Say something or leave it in the past.

[Mullingoverthings]

So, been with DH for 30 years. Very up and down relationship. I knew from the start that he saw an ex as "the one" , but being younger than him, in love and stupid I forged on. The ex lived in a different county, so that helped. For the first 6-7 years or so he had mentionitis about her whenever he had been drinking, which he did regularly back then. Ex was ( and is) beautiful. Total opposite of me, long dark hair, yoga body, outgoing, fun, ambitious. In the end I couldn't stand it and we had a massive row & I asked him to leave for a week.
He came back, things improved, the comparisons ended. HE SWORE HE HAD NEVER SEEN HER SINCE WE GOT TOGETHER.
2 years ago I put some pictures of a family event on FB and tagged DH in. Ex commented, much to my surprise as he had never mentioned friending her.
I'm away working this week & in my downtime got a suggested friend notification- the ex. I clicked on her profile, being nosey, and under work she is listed as a medic at our local hospital until 2006. The one 10 mins from our house . The one DH did contract work for. Due to her job, and his contract they had to have come into contact.
Here's the rub, DH now is a different man from DH then. Doesn't drink, treats me really well and we have a very close , loving relationship.
So, do I dredge it all up or just move on ?

Move on. What good will it do to dredge up the fact that he might have worked near her over 14 years ago? You know that not all information on Facebook is accurate don't you?

Because at the time he was still in love with her. I just feel so sad for the young mum of 2 that I was then who was made to feel worthless.

And yes I do know that information on FB isn't always accurate but she has it down as her previous employer with dates.

I don't think i could stop myself mentioning it!

So where is she now?

If far far away, then you needn’t worry yourself too much.

Personally I would raise this with h because to keep it in would eat me up and I’d have to say something

More a case of “look I’m sure this isn’t an issue, but I wanted you to know that I know and I’m a bit irked that I found this out myself. We should have spoken about this at the time.”

I'm away working so I wont see him for another week , my knee jerk reaction was to bring it up ,but part of me doesn't want to know if anything happened.
For context on his birthday, when we had 2 young DC he got pissed and treated me to a monologue lasting hours on how she was his soul mate and how he was living the wrong life.

@MzHz we are not in the UK so she is literally the other side of the world & now married. Still stunning.

I'd definitely be mentioning it, I'd be unable to stop myself.

His reaction would be interesting.

I'd be rather upset due to the constant talking and comparisons in the early years then that on top.

I'd probably mention like 'oh so 'rachael' work at xxxx from 2000-2006 did she?' the follow up with she came up as a friend suggestion how interesting I had no idea all that time it was right next to home.

But I'm a bit crazy haha

@Miffyliffy I probably would have done something similar if I was home with him , but having time to think has screwed my head up.

Leave it in the past. It was years ago.

If things are as good as you say they are, you should be able to talk to him sensibly about it, don't have a row, but tell him exactly how you feel and explain what you're thinking without accusing him of anything. If he reacts harshly or dismisses you then it may be the case that he's not the changed man you believe him to be. He should be able to take it on the chin and hear about how his behaviour affected you.

Can you just keep this inside and live happily ever after never mentioning it? I couldn't....I'd have to say something, ask him, and talk about it....keeping quiet about it would drive me crazy.

So in my mind it's not whether you talk to him about it but rather HOW you talk to him about it.

If you can't let it go, which you clearly can't, you have to bring it up with him or it will just eat away at you and you will treat him differently, it will cause problems going forward.

Speak to him about it. He is supposed to be the one person you can talk to about anything

@Mullingoverthings

I'm away working so I wont see him for another week , my knee jerk reaction was to bring it up ,but part of me doesn't want to know if anything happened. For context on his birthday, when we had 2 young DC he got pissed and treated me to a monologue lasting hours on how she was his soul mate and how he was living the wrong life.

Why on earth would you not have told him to STFU there and then? Told him that if he felt that way not to let the door catch his arse as he left?

I dearly hope you can see yourself as an attractive, lovable person and not ever compare yourself to this ghost of the past.

Think about what you want to say, write it down and rehearse it.

Then if you still feel the same when you’re home, bring it up and out into the open.

You do need to have this talk.

@MzHz I threw him out the next morning as soon as he was sober enough to understand. I had also recorded some of it and played it to him.

I think it will be hard not to mention so i would if me, but not in an accusing way, along lines mentioned above. But remember he is with YOU, not her. So what if she’s stunning- she might be selfish and boring!

[quote Mullingoverthings]@MzHz I threw him out the next morning as soon as he was sober enough to understand. I had also recorded some of it and played it to him.[/quote]
Huge huge hug my love.

Talk to him, everything is alright but you need to talk and be honest about this with him. He IS supposed to be the one you can talk to, and you need to get that back on track.

Have you considered any therapy?

I think that unless it's a dealbreaker (if something happened), then why mention it.

You knew he was still really into her....he didn't hide it and it seems like it was just circumstances that kept them apart. You put up with it for a long time.

I think the fact that he pined for her for so long and he has her as a Facebook friend is disrespectful to you and your marriage.

How do you think he'd feel if you were still in touch with the one that got away and you had made no secret about your Ex being so great for the first 6 years of your relationship?

You say he's a different person....but I don't know if he just keeps his feelings buried and portrays himself as a good guy now. That or he has decided that if he can't be with the one he loves, he'll love the one he's with.

I just don't know if his actions in having her as a FB friend really take your feelings into account and what he put you through.

I've decided to talk to him when I get back. Not in an all guns blazing way, just in a listen, you should have told me way and take it from there.

@Mullingoverthings

I've decided to talk to him when I get back. Not in an all guns blazing way, just in a listen, you should have told me way and take it from there.

That is exactly how I’d do it, i think you’re right.

Good luck
I wont lie id have to say something