Husbands depression

[Proudmummy2018]

Hello my husband has had some mental health issues for a few years and is now on medication but when he has a flare up like at the moment its so hard to live with. He had a bad spell back in September and the medication has been helping so much since then its been like living with him before the problems started. But the last couple days hes been lower and today been rubbish and i just feel alone. We have 2 children but there young and this isnt something i want to talk yo my kids about and i have no one else to talk to about this. When he gets like it everything is turnt around to be my fault im the worst person in the world he sayings things after he says he doesnt mean he has no time for me and as much as i no its the condition still doesnt make it easy for me and i no when he comes
Out of the low he will understand that but at the moment its so hard. Sorry for completely rambling and probably making no sense

He doesn't get to blame you for his issues.

There is a balance between supporting someone through mental ill health and absorbing so much that it's not healthy for you. You do not have to be the person who absorbs ill treatment which is then written off because 'he wasn't well'. This is likely to break your relationship in the end.

Thats whats im worried about i love him more then anything we have been together for 21 years but its getting down abd making me doubt everything when hes low he says things like he doesnt get to be who he really is how he never does anything in life he wants to do how he acting different to who he is and all thats because of me then when hes not low he says the opposite so i really dont no what to think. I work part time look after our children 12 and 8 i do everything around thw house he works full time very long hours and works a really hard job but when hes low he throws at me at he works more and its a hard more tiring job so he should be allowed to come home and do nothing. I just want to feel like my feelings and needs are thought of some times

Hi, my OH suffers from depression & has PTSD, all this happened when his parents died & his ex wife (who is a narcissist) made him jobless, homeless, left him with no money & turned everyone against him, he was planning on taking his own life.... he then got another girlfriend & she was also a nasty piece of work in the end.......that's the short version anyway!

I've not really got any advice I'm afraid but maybe worth him talking to his Dr. In March last year my OH was very low despite as he would say being the happiest hes ever been. He went to an appointment at the job centre & didn't arrive home. I tried ringing & ringing but no answer, in the end I reported it to the police as I was scared he may do something silly, thankfully he turned up hours later totally unaware I had the police looking for him, he'd recently changed medication & it made things worse, much worse, we had several weeks of pretty much walking on egg shells it was awful, so we went to the Drs together & the Dr tried a different medication again & he still takes it now & seems to be working well as since then hes only had 1 major meltdown but that was due to a different situation.

To start with I always took it personally but now I know not too. Hes always open & honest about it which I think helps, hes probably better at talking about his feelings than me!
Not much help I know but didn't want to read & run xx

Thanks for your reply. He going to speak to his gp next week. How do you cope when hes having a flare up? I find it so hard to not take it personel and find it so hard when it drags on as i just want to talk and resolve a issue but when hes having a episode of it it can last days or weeks and i find that so so hard

@Proudmummy2018
Luckily apart from the episode in March his only usually last a day give or take. He will usually take himself off to bed & sleep it off. To start with I was annoyed as to me it just seemed I'd done something & he was disappearing & leaving me to deal with the kids & spending all day & night in bed but I've come to realise its best for him to be 'out the way' & we just carry on as normal, it seems for him sleep is the best thing & no amount of talking will help when he's like that.
He tried CBT & some talking therapy but it didn't really work. He also used to use wine, usually red to help his anxiety, I'm not a big drinker & we don't have much money so I was getting annoyed how much money he was spending as he'd happily buy 2 bottles of wine a night when we got together, maybe the occasional bottle of vodka or whisky.
4 years on & 1 child together he now buys 1 bottle of wine a week, maybe 2 if its a special occasion & no spirits.
Its taken nearly 4 years but he's certainly in a better place now & having less & less episodes/ meltdowns & wine! Hes also now got a job he's happy in witch I also think is a massive help.
Obviously thats us & everyone is different so its just a case of trying to see what works best for you guys. I like said its taken nearly 4 years for us so it may not happen quickly but hopefully you will be able to find a way that works soon.

@CTR04197 I hate to break it to you but your partner constantly blaming his exes and you saying you walk on eggshells is quite worrying - I'd be concerned your partner is not the saint you think he is. There's more red flags than a communist parade in your two posts.

@CandyLeBonBon
I dont walk on egg shells all the time, he was on some pretty awful medication & the gp even said they don't prescribe it much due to the side affects but it was a last resort, it didn't work & it was only a couple of weeks. I never said my OH was a Saint 🤷‍♀️ but I know exactly what his ex wife was like as she has recently broken up from her new partner as he also realised what she was like, she drove my OH to consider taking his own life as she made his life a living hell to which I have not given all the little details so you have no idea what his life was like. How would you feel if both your parents died, you were kicked out your house when you were jobless & had no money & they were in the house your parents paid for, they left him with absolutely nothing & hes no family & a narcissistic had turned all your friends against you? Things are great now & he is slowly getting over what happened in the past, he was diagnosed with PTSD, its not something you get over over night. You have no idea of our situation so comments like that are extremely unhelpful especially as I was trying to give my own experience to OP to assure her she's not alone.

I wasnt to trying to be unhelpful, I was offering my opinion that your situation doesn't sound as healthy as you might think, based on your comments.

Get support for you
Speak to your gp
Call samaritans or MIND
depression fallout affects the person living with the person with depression.
Counselling for you can help you set your boundaries (and tweaze out what is depression and what isnt)

What @Embracelife said. Someone else's mental health problems can easily be conflated with abusive behaviour. It's a hard path to navigate. I hope you get/have some real life support. Please don't get sucked into the guilt trap. Your mental health and well-being is equally important.

Thanks for all your replies. I have no one to speak to about this at all and right no i dont think my feeling matter at all and no matter what i say to him his answer is not everyrhing is about u u dont understand and when i get upset that makes things worse its why are you crying why do you always get so upset when i reply with i cant be so cold and emotionless as you his reply is it would be better if you were i am just doubting everything so much

trip tot he GP to get mediction modified. If you wantt ostay with your H then I'd look at setting boundaries. Tell him, for example. that he can go remove himself to the bedroom if he is feeling low but that he must not belittle you or make snide comments especially in front of the DC. I'd also think about how H's moods are affecting your DC - perhaps they don't want friends to come over, feel they have to be quiet etc - you'll know. I'd also look at how much you are martyring yourself and if you are a people pleaser (also at co dependency/rescuer tendencies)

Your H must have gone through a terrible time but it doesn't give him the rightt ouse you as his "punching bag"

"i am just doubting everything so much"

Start by trusting yourself. Unless you are holding back on us, you are not the one with ill health here. Your feelings are valid and not many could withstand living long term with someone who is treating you this way, no matter how valid the reason. It will wear you down.

It sounds like you need support, he is not the person to give it to you. It's that simple. You can wait around until this low period is over maybe, take a break if you can't endure. I can't see how this can be a good environment for kids. You need to think about what makes most sense for you and your children. It may be that living with him isn't sustainable and you would be better off apart for both your sakes and for the kids - they deserve an emotionally stable home,

You hVe a gp right?
So make an appt and speak to your gp about the impact on you
Can refer you for online counselling
And you can offload to samaritans or MINd
Put you and dc first

He needs to sort and attend his appts