Ducks in a row?

[ducksquestion]

Can anyone suggest some help getting my ducks in a row?

How do you hide your get away money? I have a little I invested secretly in Bitcoin, it's grown and I'd like to cash in at some point. If I put it in the bank then I'd need to declare it surely? Do people hide cash? Can I open a bank account in one of my children's names? I'm not leaving for 1-2 years, the situation is safe (no violence) and tolerable for now. If I left now he will financially ruin me, in the next year or so our financial position will most likely be enormously different and I'll be financially safe.

I suppose the key thing is making sure that you have the advantage....
that means making sure he has no clue whatsoever that you intend to end the relationship, so you can get everything sewn up and arranged in your favour before he has chance to do anything to counter you.
One could argue that because you know he won't treat you fairly it doesn't make sense to play fair with him?

@Yohoheaveho

I suppose the key thing is making sure that you have the advantage.... that means making sure he has no clue whatsoever that you intend to end the relationship, so you can get everything sewn up and arranged in your favour before he has chance to do anything to counter you. One could argue that because you know he won't treat you fairly it doesn't make sense to play fair with him?

I think he knows which is why he's taken control of all the money. He has all the power. He knows it.

@Yohoheaveho

'Ducks in a row' is about making sure the other person can't screw you over /stitch you up isn't it 🤔 At what point does that morph into screwing them over 😶

It's not possible to screw him over. I'm screwed either way, I'm trying to make us less screwed for the children. The amounts I'm talking about saving over a year he can earn in two hours.

Then you need to workout the ways in which you can get an advantage over him, probably he will underestimate you and think you are not capable of being strategic and outwitting him
You should exploit this as much as you can

Can you insist on expensive personal items being bought that you can sell later? Shoes? Watch? Tech?

@YogaMommyyyyy thank you, I think this is good advice.

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Can you insist on expensive personal items being bought that you can sell later? Shoes? Watch? Tech?

Yes, good idea. I have started selling old kids clothes etc. He thinks that's a waste of time so expects them to be binned and doesn't miss them.

This thread is a textbook example of why skimming is the way to do things. It's not 'screwing the other person over', it's one person preparing for the potential worst by being prudent.

Two people are married. Both have a set amount of 'personal' money that is agreed on, let's say 400 a month. One uses their full 400 on coffees, treats and things they want. The other uses 250 for that and saves the other 150. After ten years the marriage breaks. One person has accrued 18,000 in savings from money that was specifically agreed and known about as personal spends. Why should they then hand over half?

The waters muddy when people lose that equality. I earn around 10k more than my wife, so that 10k goes into the joint account. Equality is key. I made sure my wife's career didn't suffer through childbirth by making sure I took a more flexible role (less money) so she could go part time and we were both part timeish until last DC was 5. Then we went full time and used childcare where needed. We both have the same personal money each month.

OP, I feel for you. Your husband obviously has no interest in enabling you in any way. It sounds too late to start skimming unless you can hang on a couple of years. In your shoes, I would go down the line of forcing big purchases. If your husband is always working, maybe engineer a boiler breakdown that would need paying for, most tradesmen take cash by preference. New car tyres, anything like that. It's playing very dirty but the difference here is your husband is obviously out to stitch you up.

Presumably if earns masses there are assets such as the house?

Overseas payments etc are traceable and if its tax avoidance hmrc would be very interested and have the powers to find the accounts.

Does he check your bank account and emails?

I think its unlikely a court will trawl through 2 years of statements asking where £30 a week in cash withdrawals went.

You can save some cash and use it to buy travellers cheques which in large denominations are easier to hide.

Pay for a really good divorce lawyer on the credit card?

I also find something a bit odd about this thread. OP, you need to speak to a shit hot lawyer about your fears that he will hide money. Re ducks - then the best thing you can do is find any financial paperwork and photograph it.

Unfortunately the assets are all mine from a lifetime of saving, investment and hard work. His vast salary he spends the second it comes in as if he is an oligarch. He is not but he is an extremely high earner who is waiting for his big and realistic pay out. Once my assets are split between us (the lawyer I saw confirmed this despite me earning them before our marriage) and the legal fees taken out (he's not going to use the village lawyer and the 'credit card bill for the shit hot lawyer' will need to be paid) there is not enough for a home etc. He has told me he will make sure the legal fees run into hundreds of thousands and destroy my life savings. This is very realistic I have seen it happen. I would like to build a nest egg in the event that the company folds (small but real concern) and if not so I have my starter fund to provide for me and the children while the lawyers fight it all out, again they have no rush because they get paid for the years of fighting when someone does not want a resolution. The benefit for him for me to stay now is control and a continued home life while he's working to exit with his pay out.

I’m confused. Basically sounds like you own all the assets and he spends his salary on himself. post in the legal section because as the people there will be of far more help and find a better lawyer - i doubt he is spending it, more like hiding it.

If he is playing dirty all bets are off.

In your situation I'd be going for a combination of:
-cashback and cash withdrawals in a safety deposit box
-children accounts or money with trusted relatives.
-purchasing easily saleable assets. (I am talking gold)

It sounds like he's got you over a barrel OP☹️

He has told me he will make sure the legal fees....
Then again the fact that he's giving you info on his strategy suggests overconfidence, is there any mileage in misinforming him as to your likely strategy 🤔

When you do divorce him. Make sure he pays maintenance

He might not have other assets but what about pension/superannuation? If he's a high earner this could be a large amount and offset some of the house equity.

all of my sympathies.

I was in the same boat. I had a hundreth of what he had but all of my money had to instantly used.
I left him with a debt. he has just sold a house worth nearly a million and the mortgage on it was 240k twenty years ago! He had shares and stocks and yet he plundered me like a resource. And still feels hard done by!

Can you get tesco cards? I didn't do this because my x would have noticed but if you put fifty pounds on a tesco card every now and then, he may not notice. it's small fry but it would help you out when you leav.

From what I can see you want to protect your assets and he is protecting his income. You both seem unreasonable. A child should not be raised in this situation. The marriage is over and you should split rather than play games over money.

But yes both of you can spend years screwing each other over, being suspicious and sneaking around. I doubt there will be any advantage except for the lawyers.

and the 'credit card bill for the shit hot lawyer' will need to be paid

I suggested this because you quite specifically said that he pays the credit card off each month.

Without intending to de-rail the thread, which seems full of practical and helpful advice, perhaps it might be worth changing your frame of mind?
At the end of the day, it is only money. You can't take it with you (either in death, or, it seems, divorce.)
So you will end up poor (there are worse things in life), he will get away with his millions, and most of your hard-earned assets, but you will be FREE of him. That is the real prize to focus on.
I wish you every type of good luck.

I did this op.

I opened an account with another bank (making sure it was paperless) and then put in small amounts of money every month that wouldn't be missed. I also sold clothes on Ebay and transferred money online from my PayPal account to the new bank account. I did this for about 2 years before we actually split, and it meant that I had a bit of money (not much!) to tide me over the first few months. (When we actually started divorce proceedings I transferred it to my mother's account and she looked after it for me until I needed it).

I talked about it on here at the time and some people felt that I was being very dishonest skimming money off like that; I understand that point of view but I honestly needed that little bit of back up money to give me the courage to leave.

Hope all goes well for you op.

Arrivederla how would you have felt if he had done the same though? And yes it is dishonest.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I did have as good a conversation as possible with him today. I basically asked how could he do this to me, how is it fair and today he seemed to be more amicable. We have agreed to save and invest some money each month and from a large bonus that is coming (think half a house - normally this would go straight to spend and on nothing sellable). I hope this happens. We will try to get along fairly which means he takes my thoughts and opinions (like saving and building assets) in to consideration as well as other issues. These assets will then be used to help house both of us fairly in the event of divorce rather than screwing me over (because I do not deserve it - today he agreed this). I will continue to support him while he finishes his deal. I will try to keep the assets in things that are in joint names and not easily disposable because he will change his mind. He would like to make the relationship work - I can't possibly see how but I didn't say that. It's all such a shame, I loved him so much. I did not see his awful behaviour coming. He also stated that he doesn't believe couples need to know everything about each other (in reply to my pleas for honesty and openness) so that works both ways, I'm keeping my Bitcoin and will build my little pot where I can. Thank you for the suggestions - I'm going to try my best to manage him and a fair situation. My next marriage will be to my next business which I will start dreaming up now.