Feeling so depressed because of my ex partner

[DianeC2020]

Hi everyone.

I am feeling really, really low, so please be kind.

I split from my partner of 15 years about 2 years ago. We have two young kids together. The reason we split was because for the last few years of our relationship, we struggled with having kids and no time for each other. He also hit (I think) a mid life crisis, spending money on an expensive car and his character completely changing. I have to acknowledge that I may also have changed. He cut out his friends and most of his family and was just angry all the time.

Anyway, fast forward 2 year and he's always complaining. He has the children every other weekend and a few evenings during the week. However, over lockdown he wanted to spend much more time with the kids.

The other problem is that the kids really don't like being with him. Even now they cry whenever they have to spend a weekend with him and are always telling me they don't want to do. Because I want the kids to see their dad as much as possible, I give in to him, but the kids struggle and are now asking me why I 'force them to go'. I have just messaged him to say the kids don't want to spend as much time with him as he would like and he's hit the roof. He's quite controlling and everything he does with the kids is strict and to specific times (they are refused food in between lunches and dinners etc even when they tell him they're really hungry).

I want to stand up to him, but I get the impression he will go to take the legal route and demand much more time with them. If that happens, the kids will have no choice but to go.

I want to do what's best for everyone, but I am sick of his constant complaints and messages about what he doesn't like etc. From the beginning, he has HATED giving child maintenance and is now asking for receipts of what I buy as he thinks he shouldn't have to pay as much as he does.

Please, do you have any advice. My family are telling me to stand up to him more, but if I'm totally honest, I'm scared he will end up finding a way to take my kids from me.

Help. :(

How old are your kids? The reason I ask is that courts will take their feelings into account if they're old enough. Over 11 and their feelings carry a bit more weight.

I'd go to court in your shoes. Have things agreed.

For now, tell him "Contact will be every other weekend as it used to be." and don't be drawn.

If he kicks off, or acts in a scary manner...including swearing or threatening...show the police.

He won't take the kids. He would have tried already if he wanted to be a full time parent.

@FortunesFave the kids are 7 and 8.

Is there a simpler way, like mediation or something similar? I feel going to court would be costly and I've already lost most of my earnings due to Covid.

He has no right to demand receipts from you. It must be awful coparenting with him.

Could you possibly pack some healthy snacks/fruit for your DC when they go over. I know it's not a long-term solution, but if he carries in like this, he won't have any kind of relationship and they'll hate him in the end.

I feel for you.

@SandyY2K, I tried that, but he told me sternly that when they are with him, I must not interfere. They are not allowed to contact me when they are with him. They used to stay overnight, but he wouldn't allow them to say goodnight to me, so they would cry. It got so bad, they had to stop sleeping at his.

Speak to a solicitor that deals in this area.

Tbh I'd be tempted to just up and move asap, far away, so that distance wise he can't see them often. Might 'forget' to tell him where I'd moved to too for a while.

Check what legal implications that might have with your solicitor first though just incase.

But the fuck would I be letting my children hang with an abusive controlling piece of shit for a minute, let alone a weekend.

@Wanderlusto - the problem I have is that if we go to down the legal route, the kids are likely to be scared to tell him (or anyone else) they don't want to be around him. They usually get very tearful when they return home, but then tell me they feel sorry for him etc.

So if they are asked by 'officials,' they may be scared to say how they feel. The kids have voiced their upset about him to my family, but it's difficult to prove this in a court.

I think it might be worthwhile having a talk with the kids about right and wrong behaviour. Not saying to tell them their dad is manipulating them but more, to give them the skills to work out when things like that are happening, for themselves.

They are a bit young yet but you can but try.
If they were to realise that daddy is just being mean (and not some pitiable creature) and that people dont get to treat us that way and that we need to protect ourselves when they do (not change ourselves in order to placate them) even if it means they get in trouble. Then maybe they would find it easier to speak with someone about his bad behaviour.

A hard lesson for young ones to learn of course. Hard enough for us adults.

Thanks Wanderlusto.

I am finding this all so depressing. It's not like I can even go and meet up with friends and chat about it. I have bubbled with my mum, but she doesn't need to hear all of this from me.

Feels so lonely.

Well I suppose that's what mumsnet is for.

I guess on the bright side, at least you don't live with the bastard anymore. And in a few years your kids will see him fir exactly who he is either way, so it's just a waiting game really.

In the mean time, block him on everything bar one method of contact and dobt respond to anything that is not kid related. Even then, only if it is something fair he is saying.

Be kind to yourself! He really shouldn't get to continue to poison your time like this.

I think if your children dont have a decent concrete reason to not go, then they still should go. Tell them that its not that youre forcing them, but that hes their father and legally he has the right to see them, and you are obliged by law to facilitate that, so for now, they have to go every other weekend. Its not that much.

Also tell your ex, that youre not interested in arguing with him or making this a fight, but that he needs to do more with them and stop being so negative, because at this rate, as soon as theyre allowed to not see him anymore, you suspect they will, and its him and his relationship with them that will suffer and not yours.

If he shouts at you, put the phone down

It's very very good that they no longer sleep at his - he sounds completely controlling and unpleasant BUT there must be some level at which he recognises that past a certain point he cannot force them to play ball?

So is that current - you say they see him at weekends, but they don't stay over?

Honestly, right now, until they are old enough to vote with their feet there is not much more you can do. If it ended up in court, it would be normal for them to stay over.

The chink of light that they no longer stay might mean it's worth sending a final email which says, look, right now they have to see you. They hate it, because you exert every control you have, especially things like not allowing them to contact me. You see that kind of thing as you winning, or fighting - they simply see it as you being a nasty bully. I would like them to have a good relationship with you for their sakes, but if you continue the way you are, the second they get old enough to not be forced to see I fear that they will never want to see you again. And if you are still like this, I will support them in that, because right now you're the kind of father no child needs. Change, now, before it's too late.'

He won't listen I suspect, but at least you've tried.

On the maintenance - broken record technique. 'Maintenance does not work like that. You have no right whatsoever for information on my private finances. If you disagree, please feel free to consult a solicitor.'

They will tell him he's being a total dick and that will be that.

Do not ever ever ever provide receipts to this man for 'maintenance' 😱 what a controlling prick... do not even discuss what you buy with the money you receive. Keep contact with him to a mimimum..

Your kids are still young but old enough to express themselves.. if they are distressed about seeing him you need to tell him he is scaring them and making them unhappy. I wouldn't be sending my children to a father that reduced them to tearful wrecks.

If he chooses Court... then Courts would initiate Social Work reports... there are plenty Social Workers on here who will advise you of and processes but they do not speak to children and families like 'officials'.. these are qualified people who will spend time with your kids and talk about their 'bags of worries' or other methods of reaching your kids thoughts and fears etc... ultimately helping all of you reach a balance...

Do not be bullied or manipulated by this man because you fear the Family court system OP..

You're doing great given these difficult times OP... stay strong and draw boundaries.. if the kids don't want to go.. then they don't go 🌺

Thank you all.

@YoniAndGuy - yes that's right, they currently don't stay over. They tried it for about 6 months and their mental health appeared to be affected, so we stopped. My partner then demanded we start it again, but the same thing happened. He's pushing again for it, but the kids are just very unsettled by it.

I've already explained to him the damage he is doing, but he doesn't blame himself. He blames me and the kids.

@BlueThistles - yes I need to be more firm with the maintenance. I'd love to know if there are any Social Workers here who could let me know what I can do that's best of my kids. They are so upset about going to his place and I'm worrying what it will do to their mental health as my eldest has broken down several times over it. I'd love to be able to get their input. I'd even pay privately if I had to.

It sounds so tough for you and your kids. Can I ask what you mean by your partner demanded we start again? Is your partner pushing for your kids to stay at their dads even though he is a controlling wanker? If so, you need to tell your partner to fuck off, it is not in the interest of your kids. How does your partner normally behave? Do they demand things a lot. Sorry for asking it’s just that sentence jumped out.

@Blanca87 - he wants them to start staying overnight again. However, they don't want to. He says we shouldn't be pandering to their needs and that we should be 'telling' them what the arrangements are. I'm not giving in to this, but I suspect he may want to go to court so that the kids are made to stay over.

Op, Is it your ex or your current partner that is demanding this? or is it both of them? The reason I ask is I’m wondering if you are running rings round yourself to keep the ex and your current partner happy. But I’m not sure if I’m reading the post right!! I have dyslexia so can misunderstand written meaning!
Anyway, your ex sounds like an arse and I get your anxiety sending them to their dads over night. They certainty seem distressed coming back from his. Poor things.

Well the first thing to do is delay delay. The older they get the easier it will be - though they are sadly a few years off from being allowed to refuse to go.

Court might not be a bad thing though. I would speak to a solicitor. You could - request mediation and a cafcass assessment for the children, and stress that you WANT there to be contact and he needs to understand that it's his bullying that's making it not work. Use the words bullying, controlling - the example of him demanding to know how maintenance is spent will be very useful. Make it clear that as he can't put their needs first, you would like a court order to lay out the boundaries which will prevent him bullying them during contact. He is to allow healthy snacks and access to water. He is not to prevent them from contacting you before bedtime to say goodnight. Etc. I suspect you would only have to demonstrate that all you are actually asking is that he is not actively unpleasant and cruel to them to end up getting a good result.

And remember - all the while it's going through court, they don't sleep over. With luck they might be 8 and 9 by the time they do. Then armed with a court order, hopefully staying over might end up being bearable for an 8 year old who's allowed to contact mummy rather than a 7 year old who isn't.

If he breaks the order, you stop contact immediately. Etc.

I was assuming op meant her expand just called him partner out if habbit.

But op if you're dealing with a current partner that wants your kids to stay with your ex even though it clearly traumatiaes them,then he is bad news and cut from the same cloth as your ex and needs ditching pronto.

*ex and

Sorry guys, no it's my ex partner only. I don't have a current partner.

I've never heard of a cafcass assessment. I've just had a look at their website and it looks like they are involved in serious circumstances. I could be wrong - I will look into this more. Thanks again.

Well if you're kids are coming home crying after seeing him then surely that's a serious circumstance. Goodness knows what he is doing to them.

OP remember this...

Contact is the right of the child, not of the parent or any other person. ... Usually, parents are able to agree on contact arrangements. If this is not possible, they may seek help from family mediation or, as a last resort, seek a court order.

Please remember this when he is spouting about his rights... 🌺

It's more if there needs to be a third party professional involved to try and find out what the children really want and what they would benefit from, if the parents can't agree.

Basically, you are refusing overnights because he's emotionally abusive, and you're right to do so.

He does sound awful. Its so difficult dealing with someone like him...he sounds like an army major with no flexibility.

Your poor children having to deal with this. What kind of parents did your ex have.

Very tough one
I’d avoid anything legal and expensive
I’d suggest mediation with undeniable proof of the kids
Mh , and suggest he tries to get helps
Parenting course
Therapy
And if he doesn’t step up , we’ll Im a few years the kids can
Make up their own mind
I think going legal is a
Massive risk , expensive , stressful and not a guaranteed outcome
Also keep
Talking with kids
Don’t ask leading questions but start writing down everything they say