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Original poster

When your 6 yr old is hating going to her dads....

18 replies

MyLifeNow20 · 02/01/2021 22:30

I dont know what to do. Christmas day night he picked her up from my dads, she literally got so upset she didnt want to go. I felt so bad but in the end left them to it. He told me later she was fine.
This weekend, she was sobbing so much, didnt want to go. He got back in his car and said hed go home, she ran back to me. I got cross and said dont be so silly and calmed her down and finally handed her over. I felt really sad. He said to me hes not putting up with this every other weekend!
He has her 4 nights a month! He lives with his GF and they have a 2 yr old together(weve only been split 2.6 years) plus she has a 7 yr old who shares a room with DD and snores all night and keeps her awake (her words) they get up in mornings and do their own thing.
I dont know what to do

OP posts:

wishfulthinking101 · 02/01/2021 22:37

I was in a similar situation as a kid. I would trust their judgement if they are getting really upset, maybe give it time not going to the dads and see how they get on and then bring it up in a few months/after a period of time then suggest it again and see if they feel different?

Not sure if it's the right thing to recommend or not for you, but this is what happened in my own experience xx

Original poster

MyLifeNow20 · 02/01/2021 22:42

I just dont know. I say she doesnt have to go but she should see her dad! Shes only 6. But at the same time I dont want her upset x

OP posts:

flipperdoda · 02/01/2021 22:47

Would she be happier with a day visit than an overnight? Obviously depends on the distances involved but maybe removing the issues around room sharing and snoring would help.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2021 22:59

Would she be happier with a day visit than an overnight?

I was going to suggest this as well.

Does she get along with the 7 year old?

midsummabreak · 02/01/2021 23:02

Great idea @flipperdoda could it work to trial daytime visits only? Oh and make sure you plan a day that fits with you, and do something extra nice for yourself during the day.

Honeyroar · 02/01/2021 23:03

When he said he’s not putting up with this every other week what did he mean? What does he suggest? I’d say persist, but that comment is strange. (I’m a stepmum and usually pro dads having proper contact!)

jessstan1 · 02/01/2021 23:03

@MyLifeNow20

I just dont know. I say she doesnt have to go but she should see her dad! Shes only 6. But at the same time I dont want her upset x

I think day visits would be better or your ex picks her up and takes her out somewhere (when going out is possible again); even being at your house while you do your own thing if you can bear having him there.

Going to stay at dad's is not on at the moment.

flipperdoda · 02/01/2021 23:06

Ah, always nice to have your ideas validated

SarahBellam · 02/01/2021 23:08

He is her parent just as much as you are. You need to be grown ups and sit down and have a conversation about this. The go to answer should not be that he spends less time with her. It should be about how it can be made better for all of you.

midsummabreak · 03/01/2021 07:12

Your xDh says he’s not putting up with this every other weekend. When his child is in distress, what is he proposing? To bail out of any contact or to have her punished and made to put up and shut up? Your 6 y. o.’s Dad needs to take a look at how to make Dd feel more relaxed and part of his family. Is he making her feel welcome at his home with his new partner, child and stepchild? He appears to be useless so far.

jessstan1 · 03/01/2021 07:13

@flipperdoda

Would she be happier with a day visit than an overnight? Obviously depends on the distances involved but maybe removing the issues around room sharing and snoring would help.

I agree, it must be a nightmare sharing a room with a snorer, especially as she is used to having a room to herself. I'd hate it.

Lozzerbmc · 03/01/2021 08:13

He doesnt sound very understanding. What do they do at his? Do they spent time on a 1:1 basis or does she just go there and do her own thing fitting in with the other family? That’s what i’d be interested in knowing.

I agree day visits sound like best option for now. Why distress her- i know she should see her dad but is he making an effort when she’s there? It must be so upsetting for her and you.

ShoppingBasket · 03/01/2021 08:21

I'd listen to the child, something is off if she is getting that upset. I'd rather err on the side of caution she may not be able to articulate what is going on in the house. Not saying there is anything going on it might simply be she doesn't want to leave you or her own home.

DianeC2020 · 03/01/2021 08:29

Please, please do not force her to stay over. My kids are of the same age as your little one and the more we pushed for them to stay over at my ex's, the worse it got. My eldest had a few breakdowns. In the end, I spoke to the school counsellor and my GP and both told me that I must listen and not go along with what's best for the adults. It can damage them and cause all sorts of mental health issues when they're older.

My two kids are slightly older, but blamed me for 'taking their dad's side' instead of listening to them. They don't stay overnight and it's made a huge difference. They still don't want to see their dad, but knowing that they won't be staying over seems to have made things much better.

faithfulbird20 · 03/01/2021 08:34

I'd pay attention to how she's feeling and not force the visits if she's feeling upset about it. There might be something going on there upsetting her and she may not be able to express herself yet. Give it time.

lunalulu · 03/01/2021 08:51

Don't force her. She'll never forget it. And it will undermine her emotional stability.

It's all weird fir her and it's horrid going in with the other kid. It's simply over facing her. The bonus family is too much.

Talk to him. He needs to carve out some time just for the her. She should be doing (perhaps more frequent) shorter focused day time visits and the threat of overnight totally removed. Until she's older and can cope.

Don't do this to her. Sort it out with him. You're the adults.

FippertyGibbett · 03/01/2021 08:53

As a child of divorce, I don’t understand the need to stay away for the night/nights.
I wanted to be home in my own bed at night, and home was mum’s house.

Oldbutstillgotit · 03/01/2021 08:57

As others have said , don’t force her to stay over . A short day time visit for a while then build it up if she is ready. Your ex also has to step up, nit walk away .

Flip