Hi mums (and dads). I created this account because I honestly do not know who to talk to about this without being encouraged to work it out etc. I have been married for 3.5 years been together for 5 years and have an almost 4 year old DS.
To give an unbiased account of our relationship, we did not start off well in fact there was cheating which led to conception of my step son. I stayed with him not because I loved him but because my self esteem was so low that I did not believe I deserved better. My ex had cheated and also got another girl pregnant so I felt like this was my fate.
To be honest I was never in love with my husband but felt he was a safe partner. He is well domesticated, takes care of DS, cooks, cleans etc but ever since I started therapy I have come to accept that I messed up big time. I know this. I messed up my life and DH by making what I thought was a good choice for me even though I knew it wasn't!
I have never been happy in my relationship/marriage, I have only ever known toxic relationships and when this man asked me to marry him I felt like I was getting what I deserved.
I dont even know if any of this makes sense, I just need to talk to someone even if it is strangers on the Internet!
We do not have a friendship, we never did. What we have are two people with similar interests living in the same house raising an amazing boy. We can go for days without talking, I mean properly talking. Apart from how are you we have not become closer during this pandemic, neither have we grown apart.
I lost my sex drive when we had DS and the more I feel unhappy the less I want to have sex and this frustrates him. We do not have an emotional connection, we do not have banter. When I think of divorcing I cant help but feel responsible for putting him in this position. I don't want to put him out, I dont want to break his heart but I really cannot go another year like this.
I know I messed up by not seeking therapy sooner. I messed up by not saying no to him when we begged me to take him back or even when he asked me to marry him. I should have said no when we were engaged and I knew I didnt want this. I should have broken up with him the many times I wanted to but felt scared that I would be putting him out... I am always scared and feel sorry about putting him out because he doesn't have any family and I dont want his friends to feel sorry for him, I dont want him to be a burden on anyone and so I go back to square one. My therapist said I still have low self esteem because I still put his needs before mine. I just feel responsible even though I dont want to be married. I don't.