How do I stop thinking about this?

[Thegirlfromthebigbadcity]

I've got these marks on my arm they're about the size of a fag burn. As long as I can remember my mum told me they were because she got me a jumper that was too tight and it marked my skin when I was young.

My dad certainly used to hit me when I was young I remember but we never talk about it now and I understand why he did it because he was quite messed up himself.

Last year I was in an accident and had an X ray and I found out my other arm had broke at some point in my childhood, I asked my mum and she said oh that's when you fell down stairs, we took you to the dr and he said you were ok.

So I do have my suspicions that maybe my dad did more than hit me but it won't do any good to bring it up now as I am 52 and he is in his 80s and it was all a long time ago so how do I stop thinking about it? Thanks.

I'm so sorry this happened. Maybe counselling would help?

Thank you. I don't know that I want counselling I don't see the point it was so long ago.

An ill-fitting jumper wouldn't produce marks like that. It sounds as though your mum colluded in keeping things quiet. That's really awful of your mum and your dad.

How are they with you now?

If it’s bothering you I’d recommend some therapy, if you hate it you can stop going but it may be worth exploring? Sorry this happened to you, I’m a survivor of child hood abuse and it took me many years to understand the impact it had on me. I don’t think I’d be here if it wasn’t for therapy if I’m honest.

Yes I'm pretty sure it wasn't a jumper. I just feel so stupid. Like Bishop Brennan but 50 years late. I remember my ex asked me what the marks were and I told him the jumper story and he said "yeah I don't think so". I asked him what he meant but he didn't want to get into it.

As for my parents now well they're older, querulous, demanding, my dad's still bad tempered as fuck but he's not hitting anyone because he's an old man these days. I've noticed the same with other old men who used to be nasty. They don't do it when they know they can't deal with the comeback. That's what stopped him hitting me really I was a teenager and I hit him back. But previous to thinking about these marks and the break I'd thought he'd just hit me. A lot of fathers did, back then.

@Designingheaven I'm so sorry you had similar to deal with. I wish you had had people to protect you.

I know it's maybe a bit princessy of me but I don't think I want therapy I don't have time. I have previously had therapy for PTSD - completely unrelated to childhood or indeed anything abuse-like, just a situation that fell on me - and shortly after that had a big medical condition to deal with and I've come out of that now thankfully and tbh I just don't want any more grimness. Whatever happened back then I can't even remember it so I just want to not think about it and need to find a way to do that.

Just thought there is another one I had to have an operation on my nose when I was young. So I kept on getting nosebleeds I remember I would be playing at a friend's house and if I was jumping around my nose would start bleeding. I remember my mum saying it must have been because I was picking my nose but I didn't understand that because I wasn't picking my nose I was jumping. Then I thought that jumping made me have nose bleeds. Anyway it kept on happening at school and they took me to the dr and the middle of my nose was to one side, it turned out, so I had an operation to fix it.

I guess that could have just been one of those things.

Christ see I am driving myself mad now thinking about this.

Oh dear ! You must have gone through very bad times as a child.
I don't think jumpers, however tight, leave marks.
Could it be that you don't remember because your brain shuts it out because it was too horrible ? Your last sentence seems to indicate that.
Nobody can force you into therapy, but you my find a way of coping or an understanding that gives you peace of mind.
Whatever your decision, good luck !

Sometimes we bury traumatic things deep within ourselves . It can be a way of the mind protecting itself because we are powerless to do anything to protect ourselves from the trauma .

Sometimes , these deep unconscious thoughts get stirred up . A bit like a barrel with sediment ( memories in the unconscious) from the bottom being stirred up and bits of sediment keep rising up to the top ( into your conscious).

I wonder if this is happening to you.

Have you asked your G.P to see your complete medical record? It might clear some things up for you.

I can see that makes sense but I'd rather not think about it. I just started thinking about it when I was looking at the marks on my arm in the shower. There's no use in thinking about it now because I am far from five years old now and it's too late and all it's doing is upsetting me.

@Diverseduvet good call. Would it go back as far as childhood? I think it would be useful to have a dispassionate overview. It was a teacher that took me to the hospital when I kept on having the nose bleeds so there will be a record of that at least.

I do remember that I stopped talking when I was about five. I mean I didn't talk to anyone, apart from my cardigan. I would put him over my chair when I went to lunch and I got really upset when I got back if someone had moved him. I never really thought about that before it was just normal to me to be upset about that.

Christ I sound like a headcase. And also like a misery lit cliché. I promise you my life is not like that now and I earn well and provide for my kids and have friends etc.

Your G.P should have your whole lifes record if you've always been in the UK. I had something similar and saw mine. The old hand written notes had been scanned in!

@FuckTheLemons oh my goodness that is horrific. You poor child. I think about how fragile little children are. It is horrible.

My own dad is similar with the grandkids I suppose. He has been mean to my son a couple of times. Once was in my house when I got him to leave but I felt really guilty. But he was honestly being a bastard to him. I can not think of any other way to describe it. I mean he was being cruel. Not violent, like I say he wouldn't pull that now he's older. But definitely being a bastard.

If you stopped talking, that's probably a sign of trauma.

If the hospital suspected it was non accidental it may be recorded on you're notes but that would depend on the story your patents gave the hospital.

From what you've said, it seems likely that you did suffer some violence as a child and you have options on how to proceed. But the thing you want - 'not to think about it' - might not be one of them. I think you could get to a point where you don't think about it, but you are going to have to work though some stuff first - then, hopefully, you will be able to park it.

When things like this rear their heads, the first instinct is to squash it away and this works temporarily, but with so many question marks hanging over you, i don't think you will be able to move on until you've processed everything. GP records is a good place to start, and depending on what they give you, perhaps a 'first and last' conversation with your parents.

I'm so sorry for what you might have been through.

@FuckTheLemons reading that has made me feel sick. My twins are almost 2 and the thought of that happening to someone as little as them (and any other child) just completely breaks my heart. I truly hope hell exists for people like that.
So sorry you went through that and for anyone else who has too. I wish I could wave a magic wand any make it all go away, for every child who has, is or will suffer abuse