Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell her he cheated?

19 replies

shg23 · 01/01/2021 21:25

A friend of mine (we're not especially close but have spent a lot of time together) has a boyfriend who she has been with for over 2 years now. He cheated on every one of his ex girlfriends. My friend started her year abroad in September and she was a bit worried about him being apart but they seemed to be doing okay.

I was told by my ex boyfriend (who is living with her boyfriend) that the boyfriend has cheated. He cheated on her at a party and was seen by others, who all are friends of the girl too. None of them have told her and I feel absolutely awful for her.

I want to tell her because I think it is so wrong not to, but also I don't really know what to do.

OP posts:
SueDeNimm · 01/01/2021 21:55

Do it anonymously! There were lots of witnesses and you could even say that in the letter. But with a bit of luck she will meet a new man abroad..,

Closetbeanmuncher · 01/01/2021 22:01

I would want to know if someone was doing that to me. If her relationship with herself is healthy she will thank you for it.

SlightlyJaded · 01/01/2021 22:03

Could you tell her that you've heard a rumour, so wanted to give her the head's up, but that she should corroborate it with someone at the party? If there were lots of witnesses then it won't just be you in the firing line.

I know that there are always the 'tell her/don't tell her' arguments on this thread, but he is her boyfriend - not the DH and father of her children - the fallout will be less and better to know now than down the line.

legalseagull · 01/01/2021 22:10

I would tell her purely because so many other people know that he's making a fool of her.

Dreahil1 · 01/01/2021 22:14

So you have known a while OP? If it was your Ex bf who told you?

Based on it sounds like you don’t know what’s what exactly I wouldn’t say anything unless the friend came to me about it.

Original poster
shg23 · 01/01/2021 22:58

I’ve only known around a week because he told me when we talked. I have screenshots proving that they know about it too, I just didn’t witness it firsthand

OP posts:
SmeleanorSmellstrop · 02/01/2021 05:48

I absolutely would, and if I found out that a friend of mine had known my partner cheated but didn't tell me, i'd no longer be their friend. I really think she deserves to know.

FuckOffBorisYouTwat · 02/01/2021 05:56

Tell her. How awful no one else has. No friend would allow someone to be cheated on. I will tell her exactly what you were told and explain that you weren't there but were told this information by your ex.

user1471565182 · 02/01/2021 06:26

yes

NoGoodPunsLeft · 02/01/2021 06:35

Please do, it's disgraceful that so many others do but haven't told her.

Dreahil1 · 02/01/2021 07:29

@shg23

I’ve only known around a week because he told me when we talked. I have screenshots proving that they know about it too, I just didn’t witness it firsthand
Did he tell you in confidence though? I assume he did!
Original poster
shg23 · 02/01/2021 12:43

Of course but I’ve spoken with him about it and he said he doesn’t mind if I tell her, it’s just he doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
3u33y · 02/01/2021 13:15

Tell her- it’s humiliating to know that ‘everyone else’ knows and hasn’t told you. Trust me she’s better off for knowing

Cantdoitallperfectly · 02/01/2021 13:18

Tell her. Similar happened to me years ago, I was in the early stages of a relationship (6months or so) and a friend took me aside and told me that my then boyfriend had cheated. She was part of the wider group and gently said that he was up to no good but didn’t go into details. I was so grateful to her and we are still friends to this day 20 years on.

WunWun · 02/01/2021 13:20

Definitely tell her. Definitely not annoymously! That would be an awful thing to do - imagine how paranoid it would make her feel.

BurningRed · 02/01/2021 13:38

Please tell her.

She’s wasting her time with this loser, she may not appreciate it at the beginning but long term, she will.

jessstan1 · 02/01/2021 13:48

Slightly Jaded: Could you tell her that you've heard a rumour, so wanted to give her the head's up, but that she should corroborate it with someone at the party? If there were lots of witnesses then it won't just be you in the firing line.
........
That sounds eminently sensible.

You and your friends sound quite young, many probably still at the 'having a good time being free' stage. There's no need to be in a committed relationship but the guy should be honest about what he does.

I also agree that telling her anonymously is a dreadful idea. Many people who receive anonymous letters or whatever just bin them. There's no need for that.

FootspaAndGin · 02/01/2021 14:05

Tell her.

My exh cheated on me with a woman at work. I knew two of his colleagues socially but wasn't friends with either of them - we did a hobby together.

Neither of them told me, and I understand why - they had to work with my exh every whereas they spent a couple of hours a week with me - but I wish they had. They were both relieved when I told them I knew and, judging by the look on one of their faces when I told her I knew, I suspect she was expecting a bit of a show down.

It was hard for them knowing and not saying anything. I would have been very upset had we been friends and they'd said nothing though.

BlueThistles · 02/01/2021 14:38

I would tell her anonymously ... shooting the messenger is definitely a thing... but you know he'll deny all of it and she'll likely believe him and forgive him 🌺

New posts on this thread. Refresh page