Can my relationship with my dad ever be fixed?

[Ayeshaxxx]

Since a young child my dad has always scared me, he has a loud voice and is really intimidating when he’s angry. Growing up he would often tell me and my brother off in a really aggressive manner, I remember him trashing my room and slapping me across the face because I accidentally broke a charger at the age of 15. If I bring that up to this day he would lie and say it didn’t happen, as he had for other instances of unreasonable anger over the years. I remember arguments he would have with my mum where he would call me and my brother “her kids”. I really thought he had become better with age but after trying to spend time with my parents over the past few days, he has turned on me for the most insignificant things and he goes into dictator/rant mode where all that’s left to do is remain quiet and hope he stops soon. I think this has affected my romantic relationships and has contributed to my anxiety that I’ve learned to live with.
I get jealous of people who have amazing relationships with their dads, and sometimes I sit and think about my dad and think that he’s not that bad I guess... but maybe I’m allowing the behaviour to continue by trying not to focus on the negatives. He has a stressful job which is why my mum excuses his behaviour, I’m just sick of having a bad relationship with him, do you think at 25 it’s too late to build that bond we should’ve had from the beginning?

You cannot create a much longed-for bond with your father single handedly. He shows no sign whatsoever of wanting to change his bullying, aggressive ways. I guess thousands of us dream of having a loving, supportive father to dote on....sadly, for so many of us that remains an unfulfilled dream. See him as little as possible as he will continue to poison your life.

I'm going to be harsh; you cant fix him, and it has nothing to do with what you allow or don't allow. If you tried to get him to stop you would actually put yourself in harms way. He wouldn't listen to anything he saw as a challenge, he'd ramp it up and get violent again.

And its not just your relationship with Dad thats been damaged. You Mum excuses his behaviour instead of taking a stand and protecting you.
You are tired of him because you are outgrowing him.

Sometimes I feel sorry for my mom as she’s financially dependent on him, so many times I’ve wished she would leave him and now I don’t like the idea of her alone with him. I feel she might be unhappy because of his mood swings.
When I was younger me and my brother used to be so happy when they argued and mentioned divorce but as soon as they made up I remember being bitterly disappointed. I knew from that point as a child that the household was dysfunctional

No, I don't think it can. for you, OP. x

I used to advise my mum to divorce my dad, but she never did. They ended up utterly devoted to each other. Turned out they had been all along, but you wouldn't have guessed from their behaviour.

My mother is dead, my father is eighty eight years old. Our relationship hardly exists. I don't think we can make them what we need. We need to accept who they are. It's sad, though.

@Hailtomyteeth Thank you for sharing, it’s really sad.
I reflect on my romantic relationships and I’ve always gone for men who to be quite honest treated me like shit and I’ve put up with it as I expect it, and I’m only just now putting 2 and 2 together.
I feel I have a lot of work to do on myself

I don't think you can change him, as he doesn't think he needs to change. He'd decide you were in the wrong if you told him he should change. Your best choices would be to find a counsellor to help you deal with all this, and drop to a very low level of contact with him. Sorry, that's hard to accept, I know

Yes, it is too late, he won't change. And it's not worth trying to push water uphill changing him in to a decent human being so that he will become the sort of father with whom you could have a decent relationship!!

My parents' parenting of me was terrible and I admire you for already making the connection between this relationship and your romantic relationships.

My father wasn't as aggressive but he had eating disorders, mental illness, he projected all of his low self-esteem issues on to me, he and my mother prop up each others blindspots and deny deny deny deny deny

I'm seeing a therapist now and I wish I had done it earlier just to unravel what was the imprint they left on me and what I needed to heal a lot sooner.

@Ayeshaxxx I think you would find great comfort in Jerry Wise videos on youtube about dysfunctional family systems and how to disentangle yourself from them. Although, I was the scapegoat, so it was very relevant for me.

If that is not so relevant, look at John Bradshaw's book about family systems. I'm twice your age and I'm still finishing the project of healing, although I have largely unraveled the knots of anxiety and anger they left with me, but that is because I started to figure things out a lot later than you did. I was forty before I realised my parents' strategies for shutting me down and invalidating my point of view and realised that it was triggering me so badly because it was what they had done to me my whole childhood.