Going Low Contact without guilt?

[countesskay]

After a horrible argument with mum and adult brother (28) I need to seriously reconsider my relationships with them.

I had been helping my brother move out of my mums for both their sakes really. He is a very angry person at times and has a short temper. But his go too is mental health and fuzzy brain.

My mum sparks arguments too, no one helps me, when she never asks etc.

So to me I was worried about her as my brother gets angrier and angrier.

So I offer to help with rent and deposit to give him a hand.

For context he has moved out before to house shares can't manage or gambles rent and moves home.

Well this place takes dss and is affordable and self contained.

So after working with my mum to organise the move he can't pay for the van as he's spent all the money on new clothes.

I probably wrongly fucking lost it. It's his life in a nutshell.

Does what he likes and gets bailed out.

I decided then to just cut him off I'd pay the rent I agreed too, honestly I doubt he will go.

Then my mum was like what's the fuss about?
Can't see how he's taking the piss? He's not really that bad anyway.

How dare I say anything negative about her son? She told me she was going to call the police on him a month ago!

She's a classic drama llama with sad face emojis.

I've had enough, I feel bad because she has no friends but I feel angry at our shit childhood.

She's either lying about my brother ( who will articulately tell you about his mixed up brain and anger issues ( doesn't do anything about it!)

Or she tried to minimise it.

Either way as the night has passed, I know she's my mum but I'm tired of being the adult and the crutch, but I would like the kids to know her

She also moans with sad emojis that she has no money yet refused help for a debt management plan

Without me she has no friends, she had some but they stopped socialising with her because she has a drink problem

Any advice?

Bump

They sound similar to my mum and brother OP. Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you can cut them out. Some people will just never change! How old are you? What was your childhood like?

@cantmakeupmind yes they are very much alike. When her parents were alive they consistently bailed her out

This has gotten worse over the years for her, like she can't make phone calls without panicking and while I do feel bad for her I'm just fatigued by it all.

I'm 34 btw. Our childhood was where basics were met but things were chaotic and we constantly moved house and school for no real reason.

I'm the oldest for turned into the caretaker, which has lead to huge codependency issues for me

I've backed away from her a lot, I have needed too for my own sanity

You shouldn’t feel bad for backing off, you need to protect your own sanity. People will only change when they actually want to. You sound like you turned out to be a great human ☺️

@cantmakeupmind thank you for your kind words.

I do have flaws and I apologised to both mum and my brother about losing my temper, but not about the things I said.

I'm just finished being the caretaker now, I need to find a way to focus on my own children

You need to be brutal here and leave all of them in the dust.

You are inadvertently enabling and facilitate both of these addicts to the detriment of your own DCs. Also it is totally futile. Both addicts will be back to square one time and time again whilst you are emotionally, mentally, physically and financially drained time and time again.

Every minute, ounce of energy, headspace etc you give to them is depriving your own DC of having a fully attuned functional parent....so that they have an emotionally deficient childhood, later chronic behaviour and MH issues set in and the inter generational dysfunction continues.

YOU also have emotional deficiencies due to the childhood development robbed from you. Spend your finite time, headspace, emotional energy and money on restoring these so that you have live a full life and be 100% best for your DC.

Go total NC. Your DC do not need these people in their lives at all or you being distracted and despondent by their nonsense. This will get worse and worse.

Step away v fast v far. The only guilt you should have is staying enmeshed with these people at the expense of your own DC childhoods and emotional development. Enjoy your motherhood don’t let it be robbed or derailed like your childhood by these two.

Keep posting here. There are loads of resources to help you untangle yourself and feel confident in your decision and not be at the mercy of FOG (fear obligation guilt)

Thank you so much @sssloou
This has escalated this morning, by my mum sending a text to my daughter (12) tell her that she can only see them through their dad (my ex - this is true) and that I'm poisoning their mind and she doesn't know what she's done

This only happened last night, I haven't spoken to DD shes with her dad who is supportive of this situation.

The whole thing with my DD and DS was when I said I wanted a break but I'd arrange for the children to visit. She then started ranting about 'telling them the truth'

I made it very clear that they were not to be dragged into this, as a child she dragged us into everything, I'm fiercely protective of my DC because of this.

So she now gets no contact

So she now gets no contact

This is perfect.

I'm not going to inflict her on DC.

She has started the full arsenal of course, she's 'ill' hasn't done a
nything, doesn't want to be abused

Oh God she sounds awful, definitely leave her and your brother to it. You will feel guilty and shaky for a week or two but it will soon become normal and you will be fine without them. Good luck!

@countesskay

I'm not going to inflict her on DC.

She has started the full arsenal of course, she's 'ill' hasn't done a
nything, doesn't want to be abused

I am not surprised that she has started to manipulate and harass your children. You need to see this as totally dysfunctional toxic emotional child abuse.

It’s outrageous that she has done this. You may not be aware how abnormal this is because you experienced worse.

Your job now is to create a calm and peaceful home where everyone treats each other with kindness and respect and such toxicity is shut out. I would block your DM number from your DCs phones. She is emotionally dangerous to them.

Have a look at the Adult Children of Alcoholics website to see where the emotional injury your DM has inflicted on you and how you can look to heal this wound.

Also read up on parentification and codependency and you will see how you are enmeshed and triggered into “helping” - you can work to change this.

You sound like such a smart cookie OP...You don;t need our advice! You know what to do to protect yourself and your own family.You are winning at life if only you knew and you have the power in your hands to choose the way ahead and be where you want to be in your own life. Use it that power and don;t apologise or look back.Keep going forward one step at a time.Keep winning!! xx