Starting to think he really was the one - does this ever work?

[lilypad07]

I ended a 4.5 year relationship in the summer. It was a very loving relationship and we really cared about each other, but ultimately I didn’t feel excited enough and found myself wondering if the grass was greener. I didn’t want to settle as I am only 24 and so I ended it. We had a flat together and I was content but just couldn’t help but wonder if there was more out there. Both our mental health suffered during lockdown and I think we both lost a bit of ourselves and got ourselves into a bit of a depressive slump. We were no longer having sex and things just weren’t exciting anymore. I ended it and he agreed it was the right thing to do.

Since then, I’ve moved back home and took time to work on myself. I’ve had therapy for my anxiety, taken up new hobbies, spent more time with friends and even tried online dating. I’m in a much better place than I was and feel a lot happier in myself. However, I have had this niggling feeling that i may have made the wrong decision and I can’t shake it off. This really hit home yesterday when I was on a Zoom call with some close friends and some of the girls were discussing their newly ex boyfriends. They were discussing all the red flags they missed out on and how hindsight was a great thing because their relationships were toxic. And genuinely I couldn’t relate to a single thing they said, I only had nice things to say about my ex.

And I can’t help but realise that the grass really wasn’t greener. Online dating has made me realise how horrible men can be too! But he really really cared about me, he looked after me, he really was my best friend. Things actually were much better than I thought at the time, and hindsight has made me realise what a star he actually was. I’m starting to really miss him.

I don’t feel lonely, I don’t feel like I need a man, I’m able to be happy on my own, but I feel like I want him in my life again. And I feel like I have made a big mistake!

Some mutual friends have told me that he was still struggling with the break up a month or so ago. We have been in minimal contact (i said happy birthday, we said merry Christmas/happy new year and there’s been the odd brief “how are you” convo). I just really feel like I’m in a much better place now and really really think I may have made a mistake.

I don’t know if I believe in the whole trying again with an ex thing, where would I even start? Plus I’m terrified of rejection as I think that’d break me, but my head feels so much clearer now..

@lilypad07

Thank you everyone, that’s all really really helpful 💛 Thinking about it, the thought of being with him makes me feel really safe and at home and where I should be, he really did feel like home, it’s hard to explain

The thread is quite heavily biased towards you not getting back together with him, though. You got bored with him, weren't having sex with him for up to a year, and are going back to him because he 'felt like home'? Do you want a relationship that is staying at home, bored, without sex?

It sounds to me like you're romanticising the relationship and cherry picking any good bits you can find, to justify going back to him because you miss being in a relationship.

Would you be saying the same thing if some good looking bloke suddenly started saying all the right things on an online dating site? I suspect you'd love getting pulled into the excitement and your poor old ex would be forgotten. 'Feeling like home' isn't a good reason to have a relationship, when other essentials are not there. My closest friends feel like home to me. If they didn't, they wouldn't be my closest friends. But it's not romantic or sexual.

So you lived with him and now you live at home.

Try living alone and experiencing life as an independent solo adult before making any other decisions is my advice

Tricky one OP!

My husband and I have had a great time on lockdown, hanging out just the two of us has caused no issues and we’ve really enjoyed it. So the fact that you and your OH struggled may be a red flag.

On the other hand, I’ve never missed anyone I broke up with, let alone getting butterflies from seeing their name. There’s clearly residual feelings there.

As PP say, you need to be sure before you open that can of worms. Not sure what to suggest as he’s now so far away, but could you FaceTime maybe? I would say you need to see/speak to him to figure out your feelings, but that’s tricky if you’re also trying to respect his.

Hey everyone!
I got in a massive tizz yesterday clearing out my room, I found some lovely old notes of encouragement that my ex had once written me and hidden around my room when I was really struggling at uni. I ended up really, really crying and it made me think about a lot.

I struggled with anxiety and low self esteem at uni and I think maybe I was always looking for reassurance and always looking for more. I think I magnified the issues of him being “not very exciting” or “not very romantic” when actually he really really was, or at least tried his best! Perhaps this dwindled in the last year or so of my relationship, maybe because I expected too much and also because both of our mental health really suffered and we lost ourselves along the way. Because thinking about it, our first 4 years were incredible. I think I realised yesterday that I really took him for granted.

I know through mutual friends that he’s still struggling and healing, and I don’t think me making a bit effort to get in touch again would be very welcomed. We have never been on bad terms and we are still friends/follow each other on social media but we doesn’t like each other’s posts or anything. I also know although he’s struggling he’s sure it was the right thing in the long run. So now I’m stuck - what on earth do I do here? I still really love him and think I handled everything all wrong :(

Contact him. Say how you feel and then see what happens. He might not be interested, or maybe he is.

I know of two people who got back with an ex and in both cases they are now married.
Getting back with an ex 90%+of the time is a bad idea , but it isn’t always and maybe this is an exception. Just go for it, you’ve got nothing to lose.

Just message him. Worst case scenario, nothing will change as things will carry on as they are now.

@Vitaminsss

Just message him. Worst case scenario, nothing will change as things will carry on as they are now.

Well, worse case scenario is a big traumatic rejection, or a big waste of time involving an exact repeat of what happened before.

OP you are currently relying on the idea of 'the one' and are panicking that you've missed out. There will be others.

stop keeping him on the backburner as your lifeboat

You've got nothing to lose by telling him op. You've clearly grown up and grown as a person, that's very healthy. If you leave it you'll always be wondering - what if?

Maybe write him a letter or email so you can put across how you feel & how you've changed. If he isn't interested you have your answer but at least that way he'll have time to real & reflect before responding. He's far enough away to avoid if it doesn't work out but it sounds like you were a happy couple once and could be again. Good luck!

I also know although he’s struggling he’s sure it was the right thing in the long run
Good, you are started to pull yourself out of your own arse. Your posts have been me, me, me, I want, I need, I miss. Now you are starting to consider him as a human being who has wants and needs beyond being your support puppy.

Think about what he needs, what he wants for a while. You and he had a bad year, when the pandemic stress hit it worsened not strengthened your relationship, the sex got worse then you decided he wasn't enough for you. He will have done his own evaluation of what the future should hold.

“Try living alone and experiencing life as an independent solo adult before making any other decisions is my advice”

This. You’re 24. You could easily live for another 6 or 7 decades. But you want to settle now for what feels comfortable and safe. If you’re only 24 now, then you got together with him in your late teens. Some such relationships can last a lifetime but most don’t and with good reason. And there are good reasons why you felt the relationship needed to come to an end. And I have noticed that a lot of the women who post here for advice are women who settled down very young and have never really lived alone as adults. They are scared to go it alone because they’ve had no experience of doing so.

Also, your comment about him saying it was the right thing is ringing some bells. Did you post about this before and we all encouraged you to end it based on what you were saying at the time?

I think the fact that he thinks it was the right thing is significant. If you are the previous poster, I suspect his conclusion is based on a realisation that he can’t give you what you wanted. Perhaps he also wants to be free to experience a relationship with someone else.

I’ve been with my DH for 20+ years. We’ve had our ups and downs but I have never wanted to date someone else or thought the grass might be greener. But I was 29 when we got together and had a reasonable amount of life experience under my belt.

These are very strange times. It’s hard to meet anyone new. And I can understand the desire to return to what feels safe and familiar, if you can. And that is a valid step to take. But I have a strong feeling that if you got back together now, you will find yourself a year or two from now itching to move on again. The problems which caused you to split haven’t gone away. Cast your mind forward and imagine yourself 10 and 20 years from now with him in the picture. How does that make you feel? Are you excited at the prospect of being with him?

6-12 months of not great sex, or no sex at all out of a 2 year relationship, I'd say is very telling, especially as you are so young, very little should stop you. Have you considered that maybe you are just not a good fit together? Sounds like you brought each other down rather than supporting each other. Now you feel better, but he may just bring you down again. Do you want a relationship where whenever life gets tough you both crawl into your shell rather than bolstering each other up as should happen in a supportive union? Take more time to consider this, especially being a long distance thing, maybe was just the thrill of meeting at the beginning, but once living together, could be as dull as ever.

Hi everyone,

After a few weeks or sorting myself out and a lot of chat with my therapist and my mum haha, I’ve realised a lot of things! I’ve realised that the majority of our relationship was me going through hard times and him being my support system. The whole relationship sort of revolves around this and, as grateful as I am and as hard as he tried, it eventually pushed him away. I’ve come to realise that and regret it in a way, and I’d never want that same relationship again. But I can’t help but feel like once I feel myself again, I’ve had a fresh start etc that he is definitely a man I can see myself growing old with, having children with, having a good time and a laugh and being so good together. Doing the relationship completely differently. So what now?

Never mind what anyone on here says mate... CONTACT HIM!! If you don't the only person who will have to live with the regret is you, not us. Do it. Atta girl x

The only thing I’m worried about is, we ended things on really good terms and I’d hate now for him to end up resenting me, or coming across as desperate when so far I’ve handled it with dignity.. would it be best to give it more time?

You broke up in the summer if you give it much more time it might be too late. Just send him a no pressure message saying something like "hi I know we split up a while ago now but I've been thinking things through a lot lately and I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk and talk, there are things I would like to say, but if you'd rather not then I totally respect that". See what he says... he might be absolutely over the moon, he might really want to get back together having done some reflecting himself, or he might say no and want to move on with his life. The only person who can tell you that is him and as you're still civil and not enemies there's no reason to be afraid to contact him - but if you don't try you will never know. Sometimes people split, grow and reunite (even William and Kate!) and sometimes it's best to leave it all in the past... find out which one this is for you x

Very hard OP. I’m in a similar situation. My relationship was like a rollercoaster though, very unstable for large parts of the relationship. We have a child together and he is saying all the right things but it’s a massive decision for me.

I adore him but who knows if it would work again. That feeling of safety is amazing op and having that trust is something that you don’t always have in every relationship.

Hope you guys work it out.

My story quickly..partner of 4yrs, absolutely amazing guy.. Wanted us to progress after a year or so.. I couldn't have been happier.. Then changed his mind.. Strung it out, I've clung on hoping things will change.. They won't. I've asked for space a few times, always gone back like you say because he's lovely etc.. Which I would still say he is.. But he can't give me what I want.. If things went back to being together again how would it be different this time.. Sex better? Progression in whatever you both want? Its hard I know

Thanks everyone 💛 I’d want to focus on our relationship more and doing things for him and for us, and just having fun, rather than relying on him to be my support system, which I defo did (I really struggled at uni and he helped me through an awful lot)

I’ve realised that the majority of our relationship was me going through hard times and him being my support system. The whole relationship sort of revolves around this and, as grateful as I am and as hard as he tried, it eventually pushed him away.

OP if he's also realised the same thing he'll have realised it may be best for him to move on!

Honestly there's no harm in shooting your shot - but you're so young. This entire situation sounds like a fairly typical starter relationship. It was essentially good and you both ended it with fondness and respect for the other but ultimately its purpose was to teach you both a bit more about yourselves and about relationships that you can take into your next one.

I agree with the PPs who suggested being single for a while, if he doesn't want to get back together.

@WhateverTheySay’s suggested message sounds very good.

I also agree with what @gannett says - that you should reach out if you want but it does sound like a typical well-functioning starter relationship.

Also - it sounds like some of your feelings of being so lost now are to do with losing the support that he provided rather than actually losing him. This may be why you and he lost interest in each other sexually. A good partner should have your back but not to the exclusion of all other features of the relationship. Your 20s are a really important decade for learning to stand on your own two feet and it’s not entirely clear that you’ve done that or are looking to do it. That makes it doubly important that you approach this relationship differently if you do return to it.

And for the same reason definitely spend some time single if he doesn’t want to get back together.

I could have written your post 8 years ago. I felt I had made a mistake for a long long time. I still feel it a bit now.

My advice, if you really miss him and it's not just the fact that online dating is so crappy, you should make contact, don't be me!

@fattypuss I did this as felt I would always regret it. Unfortunately things still can't be different but I feel I put my all into it.. Very sad.
Op what have you got to lose other than a rejection which isn't great but least you'll be thinking clearer