I have no one and I don’t know how I will cope 🥺

[Rosemary26]

I’m 29. Some of you may remember me from my recent posts about my toxic relationship and how I’m preparing myself to leave it.

Tonight I feel heavy with sorrow, diving into my errors of judgement, searching my past for how I managed to get myself to where I am now. My spirit feels crushed.

I was raised in an abusive environment with my mother and stepfather, a foul pair who injected poison into a lot of lives. They were criminals. For much of my childhood I refused to believe what I was witnessing in regards to my mother. I loved her. I wanted her to love me. I thought that if only I could be better, do more, I could help her out of her ways. I never could. A memory I can’t shake off is one from when I was 12... My mother had told me that day that my stepfather, the nasty man who had run off three months earlier to be with another woman, was returning. I sat in the bathtub holding my boombox that was plugged into the wall over the water. That was the first time I wanted to kill myself. All that kept me from doing it was my belief that my mother somehow needed me.

It wasn’t until I was 19 that I cut her out of my life. My extended family, they never really understood why I chose to do that, no matter how I tried to explain until I was blue in the face. They were and still are largely in denial about what happened. So much so that they won’t talk with me today. I cannot go to them for anything.

I did find my biological father when I was 20. It was wonderful to have him in my life. He killed himself last year, and I miss him every day.

I have no friends, as I have allowed myself to be isolated by my toxic partner. The friends I had before this were never all that close. I struggle with letting my guard down. The PTSD doesn’t help.

So here I am. I think I have attracted unhealthy partners to me, as I have failed to react to red flags by leaving. I try to fix a person instead. Maybe, in a sick way, it is because that is all I am familiar with and I have been avoidant of ways to heal myself.

I wish I had a close family. I’d give anything to have just one genuine friend that I could turn to. I’m so disappointed in myself for what I have allowed to happen. I will be leaving my toxic relationship. I’ve thought about maybe being single for the rest of my life. Where do I go from here? What would you do if you had no one? I’m so lost and lonely.

You sound like an amazing person, you have survived so much. Leaving the toxic relationship is a huge step, and although it seems like an empty works in front of you, when you have the time and headspace to concentrate on you, you will find better people to be in your life. Keep going, you’re doing the right things x

Im sure someone will come along soon with better advice than me but I didn't want to read and not respond.
All I can say is you've done well to get yourself where you are now. Just focus on each step at a time and you will get to where you need to be x

@ScatteredMama82

@MrsDev1980

Thank you to both of you 💐 Your kind words have me in tears. It’s a breath of fresh air to open up and hear from people.

I couldn't read without commenting, but have nothing helpful to add.

But hang on in there, in my eyes you're just a baby 29. You have so much to look forward to once you get away.

Just get through each day and read any of the books and courses posters recommend. You CAN do this!!

@BuggerBognor

Added to my reading list! Thank you 💐 I know you’re right. I was going through life believing I only had to meet the right person and then miraculously everything would be right. If only it were that simple. I need to learn myself first and look after who I am.

I don't know how well I can explain this, but feeling empty and lonely is a phase you will go through when you start to break free; your previous relationships were unhealthy and you lost yourself in them, catering to another persons needs.
Unhealthy relationships can be described using words like 'enmeshment' instead of 'partnership'. They are characterised by a lack of boundaries, so you feel like you only exist in relation to the other person.
Does that make sense?

Move forward. Your focus looks like it's all backward except for a bit of fear of the future.

Who do you want to be? What would you like to know/have/be 5 years from now? 10 years from now? What shape would your life be?

You don't have to meet the right person. You have to recognise that everything you want, you are responsible for bringing to yourself.

Take responsibility. If you start now, your 5-years-in-the-future self will be pleased you did. It doesn't have to be hard. Even watching a YouTube documentary about something you'd like to do can be enough to switch your focus.

I need to learn myself first and look after who I am

YES!

Well you sound a lovely, level headed, articulate and self aware person to me.

Take some time to yourself and be open to new people.. I'm sure it will come good for you.

In the meantime a hug from me x

It seems asif your childhood has scarred you. Have you ever tried councilling? I know some people are really against it but I myself grew up with divorced parents, father was an alcoholic is now dead and myself and my mother have always had a toxic relationship, a lot of my childhood has scarred me and I found talking to someone who didn't know me or my family eased it abit and the more I delved into my past and spoke about it it did help.
As for not having many friends, I totally get that, I don't know if it was because I longed for a relationship so bad with my mother that other girls had that I treaded with caution with friendships I'm not sure.
I think maybe you try and fix people because you have this maternal feeling to fix people as you never had that from your mother.
If you leave your relationship, focus on you and find out who you are as a person, I wish you all the best x

Sorry op . You have had a rough ride and it seems like you are confronting it... seeing things for how they are that’s good. You can move forward and have a better future. I’ve had a very troubling childhood and early adulthood and I’m at a real cross roads now but I’m determined to have a better life .

Have you tried therapy ? There’s lots of different ones available maybe have a read up ? Best of luck to you x

@nopeaceforthewicked

Thank you 💐 I needed that hug.

@Thelnebriati

Yes, it makes a lot of sense. I’ve been in the habit of losing myself in relationships. It hasn’t felt like a mutual celebration of each other. He’s been giving me the silent treatment for days now, even though we live under the same roof. I might as well have left already.

Thank you for commenting 💐

@Eckhart

You’re right. I’ve long been trying to replace the family I never really had, instead of guarding and nurturing myself.

In the future, I would like to be able to know that I’ve become wholly independent, that I can rely on myself for everything. I’d like to own a home or a condo in my name, to have found a career path that I genuinely enjoy such as one involving helping animals. Once I’ve done what I need to to heal myself and be secure, I’d love to adopt a child. I grew up witnessing foster children being neglected, and I myself know what it means to not have a home or family. I’d love to be able to help and protect a child who is in need.

Thank you 💐

@Rosemary26 you sound a lot more post over today. What lovely ideas for your future. :)

Once I’ve done what I need to to heal myself and be secure, I’d love to adopt a child

So there is a child in your future. That's very exciting. Think about how lucky a child you can make a child who is placed with you, with all the experience you've had, and all you have learned.

And what a great motivation to start treating yourself well. Everything a child needs are things we all need ourselves. You could use yourself as a practice run, and re-parent the little you inside. Give yourself lots of love, have clear boundaries, do things that are good for you and make you happy.