Fed up of making all the effort

[BlameNormanPrice]

I'm a single parent (43) with 3 children. I've been with my partner for a year and a half. We live 45 minutes apart, however, he very rarely travels to visit me (he lives alone, we have agreed to be extended household, so within rules.) I travel to see him every second weekend when the kids are with their dad and spend the weekend with him. He says he loves me, is quite thoughtful when I'm there- cooking for me, buying little candles etc, because he knows I like them. He texts and phones daily. He has met my children and all get on well. He is currently furloughed, whilst I am WFH so has more free time than me. I have spoken to him before about how it bothers me we only spend time together when I make the effort to drive through. He says he doesnt like travelling and has a cat he needs to be home for - I'm not expecting him to spend the night as my two youngest (twins) are not great sleepers. I would just like to see him a bit more often, have dinner, watch a film etc. I'm getting really fed up of being the only one who appears to be making an effort. He has said he can "see himself with me", isn't going anywhere and wants a future with me. Am I being unreasonable expecting him to come through once every 2 weeks or so? Also, he is able to miraculously leave the cat for hours at a time to go fishing!

He isn’t that into you
A man who wanted to see you would make more effort, tell him you want to do alternate weekends at his and yours but if he doesn’t start coming over then you know where you stand

Its really easy actually. Just stop going to his and stop making the effort. He will either step up or stop. You then get your answer as to whether this relationship is for the long haul. You probably set the precedent at the beginning by just going to his all the time so he just expects it now and is lazy about coming to yours. So, I would just stop as you already have spoken about it and he has made his excuses. Give it a go and see what he does.

I wonder if you have different ideas of what you want long term. He may prefer the idea of a relationship but where you have mainly separate lives.

Well that cat is definitely an excuse, I would not leave my dog at home alone overnight but the cat really doesn’t mind. To be brutally honest, I am kind of wondering if it is more that he doesn’t really want to spend time with your children and if he comes to you then that is what will happen? He doesn’t sound like a bad one though, so I would have another chat about it.

The cat thing is a bit of a red herring, you can buy automatic feeders. My partner and I live apart, and her cats are fine for two nights, if she times things right with her feeder schedule.

Sounds like he doesn't want to put as much effort into things as you do - best to have a clear conversation sooner rather than later, so you are on the same page or at least not wasting your time.

My partner and I take turns visiting each other, and talk about how to keep things fair and balanced considering the burden of travel, childcare issues, etc. We are both happy with the situation for now, because we communicate clearly our needs/wants/expectations.

Look at his actions not his words.

Maybe be a little less available on your next weekend off. Offer to cook a meal at your house. See how he reacts.

You say he doesn't like travelling. Does this mean he can't drive and takes public transport?
Maybe he is out of practice with the give and take in relationships.

Yip agree with everyone..he's a lazy fucker that's happy to have sex and dinner delivered every fortnight with no effort on his part.. excepting rustling up dinner 🌺

I wouldn't write him off as he sounds like he has good sides - daily communication, thoughtful etc. I wonder if the precedent was set early on that you would visit a lot.

Have you discussed the future in detail? Does he want this situation indefinitely or would he like to live together at some point? I agree with pp, it may be that he doesnt like spending time with kids and may not want to be a 'family'. Every fortnight isn't that frequent to see you though.

Thank you for your responses, it's been really worthwhile to obtain other perspectives. He can drive and has his own car. He hasn't been in a relationship for a number of years (his choice) so is used to putting himself first and doing exactly what he pleases, when he feels like it. You have all made some valid points. I realise I have made it too easy and convenient for him, and have probably set that expectation from the outset. I have also considered if it might be that he doesn't want to spend time with my children since he has none of his own. I am going to call him this evening and have a chat about these issues. I think a big part of me has been avoiding that because of my feelings for him and the likelihood this could be the end of the relationship (he is the first man I have had a relationship with since splitting with my children's dad.) However, looking back, I was able to pick myself up after that, so no reason I can't do it again. Better that than feeling pissed off and uncertain about things.

@BlameNormanPrice how did your chat with him go? Are things better now?

45 mins isn't even far. He could easily travel to you for the day, no impact at all on the cat. That's basically what I do for work every day and I have 2 cats

I have a cat and I worship the ground he walks on! I still leave him on the odd weekend with a massive bowl of food and a visit from my sister!! Think you need a frank discussion with this uncompromising man who is taking a serious lend! X

Same situation an hour commute..talked of a future.. Failed. Promises.. But I gave in and on its gone.. . Like other posters have said stop doing all the work and see if he steps up