Sacrificing the chance of ‘true love’ for the sake of the family unit?

[Mimi07]

I don’t want to drip feed but also don’t want to make this long winded.
I’ve name changed because I am embarrassed.

The basic gist is - I know that my DH isn’t right for me but he’s not awful (all of the time). Do I stay with him because I want to keep my family together and to me, seeing my children everyday and waking up with them every Christmas is more important than any man. I think.

I’ve spent the last year preparing to leave my DH, trying to organise finances and keep my cool with him because I know it’s not forever. But in that time, I’ve found myself warming to him and with the lack of care I have for ‘us’, maybe it’s made me less critical of him. Which has then made me question my part in our problems.

Im now in a place where I go from being certain that we split up to being certain that we move forwards and I ‘try again’. I’ve spent the last 5 years trying!!!

I could try again but he shows me over and over again that the problem is still there and I think it always will be - a total lack of respect for me and some anger issues.

Has anyone ever felt similar and made a decision either way?

Now that the relationship pressure off what you've found with him is a friendship. As soon as you push that relationship button again no doubt history will repeat itself.

Honestly? I say leave.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Not the meaning but you're unhappiness?

You should make every possible effort to make your family work so that if/when you go you absolutely know you are doing the right thing.

If possible, have lots of proper professional counselling.

And no, that is not acres of green grass out there. One of my family members did what you are doing - she has been v v lonely and isolated ever since. At first everyone was ‘oh you’ll meet someone in no time!’. 10 years on and that isn’t the case.

But it sounds as though you have someone in mind?

I agree with @Closetbeanmuncher that you may have turned your relationship into a friendship so you expect less of him. Is it also possible, though,

that you’ve been expecting too much of him?

Sometimes we expect our partners to “make us happy” in unrealistic ways, i.e., we expect them to completely understand our wants/needs when of course, they can’t. If he truly lacks respect for you and has angry outbursts, those are good reasons to end the relationship. If you’re expecting him to intuitively know what you want ( and he’s not good at this), plus he gets in the occasional strop, that’s pretty normal tbh! Communicating better and perhaps having some counseling, as a PP suggested, might help.

If you don’t really love him, though, and don’t think things can improve, you may as well end it. You both deserve love and respect from your partners.💐

@PersonaNonGarter no, nobody at all in mind. I’ve been with my DH since I was 18 and I’m now 30. I’d quite like a break from taking care of a grown man.

I just know it isn’t right. He doesn’t treat me the way I treat him. He has no respect for me. He lies a lot. He generally takes no responsibility for the family or the house. It’s like an additional child.

I just feel as though I’ve spent the last, at least 2 years trying really hard. He knows exactly how I feel. I’m very honest with him. And the thing that bothers me is that he isn’t trying at all. It doesn’t feel like he’s tying to address any issues or improve himself.

I’m scared that another 5 years will pass and I’m here in the same place. Still waiting for him to be a decent person. If i could see any change then I’d be happy to keep trying.

I just really don’t want to break my family up. Do I just plod on through life for the sake of my kids? We generally get on fine and life is good and we do have sex and their is affection. Their is just this undercurrent of distrust and I always feel like I’m waiting for the next thing.
You know, he’s pleasant until it’s difficult. Until the kids play up or until I have feelings that I want to talk about. Which isn’t a lot. But if I do, he blows up. He can’t handle any difficult conversation. He gets angry in front of the kids. He’s not a very nice person from time to time and at that moment I see him for what he really is and I just despise him.

But I forget very easily. It makes me wonder what happened to me as a child to make me just forget so quick.

Counselling is cheaper than divorce. Go on your own if he won’t go as well.