop me from getting up. Made me feel helpless, but I laughed it off.

Eventually he slapped me around the face, holding me by the throat. I couldn't ignore that one. I kicked him out after that, but looking back, the signs were there that he was always physically dangerous towards me, I just soothed his ego all the time and did my best to keep him in check. But in the end, his behaviour was always his responsibility, and he decided to escalate his violence, nobody else.

@mematmiteyoujam sorry you had to go through that. Domestic violence is insidious (my dad was physical with my mum) so I know how it feels to be a child in that situation and I absolutely will not tolerate that for my child. I think part of it is that I still love the man I was with, but not the man he’s become. So it’s knowing where to draw the line with that I suppose.... After a row at 6 am I’ve just got up to him being nice as pie to me. I have no idea if I’m coming or going half the time

Thank you.

That's part of the abuse, too - not knowing where you stand, unsure if what you say/do will be seen as terrible or normal. It's exhausting.

I think you're at the beginning of domestic abuse. He's starting to get physical, pushing, taking any excuse to react physically to you - knocking knees is not a reason to throw anyone out of bed.

He's testing what you'll put up with, and eroding boundaries.

Please don't make yourself financially dependent on this man. It will get far worse the more isolated and dependent you become. If your work moved that far, they must have made some provision for the workforce? (mine paid a relocation mileage for a year etc) Would you actually need to be on site everyday or could you wfh/hybrid work?

@category12 they made the provisions that they would pay for me to get taxis to and from work until I went on maternity - then we would review on my return. I never actually went into that office though (the company I work for merged with a bigger company doing the same...) because of covid I was wfh then furloughed before mate leave started. Now most of the people I worked with originally are redundant so I’m not really sure where I’ll stand on returning

You should get redundancy, so don’t just resign.

But you do need to leave him. He’s abusive.

He's abusive. It will already be damaging your son. Leave.

And do the Freedom Programme course.

Yes

so I know how it feels to be a child in that situation and I absolutely will not tolerate that for my child.

You already are tolerating it.

Leave.

Leave, this won't get better. Start working through the practicalities- call the bank, find out your benefits situation. Look for somewhere to live that suits you being a single mum.

Keep a diary of his behaviour- when you leave you may minimise it in your head and think it wasn't all that bad, keep a note of his actions and how they make you feel, maybe on your phone so it's private and easy access.

How long have you been at the firm? Long enough to get a good redundancy payout?

If you were to move into a rental close to work, would that work? One way or another your relationship won’t last, he will get worse and won’t ever be a good partner

Remember how you grew up? That is one of the reasons you’re in this bad relationship now.

Is this the relationship you want your little one to model? To grow up thinking it’s ok?

That was the reason I made sure to leave. Find whatever reason gets you to take the first step and don’t stop walking until your out and safe

First things first, find out what the work situation is, how stable your job is and what the likelihood would be that you’re staying in the role.

Then you’ll know one way or another where you are financially and will be able to see some of the options you have.

I know you’re confused and bewildered right now, so find something tangible to focus on that will be an important part of the equation- whatever you do.