So, this is going to be a bit long. I was married for 12 years (together 16), one DC. He had the stereotypical 'London Big Job' with long periods of international travel, while I worked part time and raised DC at home in the Midlands. I discovered in August he had not one, but two mistresses on the go, both in London. Found out about the first when she sent an anniversary card to our home, marking a year of the night they 'found each other' in the bar of his favourite hotel. It makes me feel sick because we've stayed there as a family. I told him the only way there was any possible hope for our marriage was counselling etc and it would be very hard work. He said he wouldn't go to counselling because he can't talk about his feelings and it wasn't worth it as I'd never forgive him anyway (true). So I told him he needed to leave the family home. I broke the news of our separation to DC, gave them a whole shebang about how we'd be happier apart but always be family because we shared them etc. Then we went on a planned family holiday together to prove this point.
Upon return from week away there was a parcel waiting for husband in the porch and he almost broke his neck in a race from the car to get to the house first - suspicious, I thought. Then there followed another card - which I opened, expecting it to be be from first mistress 'S'. Imagine my surprise when it was from a second mistress 'J'. That was a turn up for the books! Gift was romantic biscuit message, using a cutesy pet name which was surprisingly similar to the pet name I'd used for him for the past 16 years - creepy. Card spoke longingly of the week in the Scottish highlands they were planning for the following week - romantic!
He was still in the family home at this point, waiting for a nearby rental flat to be available. After discussion about how shit his behaviour was, he went on the trip with 'J' and confessed that he was still married, with a wife who knew nothing about 'J'. She was apparently very upset about being an unknowing mistress - but agreed to continue the relationship on a 'see how it goes basis' due to trust issues - how I laughed when he told me this!
Now, he lives in nearby flat, DC has a bedroom there and stays over now and then and he is in a happy, shiny new relationship with 'J' - he gave 'S' the heave ho and 'J' is unaware of her as far a s I know. So he was cheating on me with 'S', then cheated on both of us with 'J', although I believe he was having an EA with 'J' for a long time - it's all quite Jeremy Kyle!
So he has only admitted the 2 mistresses I have physical evidence of, and he claims he's been cheating for 2 years. However - looking back at things that didn't quite add up and all the travel and the sheer number of opportunities he's had, I believe the truth is a much greater number, but I'll never know the truth. In reality it doesn't matter because once was once too many.
In fairness the marriage wasn't in great shape - he wasn't at all interested in sex, think 3 times in last 12 years (and to be clear, I am fairly hot for a 45 year old woman!) One of the biggest surprises about the whole thing is that he was cheating with women - I'd suspected he might be gay and in denial for a while because of his complete weirdness around anything sexual. It was okay early days as I pursued and made all the effort, but when I grew tired of massaging his ego it died away. He emotionally withdrew years ago so I did the same as a form of self-defence. He has basically treated me as something to be tolerated for years - which has done a major number on my self esteem. I was ignored, sidelined and dismissed for so long it felt normal. So I am not heart broken the marriage is over - I am in fact happier without him. But now my emotions are literally all over the place.
We are trying to be amicable, in the best interests of DC. He is still paying the mortgage and bills on the family home as he's a high earner, and giving me an amount of money each month. So in a way I am in a good position - I have the benefit of his absence and his money (for as long as it lasts).
Sometimes I feel a murderous rage - I've had a rough 3 years, supporting DM through cancer surgery/treatment and fighting to get a diagnosis for DF's mystery illness - which killed him unexpectedly at the start of the year. And all through this the husband was romancing and shagging other random women. I feel like such an idiot for trusting him and putting up with such poor treatment for so long. I feel I've left myself down.
Our marriage wasn't perfect but our family meant the world to me and I was committed to him - and would never have cheated on him. He could have said at any point that he wasn't happy and we could have ended things nicely - but he's such a spineless weasel that he pissed all over me and our marriage. And for that I am fuming.
Looking back he's always been selfish and self-centered. He did what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it and I was like a domestic appliance. But you just don't realise at the time!
I am so lucky to have a fabulous DC and supportive DM, who has been a tower of strength despite still being knee-deep in grief for DF. I just wish DF was here to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. He apparently often commented privately to DM that he couldn't understand how I had ended up with the husband as we clearly weren't right together - turns out he was so right!
Other times I look at the husband and feel pity - he has made a mess of things, isn't aging well and looks more like his unwell elderly father each time I see him. But then he'll speak to me in a tone of contempt again and I just want to hit him in the face with a shovel - really, really hard.
On one hand I know I'm a good, kind person with a worthwhile future and better days to come. On the other hand I feel torn up with anger and resentment and in some ways destroyed - I'll never trust anyone else for the rest of my life. Because although the marriage wasn't great I wholeheartedly believed that the husband was a trustworthy man. The fact that DC's father has turned out to be a duplicitous, scheming coward is a huge embarrassment.
Some days I feel lighter and happier than I have in years. Other days I can't stop crying and feel so awful. I know I need to stop going inside his flat when I collect DC, as seeing him cosy, surrounded by gifts from the mistress - personalised dressing gown with cutesy pet name embroidered on it, sweet! - makes me so upset that it brings me down for days. But I don't want to let him know how upset I am - I want to seem strong and unaffected.
Will I start to feel better at some point? I don't want to carry on like this indefinitely!
Also, I am undecided on the way forward. Deep down I want to divorce him for adultery - I think it will make me feel empowered and be good for my self esteem. I really don't want to be linked to him any longer. But, I am much better off financially if we stay just separated as we are, with him still paying the mortgage which he's promised to do 'forever' (which I know could stop at any point as he's a deceitful, untrustworthy scumbag).
Should I divorce him immediately and get it over and done with. Or should I hang on, save up as much money as I can while he's still covering the bills and divorce him later when he decides he doesn't want to pay any more?
It's all such a mess. On top of this I feel sorry for the mistress he's kept - how can she stick with a man who she knows lies to her as easily as drawing breath? This is all a bit dis-jointed but grateful for any advice!