I am lost in a fantasy world

[SleeplessInLockdown]

Name changed for this but desperately looking for someone who has experienced similar, will try to make it short.

Me pre-2020: Happily married for 20 years, two great kids, great career, busy social life and happy in myself and my age (late 40s). Occasionally fantasised about a past love from my 20s who I walked away from to be with my now DH and never regretted.

Me 2020: One of the lucky ones who can WFH, but 2020 served up some shitty times: one child went to uni (this is good but I miss him), my friend died, another friend diagnosed with cancer, I haven’t seen my family since March, suffering lockdown fatigue and have started hating my job and generally feel like I am having a mid life crisis. I want to be young again and my biggest problem is that I am now obsessively daydreaming about old flame (from 20 years ago!!), stalk him on Facebook with skills like a trained KGB agent and just want to leave my life and go back with him.

This is totally out of character for me and it has hit me so suddenly. I don’t think I am depressed, but I feel low and tired and just want to day dream all the time away from my DH. I don’t know if this is my age, lockdown boredom or combination of all the crappy 2020 ingredients.

Has anyone else been through this? How did you get a grip of yourself?

I don't think you are alone in this at all and I am experiencing similar although in my case I've developed a crush on someone I work with.
I think it's because of everything that has happened in 2020 and the boredom. No evenings out, no babysitters (in my case), nothing to look forward to, no social events. I think we are creating a sort of fantasy/escapism. Not sure how to help you though OP just wanted to say you aren't alone in feeling this way.

@Themanofmydreams, to be honest you have helped me just by replying and making me feel like I am not the only oneso thank you. I think a bit of day dreaming is fine, but I feel like I am obsessive and it doesn’t feel good.

I think it may help to realise that this is not about the man in question. He just represents a younger freer less grinding time for you so your brain has fixated on him being the answer when in fact he was just a random covariate. So to speak.

You sound burned out. I can't say if you have tipped over the line into depression, that's for you to think about possibly with the help of a HCP, but depression doesn't always mean terrible sadness. It can manifest as dragging unhappiness, boredom, lack of energy etc.

Has your job actually changed? Can you point to specific factors getting you down right now, other than lockdown? Are you doing the good basic stuff for MH - exercise, healthy eating, getting outdoors, setting small goals, talking to friends? Can you find something to do that excites you that is possible now? I am doing an apprenticeship this year (virtually) alongside work and it has really reignited me.

It will pass of its own accord, OP. Be kind to yourself in a crappy time, see what you can do about making your real life better, and as a PP said, recognise it’s not about your old flame — he’s just a convenient hook for fantasy at a time when you’re hanging on by your fingernails. Everyone I know is going slightly nuts, although it’s not always obvious — obsessive exercising, arcane new hobbies, planning imaginary round the world trips, getting religion etc etc.

Yea I developed an intense crush during lockdown on a guy who I had only a very mild romantic connection to (I am single). Really surprised me as i’m not the type to be obsessing over someone I don’t even know or have such little contact with.

I got through it by realising lockdown was messing with me, I was lonely, isolated and the stress of the year was giving me way too much time to think (and obsess).

Just see it for what it is - an indication this has been a long, difficult, often boring, slog of a year and your mind honed in on this guy as a way to try and relieve some of that.

Get a sense of humour about it is my advice. The more you torture yourself over obsessing the more you’re going to reinforce all those intense dramatic obsessive feelings. And try to see the reality of the situation - that it is a fantasy and even if you did run off with Mr Not Real it would become pretty real pretty fast once the initial excitement wore off.

Get a sense of humour about it is my advice. The more you torture yourself over obsessing the more you’re going to reinforce all those intense dramatic obsessive feelings.

Very good point. It really helps to be able to go "lol, my brain is such a weirdo, I'm going to enjoy this silly fantasy for 5 more minutes and then I'm going to go for a run and have a bubble bath with a book."

I had a strange obsession with looking up an old flame for a while. I ended up blocking him (and others connected to him) as I knew it wasn't good for me. I'm not interested in him, but it is a link back to "younger me".

I think a lot of us are struggling with everything at the moment. Things are just not how they should be.

Awww thanks everyone for such lovely replies it has helped me so much.

@Candlesticking, your post made me realise that my daydreaming about old flame gets worse every time my gym gets closed in lockdown which means my usual go to obsession is exercise which I cannot do at the moment.

@SilverRoe, I will try to follow your advise and get a sense of humour about it. Old flame has aged badly. In his Facebook photos he looks red faced and bloated. My DH on the other hand is very handsome and in great shape. We have a lovely marriage usually which is why it’s so confusing that I shut lovely DH out so I can fantasise and stalk overweight bloated old flame who I also remember as being really grumpy even in his 20s🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

It does sound, as a PP suggested, that the old flame represents the old, more carefree life rather than it necessarily being about him.

You could probably replace the old flame with any old bloke in the fantasy. I guess it's more about escapism from this horrible dystopian novel we seem to be living in the pages of.
It's understandable that you want to read a romance instead!
Stop stalking the poor man, though! It isn't him you want!

I think we all feel a bit like that some days OP. TBH I couldn't be bothered to stalk anyone, but wishing I was young again, daydreaming about past carefree times when I didn't have to be the household drudge, could spend my evenings out socialising, drinking, having fun with friends, few responsibilities, getting chatted up in bars - yes I miss all those things too and I think it's entirely normal. Acting on them by leaving your happy marriage and chasing after old flame? Now THAT would be crazy, but daydreaming? I'd maybe stop the stalking, but otherwise no harm done.

I'm having similar OP but about Alexander Skarsgaad. In my case though I know its an enjoyable fantasy to get me through this mind numbingly boring period of time. Don't beat yourself up but definitely keep it to yourself. Real life husband would be devastated if he knew bless him.