I think I may have just put the final nail in the coffin [sad]

[lifesnotgood]

I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I need to talk.

I have done some dreadful things over the past 5 years financially. I've taken out loans to pay off people, increased the mortgage, all sorts. The reasons are probably not good enough, but I have deceived my dddh for all this time. Today, it came to a head. I saw a mortgage advisor, without his initial knowledge. He's been to see both of us today and now dh knows everything. He is not happy. He thinks I've been taking him for a mug. He says thats it, its over. The hous has to be sold and we both go our separate ways. I don't know what to do or say to him to make him see that there is a way out. Ultimately, in amongst all the debt I have racked up, it is only on the mortgage and second mortgage. Only - who am I trying to kid. We still have massive equity on our beautiful house and a change of mortgage will still be within our comfort zone, but he can't get past the fact that I've decieved him. I love him so very much and I have never been unfaithful to him and never would. All I have ever done, is to try to make him happy. We have had some really rotten shit happen to us over ther past 5 years and I was alway just trying to ease the pain. I don't know what I wan from you, but I just needed to ramble a bit. I've tried to tell him to see the bigger picture and that I am now, at least, being honest about things, but he ain't budging. I hope its a knee jerk reaction and he will being to ease up, but I'm so scared this is it.

Its all my fault, what in all honestly do I expect. In 2 hours, I've just completely ruined my lovely marriage and right now I will regret this for the rest of my life.

Thankyou for listening.

and he never wondered where the extra money was coming from

Show him what you have written here.

Why were you taking extra loans? Was money tight?

You have to give him time to get over the shock and then talk.

Good luck.

I agree with NAB3 - show him what you have written here. He is still in shock - at the moment he can only see this problem. Hopefully when he gets over it a bit he will be willing to talk.

He left me in charge of the finances. He never questioned where the money was coming from. Each time the loans got bigger, so he just never noticed. I hope he can get over this. I know its all wrong, but I am at least trying to put it right. He can have complete control after that. I've tried to get him to see the bigger picture, but atm he's not budging. I guess I have to leave him to think for a while. Its a horrid mess and I love him so much, i hope we can get through this. The new mortgage is still gonna be High Street, so its not so bad that we have to use bad debt companies. I know its still no excuse, but I was in such a dark place when it all started and it just got out of hand.

Showing him this won't help, I don't think. He'll be cross that I've discussed our business with you, despite the fact that you are just in internet space somewhere.

Let him fumigate over this for a while. He may come around, but one thing you do NOT need to be doing is justifying your deception in any way. If you are remorseful for the lying, he needs to hear the remorse, not about how you did it to make him happy and it could have been worse.

You do have my sympathy, y7ou must feel bloody awful

its quite similar to another thread i read where dh racked up loads of debt the dw felt betrayed and wanted to leave i think its because all seems like a lie and if they lied about that what else have they lied about

let him have his space you know you did wrong now let him know you will fix this write hima letter telling him exactly how you feel tell him you would never lied you got in too deep was afraid of hurting him you have never lied about anything else

ask him to give you second chance tell him you will get help and maybe you could both start afresh consider all options but if he still wants out dont beg him this may be his exscuse to leave but if you were both genuinly happy before then dont give up trying fear and anger makes people say and act irrational

good luck

definitely be remorseful

what did you use the money for?

he needs time to come to terms with this, but you need to take some responsibility for what you have done, mind you, lying for 5 years must have been exhausting, there must be some relief with it being out in the open.

I think to us you sound very very sorry but the way you are describing communication with dh so far, it sounds too much like you are waiting for forgiveness. I know you are waiting desperately to be forgiven so you can move on and save things but you need to come across as more humble and is if you don't expect him to forgive you iyswim.

Think of how you'd want him to demonstrate how sorry he was if he'd done something unforgivable. I don't think attempting to get him to see the 'bigger picture' is the way to go. It kind of diminishes things - ackmnowledge how in the shit you are to him even if the reality is more hopeful, that way he'll think you are sorry rather than just being laissez faire about it.

Tbh, my dh would probably have the same reaction as yours if I had done something like this, he would fume and need to calm down, but I doubt very much that he would be able to leave the dc. Perhaps your dh will feel the same when he has had time to think.

you sound so sad - one thing though, your dh is a grown man, he must have had some idea of your incomes, i do not have to deal with our family finances at all, however, i know what we bring in and what my spending limit is!

to totally blame you is to remove himself from responsibility, he's been spending money too, no doubt.

also, although money worries are an absolute shit within a marriage, if he gives up on you now, i wonder if this was just the excuse he needed for a 'get-out'

good luck sweetie!

You are an equal adult and it really comes across as he is treating you like a child and you are waiting until he deigns to forgive you.

Yes, what you did was wrong but you have owned up and apoogised now. If he doesn't like it he will have to make a choice.

This is a big deal - you have lied to him for years (or not let him know the truth). Of course he is mad but i hope he can forgive.

If begging is what it takes i would say do it - what have you got to lose? This is not a time to keep your dignity and you need to show him in whatever way you can that you are so so sorry.

Getting over this is going to be hard - now the trust is broken btween you it is not a question of just handing it over to him now.

Only you know if your relationship is worth saving and whether is just the excuse he needs. you knew it was a big deal otherwise why would you hide it all this time?

Anyway wishing you well - there is always a way out of every problem i really hope yo can find that way together.

thankyou so much for your supoport. I know I've done very wrong and I hope he can see that I am very sorry. I'll do anything, I love him so much and I know somewhere inside, he loves me too. You can't just switch it off. Before this, it was good, very good. We always laugh together and we are a good partnership. We work very well together. I think I'll try the letter. He doesn't want to talk to me right now. He needs to take it all in. Its understandable. Like most men, he needs to get things straight in his head and then talk and not shout. DC's are away for the night, so its going to be a long night. He is at least here. He hasn't stormed out and refused to come home. Thats a start. I just want to hold him, but at the moment, he doesn't want that. I'll keep my distance for a while and try again later. Talking to him now will only make things worse.

I've just gone about things completely the wrong way. He hates borrowing, even a mortgage. We have such a small mortgage and even with the loan debt we are still in massive equity and within our comfort zone. This doesn't have to be a disaster, but maybe thats me not taking money seriously enough.

equity is not the same as money in the bank.

at the end of the day, you like spending, and he doesn;t. and his comfort zone is a small mortgage and no debt, whereas yours seems to be a mortgage and as much debt as you can afford. diametrically opposite standpoints.

from his POV, you have deliberately gone against everything he believes in, so he is entitled to be angry.

i hope you talk and can move forward from this, it sounds like you have a sound relationship otehrwise

We've talked. We've really talked. And cried and walked out and cried again, but we've made progress. Thank god the DC's were away for the night. DH's last words were, 'once this is all sorted, we do things together' I thank god that he thinks we're worth it. I still feel thoroughly miserable about the whole thing, but if its taught me anything, its that dh loves me very much and he deserves to be treated with respect. We'll be ok. Its not going to be plain sailing, but what can I expect. All I know now, is that he loves me enough, to do this together. Thank god. Thanks for your words and just thanks for being Mumsnet really.

I will now revert to being my usual name, that is on here very regularly and you'll never know.... Thankyou for listening.

so glad for you. Set up a spreadsheet about all your finances and go through it together, start of daily then move on to weekly so everything is always jointly.

I hope this is the start of something even better in your realtionship.

That is fantastic news.

That's great news - glad things are now back on track for you.