Hello MNetters
Ive been lurking a longtime now throughout my relationship of 5 years, a relationship which I ended a couple months ago.
I ended it because it got to a point where I was interrogating everything my partner did, even he said he was sick of me giving him the ‘Spanish inquisition’
This may be quite long and im sorry, however I need to know if I was actually showing narcisstic traits or he was, or both!
So we met online. He lived and worked 3 hours away. Messaged quite alot for a couple of weeks and then met up. I got to the place first then He showed up and was already drunk when he arrived. He had already made a list of all the things he thought we could do for our next date, from ice skating, going to the cinema to having a meal...
Anyway we did go on a couple dates and each time he would be drunk when he arrived ( i didnt know this at the time, it was only once I got to know him well I knew what ‘his drunk self’ was like)
One time we went back to his flat and had a drink there, I took some photos of him as I hadent got any of him. Couple weeks later I went onto the dating website we met on to delete my profile and noticed he was still on, and he was using the picture I took of him as his profile...I asked him about it and he said his email was hacked...I didnt really believe him but carried on regardless 🙄
During the first year of our relationship the following happened, id found out he was still seeing someone he had been with for 3 years prior the first couple months of our relationship, that he may or may not have a daughter from another relationship, he refuses to pay for a dna and doesnt have contact or pay maintenance.
He downloaded the tinder app, then when I pulled him up on it he said he was curious what it was and didnt realise what it was, he thought it was to just meet ‘friends’
Once he started to stay at a weekend he would always arrive drunk. Not bladdered but tipsy.
He told me he loved me 3 months in.
I had his phone at one point as he asked me to google something, I pressed the back button and sex websites came up on his search history...I questioned him and he said he never searched for it and he didnt know how it got there.
So after that first year of all that happening I was suspicious. In hindsight ues I should have ran for the hills but I thought nah hes young (24) he will be growing out all of that now. So I stayed.
He became secretive with his phone, put a lock on it, putnit on silent, bought a case for it and always had it by his side and took it to the bathroom.
He would go on whatsapp everytime I left the room ( yes, I went on to my whatsapp to check. I would leave the room just to see of he would show up online and everytime he would then as soon as I walked back in the room he would either swipe the screen away or put his phone down. This he did the whole time I was with him. I became obsessed with checking his online status and there was a definite pattern.
I accused him a few times of chatting to other women and he would call me crazy and paranoid.
There had been times I noticed a message pop up on his screen and it was a girl and he would talk his way out of it and I would stupidly carry on with my head in the sand.
This last year was the worst. I messaged him one morning and he was online, ignored my message for about half hour then sent me a message with 3 kisses on it which he quickly deleted. I asked and he said it was to his ‘best friend’ at work ( a girl, just started at his work 6 months before)
I became more paranoid and everytime he said he couldnt come home because of work I questioned him. He had to ‘self isolate’ at one point this happened to be when it was his ‘best friends’ birthday.
But, yeah It came to a point this year where I was questioning everything he did, why are you cleaning the car out before I use it, why are there dog hairs in your car (his best friend has a retriever and they were Labrador retriever hairs)
Receipts for flowers he had bought (I never got flowers) receipts for £90 worth of alcohol purchased during at time he said he was working away.
He accused me of chatting to men (I wasnt) and O would quite happily give him my phone or leave it hanging around with no lock or case) he hated that I could drink with my friend and get drunk but when I was with him I didnt drink.
He walked out once because during a night out with my friend id posted on fb that being in a pub I went in as a late teen felt like home.
He thought that I made up being on my period just so I didnt have to have sex with him. He whinged that I never showed him affection ( he never showed any to me unless he wanted sex) we wouldnt have conversations, unless he was drunk and it was about his hobby or work or his ‘new business venture’
He would ignore my messages at work yet if I went an hour without sending a reply I was ‘seeing someone else’
So a couple months ago I ended it. It was on a weekend he was ‘working away’ said he couldnt message me as he was going to be busy. He was online all day, so i texted him saying im done (abit more to the text but that was the jist)...Bad I know but he was completely ignoring me and I couldnt wait any longer, if I did I probably would still me with him.
He ghosted me for days until he asked to have our daughter ( yea I had a child with him too) he would only contact me about our daughter ( we had separated previously and he would talk his way into me getting back with him but this time nothing)
And this is what is bothering me! I know it sounds stupid but the fact he is silent. I am too. I dont contact him at all unless he asks about dd but it can go days.
I am STILL checking his status and hes on it rarely now. 
On Christmas night we had been messaging as he had dd and I ft her at bedtime and ex moticed I was down. He asked to ft me which he did and he was drunk. We just chatted normally for half hour like friends. He sent me a message afterward saying he still loved me and he misses me. I said I do too but we were both miserable and we needed to sort that out. I went sleep and he was online all night ( woke up and checked he was still on)
When he dropped dd off the next day he seemed normal, no talk about what he said. He just dropped off and left.
I know hes been seeing a girl he met, said theres nothing going on but I think there is. I dont have feelings for him at all but Im just confused about everything thats happened. Did he push me to leave because I was questioning him? Was I in the wrong for my constant accusations?? Was he being unfaithful or was i just paranoid like he said and just didnt give him breathing space. Did I overthink everything and is that what ultimately ruined us?? I dont know. I know I need to talk to someone about my issues but I dont know if my issues where becasue of everything that happened at the beggining of the relationship or becasue I became so paranoid this last year that I pushed him away and he just never had the balls to end it.
Im so sorry this is long. I just wanted to write it down and have an insight into what an outsider might think