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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex partner interrogates our son about my new relationship - making us all miserable

29 replies

Tweetabix · 01/01/2021 23:26

We separated 5 years ago, but my ex has never accepted the separation.
He has our DS to stay around once a week (at my request, ex never invites him or asks to see him).
I am now - after 5 years - in a happy healthy new relationship (for just over a year now). My son gets on with new partner really well. We have been taking things very slowly (it took me a long time to get over the split), and everything feels very positive now, and mature (compared with what I had before!).
Except for the fact that every time my ex has DS to stay, he interrogates him about my new partner. (Eg. Has he been to the house? Has he stayed the night? etc) This is making DS very uncomfortable. He wants to tell the truth to his dad, but has realised that the truth makes his dad angry or depressed. He feels torn between us. He got very upset the other day because ex told him that he had seen my new partner and think he is "very ugly" (he isn't!). DS has autism and high anxiety, and this sent him into an awful tummy-achey state. He feels the need to agree with his dad, out of loyalty to him. But also feels that would be disloyal to me.
I feel so so angry with my ex for making our DS feel this way (and this is just one example of many). I have tried to talk to my ex about it, but he always responds by saying "it was only a joke and he KNOWS it was" or "I'll say what I like to our DS". I try to explain how it's making DS feel, but he then accuses ME of being the one who makes DS feel bad, by causing our separation in the first place - it is all my fault, always... He says, "Well you know what to do about it" (meaning I should get back together with him and then everything would be alright...) I can't ever make him see how his words affect our DS. I feel so worried about it. DS is having trouble with sleeping and real big problems at school. This is partly due to his ASD but he has told me himself that a big part of his stress is his dad and the feeling of being in the middle.
I know that one solution would be for DS not to see his dad. But I feel this may be too drastic a step. DS does want to see him (though mainly because he has an Xbox!!) Also, the once-a-week night that DS stays with his Dad is my only chance to see my new partner on my own. If I don't get that reasonably regular time alone with him then I fear the relationship will suffer. (DS staying with his dad is the only way I can get a night off - there is no one else who can have him for the night).
Anyone else going through a similar thing? What to do?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 01/01/2021 23:33

Sadly you can’t control what your ex does. You’ve clearly tried to talk to him and he’s not listening. I’d get counselling for your DS (maybe through the school if that’s an option)

Sorry you’re going through this

Original poster
Tweetabix · 01/01/2021 23:33

PS. DS told me this evening, "I don't think you should see J (new partner) anymore, Mum". I asked why he felt that way. He replied, "Because it makes dad angry".

OP posts:
Original poster
Tweetabix · 01/01/2021 23:36

DS does have counselling at school - or at least a counsellor attempts to help him, but he won't open up to her. He has had numerous appointments with our local CAMHS service too, but all failures as he "refuses to engage" - his autism makes it very very hard for him to talk to anyone (apart from me) about his feelings.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 01/01/2021 23:39

Does your child enjoy the visits to his dad? Because if he is put against the wall during them and his dad doesn’t initiate contact unless you push for it, why are you putting your son through this in exchange of some lousy babysitting?

There are more creative and more child friendly ways to find time for yourself when you are raising a kid 24/7.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/01/2021 23:40

I wouldn't be sending him to his dads for now, it's harming him. Let his dad chase for contact and hopefully start to appreciate that he cannot abuse your son like this. If your meeting partner cannot cope with your child always being there then he's not the one for you anyway.

Oldbutstillgotit · 01/01/2021 23:40

OP my ex did this with my DC. He wasn’t interested in seeing them until I met my now DH but when he did he interrogated them, said horrible things about DH and me. It was awful so I stopped contact ( no court order) .I really don’t think you should continue contact . It seems you are pushing it to give yourself a break ( understandable) but sorry , your DC has to come first . Yes f your new DP is a decent man ( as mine was) he will accept your situation.

SecretRedhead · 01/01/2021 23:41

Put your foot down with ex. No more questions, it's affecting his childs wellbeing, point out that only a pathetic man-child would do this to their own son.. Him not being over it does not trump his sons feelings. Make him know it.

Oldbutstillgotit · 01/01/2021 23:42

@ SecretRedhead
I tried that but ex insisted that meant I had something to hide !

lavenderlove · 01/01/2021 23:59

Oh god my dad used to do this to me and my brother!! Only for the first few months after the split though - 5 years is ridiculous! I was ok with it as I didn't mind lying to my dad to keep the peace but my brother would break down crying and was so worried.

It's difficult because it seems the only way he might listen is if DS tells him to stop and how much it upsets and worries him, but he shouldn't have to because he's a child! I don't know what to suggest.

AliceMcK · 02/01/2021 00:14

I understand why you need a break but your DS needs to come first. This isn’t the best thing for him. Stop contact, if your ex wants contact then let he get proper access and ask for supervised contact.

If you new partner is a good guy he won’t care that you have your sin 24/7. Also have you talked to him about it?

AliceMcK · 02/01/2021 00:14

Son*

Coseynightin · 02/01/2021 00:34

This is quite funny reading the responses if it's not what i like stop contact with the dad total control freaks

Thelnebriati · 02/01/2021 00:36

There's nothing funny about men using their kids to get at their ex.

OTannenbaum · 02/01/2021 00:48

This is in my opinion a form of emotional abuse of a child and your ex ought to be ashamed of himself. Bad enough for a neurotypical child to have to deal with this but even more unfair and completely damaging to do this to an autistic child.

I can’t understand why you are putting your child through this if the ex is not actively asking for contact. Just stop sending him round there, get your DS a second hand X-box at yours if you have the financial capacity, and explain to him that as he is getting upset and having tummy aches every time he goes around there because of the conversations his dad insists on having, you want to give him a break from all the upset for a bit.

I think you need to put your child first, I get that it’s a bummer for you not to have alone time with the new partner but if your new partner is as mature and understanding as you say, he will more than understand and support this plan. And at his age surely you still have some adult time together in the evenings after lights out.

Your ex doesn’t sound like the sort of man who will fight this decision, but if he does take you to court over access then Infully believe CAFCASS would see your point of view and take a very dim view of what his dad is doing.

OTannenbaum · 02/01/2021 00:49

And well said TheInebriati.

Cleverpolly3 · 02/01/2021 00:58

@Coseynightin

This is quite funny reading the responses if it's not what i like stop contact with the dad total control freaks
What? Why don’t you stop overlooking the fact this boy’s father is a lazy parent who puts more effort into being manipulative and increasing the son’s anxiety

Being around that would not be in the child’s best interests. Stop bashing posters on here who are able to identify this and offer support and practical advice.

NovemberR · 02/01/2021 01:08

I agree with others that I'd look at stopping contact.

I'd probably be saying to my ex in faux sympathetic tones It's clear that you are still obsessed with me after all these years which is very sad and difficult for you. It's obvious this obsession is out of control and unhealthy because you constantly question our child about me. under the circumstances it's probably better that you don't have access to him until you've got some help.

SandyY2K · 02/01/2021 01:47

He has our DS to stay around once a week (at my request, ex never invites him or asks to see him).

He's a pretty useless dad if you have to request he sees his son. Why are you bothering, especially as he's now causing trouble?

Stop requesting and see what happens.

Energised · 02/01/2021 02:00

I think that you need to speak to someone about full parental control and your ex is clearly not happy about loosing his control on you, you are allowing this man to upset and mentally abuse your son on your behalf and need to think hard about wether this man should be allowed around your son, your son is going to start feeling torn and he may not understand that his dad is manipulating and conniving enough to put a wedge between u and Ur new partner throw a child not good for u and you lad take back parental responsibility and think about your son first and not your needs as obviously it's working your ex is winning and Ur the one that's not coping.

Topseyt · 02/01/2021 02:28

Stop the contact. It is supposed to be beneficial, but it isn't.

This twat is emotionally abusing your DS in order to get at you. Stop enabling it.

CuppaZa · 02/01/2021 02:33

I had exactly the same issue with my ex. It doesn’t stop. My DC are now late teens/early adults and they still get it from him.
I stopped contact for a long time due to it. Had to protect my DC

Cloudfrost · 02/01/2021 02:56

How is this even a question? Of course you need to stop contact with the father, he is basically abusing your child and you are enabling it for the sake of alone time with your partner! get an xbox and find a suitable babysitter that is good with autistic children to have your alone time. If your bf is akeeper he will be understanding and patient, if he is a dick about it then dump him

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/01/2021 03:48

You are letting your ex abuse your son so you can have shag time?!
Stop the visits.
Buy him an x-box of his own.
Find a child-minder with late hours or a sitter who will come to your home.
Finalize the divorce.
Then if your bf is a keeper, invite him to get acquainted with your son.

SimplyRadishing · 02/01/2021 06:25

@GeorgiaGirl52

You are letting your ex abuse your son so you can have shag time?! Stop the visits. Buy him an x-box of his own. Find a child-minder with late hours or a sitter who will come to your home. Finalize the divorce. Then if your bf is a keeper, invite him to get acquainted with your son.
This. Sorry op but you need to put your son first. Contact sounds harmful.
midnightstar66 · 02/01/2021 07:29

How old is your DS? I don't see it mentioned or have I missed it?