Brilliant man - but increasingly much much more dad than husband

[Oversizedhoodie]

DH and I married 8 years, together 14 and he's lovely. We have two young kids - 5 and 2 and both have full time jobs. Over lockdown we felt like a relay team swapping childcare and work between us and like every other couple in the world didn't get much time together - completely get that this is normal. Thing is, over the Christmas break where there has been time, and in truth on the rare moments we weren't dead on our feet before, he will always find energy to do something for or with the kids - a game, just having a laugh, whatever it might be, it's fantastic - but there never seems to be energy left for me. He's too tired for sex, for tv together even sometimes and we rarely talk about anything but kids / admin etc. He's always kind towards me and when I've raised this with him always says he loves me and we're just both knackered etc etc. I love that he's such a brilliant dad, it just seems not quite right that he'd find or make time to be a brilliantly energetic and entertaining dad any spare moment between work and yet rarely have time to sit and have a drink with me on a saturday night much less go to bed.

Has anyone been in a similar boat?

Has it just been this year/since you had your second this has happened? If so I would talk to him about it. Perhaps he’s stressed and doesn’t feel up to it. Is avoiding conversations and hiding behind kids playing. He could be depressed but masking. I think you need to have an open and honest conversation.

What was his upbringing like? What’s his blueprint for a Dad and a husband?

How does he handle emotional intimacy?

The other poster makes a good point. What I’m suggesting really is you examine that blue print together and come to a new arrangement

Thanks for replying - these are really good questions. Thinking about it, when we first got together if he was under pressure / unhappy he had a tendency to withdraw - would always be superficially and sincerely kind but quite distant with it in a way that’s hard to explain. I think that came directly from his blueprint as you put it - his dad was away a lot and when he was around could be quite a scary presence so I think his MO for tricky times was to shut off. I suppose it’s an established pattern that had got much better over the years but might be resurfacing now - it comes very naturally with him to play with and speak to kids and he’s always been generally less confident with adults and it’s taken real effort for him to be open with me over the years. I do wonder whether without the time together to keep it up he’s slipped back especially with additional pressures at work etc. Have tried talking he just tends to agree and make commitments to be more open and available but then I think feels under more pressure and retreats more. It’s really hard to explain - I’ll say it would be nice to talk more and he will come over when kids are in bed and try to make a conversation - it just feels very artificial and bringing it up about sex seems embarrassing for him and not great for me and doesn’t seem to improve it.

Join in with the kids and him. Use those moments when he's relaxed and engaged to rebuild your connection. It's like when you are out and about in the early days of your relationship. It may take a while, but you can get to that point where you are totally appropriate round the kids but feel like you've got a little electricity happening between you too. It lasts until the children are in bed, and you get an opportunity.

That’s a really good idea. Sounds daft but we’re always in as a four but never as a four - one of us with kids one cooking, working, laundry whatever. Will try to get more involved - I’m actually a bit rubbish at playing and he is brilliant so tend to leave him to it and get on with house which won’t have helped.

This seems very like my relationship with my DH - but I am your DH.

I know it is an issue but for me I am so utterly shattered working / sorting house / playing with kids - that when there is time for me and DH post 8pm I really just need to collapse ready to do it all again tomorrow.

I'm hoping this isn't so bad once the DC are older and have some independence, however I know I need to give more to our relationship. I want to and I do intend to every day, but once the evening hits and I know this is my only time of collapse, I want to take it.

I don't know the answer.

Reassuring to hear the other side - thank you. Fingers crossed is a time thing that will
Pass for both of us x