Have you ever dated a narcissist?

[maxxyboy]

What traits did they have ?
And did they do the big discard ?
How do you spot one ?
I think my ex is a narcissist,he never felt any emotion,never was in the wrong,twisted situations. Etc etc

Yes, I have just got out of this kind of relationship. Talked about himself, selfish, no empathy, put downs disguised as 'banter', twisted things (very clever) I questioned it all as I could see through it and he said I 'broke him down.' He said to me 'I wonder if I can control you' , a particular time 'sex wasn't memorable'. I was trauma bonded, kept going back. Blocking/unblocking, bad relationship with mother of his kids and a string of women. Never settled. Never wrong, resigned from jobs, incidentally had a very good well paid job. He was very controlling. I'm out, just (just before Christmas) but it has been hard, my mental health and self esteem have suffered. I became paranoid and felt worthless and depressed. How are you OP?

I think so. I’m not a medical professional and he didnt have a diagnosis but I have suspicions.
He was very self centred to the point he couldn’t empathise with others at all. He was good at pretending to though.
I was only with him 5 months but my body knew something wasn’t right, I suffered dreadful anxiety with him that I justified as being due to Covid.
Listen to tour body, it picks up on bad vibes.

Other traits that I spotted (afterwards!)
Didn’t like any animals
Didn’t prioritise his kids
Spoke badly of all exes
Entitled attitude
Contradicted himself over time due to lying
Love bombing at the start
Gaslighting

If any behaviour feels off to you, don’t justify it. Run!

Yes, my ex before my current partner.

He had a big lack of empathy. Claimed to not understand emotion/feelings of others.

He would drone on and on about himself.

Very charismatic, could turn the charm on. Very attentive.

Lovebombed. Pulled out all the stops when we began dating...especially in terms of experiences and making memories.

Tried to triangulate me with his ex partner (this didn't work on me but they do it to try to make you insecure or feel unworthy, as though you have someone to compare to.)

Distant/aloof in spurts.

Said people either loved or hated him...most people over time grew to dislike him because of how he treated them.

Cheated and lied behind my back.

Hid a lot of things behind being a 'workaholic.'

Lied about having illnesses, doctors appointments, fainting and being infertile.

Secret weed addiction.

He broke up with me after he got another woman pregnant. He tried to message me again but I never replied.

Oh, and a really elevated sense of himself giving that he really had nothing much going for him beyond some charm.

This sounds familiar
He hated animals
Would constantly try and make me jealous with other women.
Was condescending and made me feel like I should be grateful.
He then called me a narcissist
Everything he did to me ,he said I did to him

I don’t know if he was a narcissist.

But I dated someone who did the total love bombing, future faking thing. I thought I was clever and saw through his bullshit but he pushed and pushed. Incredibly handsome. Incredibly funny and charming and made me feel like I was in some kind of epic movie, crazy in love type thing but at the same time always pushing at boundaries, slightly destabilising me all the time. Silly things like he lived quite a distance away, he’d say he was coming over (to stay the weekend) on a Friday and we planned for me to meet him at the station, but then he’d turn up at my work on the Thursday. Dressed up as some romantic surprise but really just a way to keep me guessing.

Fascinated with himself, sent me pictures of himself as a child through the post - completely apropos of nothing!

Once we were having a conversation about the night we met and I said how I hadn’t expected I’d be his type or something, and he was saying no no I was his type, he thought I was hot blah blah but he slipped up saying ‘there was just something about you seemed really vulnerable’. (My mum had not long died actually). I stupidly took it as ‘ahh and he wanted to take care of me’ but looking back it clearly wasn’t that.

Got angry with me for saying Gene Kelly was handsome in a film we were watching (Gene Kelly of all bloody people!) Dressed it up later as a ‘joke’ but very odd.

All fairly obvious red flags looking back but it was all tied up in this whole ‘whirlwind love affair’ thing that he had me buying into, and he was just so crazy about me and so passionate etc etc. He had me not knowing what end was up in such a ridiculously short time.

Completely ghosted me after I pushed back on some issue or other. Went from months of either physically being with me or phoning me 5 times a day and constant messaging in between to just absolutely nothing. Didn’t reply to my messages, wouldn’t return my calls, left me frantically trying to work out of he was ok or what was wrong.

Again, looking back on previous conversations I think I was meant to beg and plead. But after a few days of chasing I just got angry and messaged him to say I didn’t understand what kind of person behaved that way and I was glad I didn’t understand it, as you’d have to be an unfeeling fucking psycho to ‘get it’ which clearly he was. Told him it was too late now anyway and not to bother contacting me again, and blocked him on my phone. Which of course led to him desperately trying to ‘hoover’ me back up and contact me via other means - he was still trying actually periodically until fairly recently whilst also managing to get married and have 2 kids in that time. I’m under no illusion it’s because he gives a shit about me, I just think he doesn’t like that I stopped falling for it (I’m sure he tries various exes and escapees any time he feels he needs a ‘hit’).

@AliasGrape totally nailed it. Mine had a 'harem' of exes including his ex wife who he was always trying to rekindle things with...usually without much success. I only discovered this fully once our relationship ended. It was like a need to see if he still had a hold over people. It's why I vowed to myself never to respond to him. I am not part of any man's harem.

Oh yes. Definitely recognise many of those traits. My DP (now my ex-DP) was so attentive and romantic at the start. It felt so good. I "knew" he was the one... Once our DS was born, everything changed. He seemed incapable of seeing things from other peoples' point of view. Massive chip on his shoulder, the whole word was against him, no one understood him, he was a genius but no one appreciated him, etc. etc. Always accusing me of the very things he was doing himself. We are now separated but my son stays with him about once a week (I always arrange this, it's never ex-DP's idea). I wish that I could now break off all contact with him as I know this would be the healthiest thing for me, emotionally. But because of our DS I will always have that link with him. And because he is such a child himself, I have to kind of micro manage our DS's visits every week. Have to remind ex-DP that he will need to make sure there is food in for DS, to make sure DS has clean clothes for school, etc. I have to remind him of these things every week. He is very very depressed about our separation (which was 5 years ago) and tells me this practically every other day. Has been suicidal - apparently. All my fault of course. I still feel emotionally controlled by him, but at least I am now in a relationship with someone new, who acts like a grown up (most of the time!). It's been a real roller coaster (still is in many ways) but once you start recognising the traits, it gets kind of easier. You finally realise, "it's not you, it's him!" Good luck OP...

Reader, I married him. Didn’t know he was a narc at the time - they are devious, clever bastards. Selfish beyond words, entitled, a constant liar, never wrong, displayed gaslighting behaviour to keep you off balance, no empathy, incredibly controlling (but very charming and funny when he wanted to be.) Eventually he cheated once too often, couldn’t talk his way out of it, and I divorced him. I thank god very day I got out and didn’t have kids with him!

God, yes.

He did all sorts for me in the beginning - days out, trips away. Then it became apparent that's what he does with every woman.
Didn't priotise his kids.
Would play women off against each other.
Would drop hints that they fancied him or that something had happened between them in the past to try and make me insecure.
All sorts of risky stuff and rule breaking. Loves the drama of things going wrong so he can claim to be the hero even though he's at fault.
Twists everything and always 5 steps ahead with excuses.
Made everyone think I was crazy and clingy.
Said I was using sex to control him because I didn't like him turning up just when it suited him.
Silent treatment regularly.

I could list so much more. But even now he'd have a reason for everything that makes it all my fault. I'm the bad guy, I hurt him, etc. I'm really struggling with new partner despite months of counselling because it's like I'm waiting for the act to drop even though current partner is so different