No Happy New Year here

[sbmb]

Hi, new to this although have followed MN from afar. I’m a working dad with two boys who are not long out of school/ Uni. Happily married for a significant period of time with only the usual ups and downs of a relationship in a busy household. My wife dropped a massive bombshell just after Christmas when she told me that she had been unhappy in aspects of our marriage and conceded that there was indeed someone else, someone from her past who had recently contacted her, and who apparently, can meet those needs rather than me. We have been sleeping separately on and off for a few weeks for various , on the face of it, innocent reasons ( better nights sleep/ insomnia /snoring etc) but it has become clear that this was a convenient mask to allow my wife to conduct night time conversations with the other person and avoid any intimate contact with me.

She has now progressed from this emotional unfaithfulness to physical and left me and the boys earlier this week to be with him. She plans to return to the home over the weekend but I have no idea for how long or for what real purpose. I don’t even know where in the country she is.

She has turned our world and happy, stable family upside down in a way that is totally uncharacteristic for her, having vowed never to do this and being strongly disapproving of this type of behaviour in others after the painful breakups of both of our previous, brief marriages.

My deeply felt love for my wife has never waivered and the sense of betrayal and loss of trust is overwhelming. My boys are being very supportive but I am struggling to keep it together for them. My wife already, in a matter of days, seems to have moved on and the thoughts of her being with someone else, is destroying me. Despite having my boys around me the feelings of loneliness and the absence of any physical reassurance or comfort is overwhelming. My wife feels there is nothing more to say whereas I feel I have barely had the opportunity to scratch the surface in understanding what has happened and why. Although she has briefly mentioned counselling , she has said this would be primarily for her as an individual and I have seen no signs that she is viewing this as a means of trying or wanting to save our marriage. She is a very independent and decisive person who seldom waivers once she has decided on a course of action. I feel powerless to to do anything to influence her thinking or bring about change before it’s too late and we lose everything that we have that is good and real.

Our shared plans, dreams and aspirations for our future together, when our boys are able to leave home, have been shattered and , as I’m not exactly a spring chicken, the prospect of trying to make a life without her is too painful to consider when all I want is what we had together.

I guess my reason for posting has been brought on by all that comes with New Year and whilst not necessarily looking for answers , the thoughts or experiences of anyone else in similar circumstances would be very welcome to help me understand the thoughts going round and round in my head. Where do I go next in trying to deal with this?

See a solicitor as soon as you can 👍

What a heartbreaking post.

I have no real advice to offer. The hard truth, I'm afraid, is that you are powerless to influence her. The only antidote for pain like this is to somehow work your way through it, allow yourself to feel it, and gradually heal. This process is gradual. But coming from one who has suffered significant loss in my time, there will come a time when you can smile again.

Take comfort in the presence of your boys - they sound lovely - and take it one step at a time. I'm very sorry you are going through this and sad to see anyone suffering in this way. Take care

It sounds like she checked out of the relationship some time ago and now your children are no longer the glue in your marriage, her eye has wandered. Unless she appears to have any sense of reluctance at all, you might need to call it a day, lawyer up, and start to move on.

I can feel your pain in your post.
You will get through this and you really will be fine, but it takes time and you cannot fast forward the clock unfortunately.

I'm sorry, the pain will subside but it takes time. Do you have family or friends to confide in?

Her actions seem self indulgent and selfish and seems to have little regard for your sons. They must be struggling to understand why their mum has left. Is she in contact with them?

Prioritise yourself and your sons. Eat well, lots of sleep and get some outside exercise. Don't drink too much alcohol.

Give yourself a week or so to get over the shock and then think about legal advice. Does she work? so will she need to come back to the house? It's worth getting clarity on that...whilst it's jointly your house, it's now your sole home so ideally you will feel relaxed there without her staying there.

Unfortunately many women are familiar with this as it's more common for men to have a midlife crisis and take up with a new woman, aka selfish behaviour and emotional immaturity.

At the moment it may seem like she is having a wonderful time whilst you are hurting however most people who behave so impulsively regret their actions. She will realise what she has given up and I am sure she has lost the respect of her children.

Men often rush to new relationships but allow yourself time to process the sense of loss...it does get easier as time is a healer.

Thank you all for your responses - a kind word, practical advice and some signs of empathy mean a lot. Most of my friend circle are our joint friends but yes, those that I have told are supportive but they will always , and understandably so, try to not take sides and stick to the middle ground.

Although she works from home permanently, I also do in the current climate. However, her role means that he could work from anywhere.

It does have a ring of mid life crisis about it but am fairly sure that notion would be denied or at least not confronted. She is a very independent person, strong willed, decisive , stubborn even whereas I am much more reflective and openly supportive, both emotionally and in other aspects of our relationship. I guess I worry that that stubborn, single minded streak would prevent her from reconsidering again and being open to working through any issues for the sake of our family and marriage.

Thanks again

You're probably in shock. Personally I would ask her not to return to the family home but am aware you can't legally prevent her from doing so. I'd focus her mind by immediately seeking legal advice and beginning proceedings for divorce. A big cold dose of reality is wonderful for focussing the mind. Be aware though that she will probably accuse you of being the villain of the piece and will tell others this too. She will find it difficult to accept she's behaving badly here because the situation currently feels wonderful to her. Infatuation releases chemicals into the brain that give highs similar to drug use and it's hard to walk away from that. Talk to trusted friends, do not respond to lies and false accusations. Put yourself and your children first every step of the way. She and her preferences can be of no concern to you now. You must protect yourself and your children from her behaviour.

This is the exact same advice I would give a women in your position and it's the advice I wish I had listened to and acted on when I was in this position.

Nothing different to say to the above posts but just wanted to say that I really empathise with your situation. It’s clear how much pain you’re in, and that you’ve been doing your best.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have been through exactly the same thing, four years ago, and the shock is horrendous. I actually think I had a nervous break down and was all consumed by the end of my very long marriage. I even remember boring several complete strangers at check outs with my divorce drama!
Four years on, I have learnt this:
*My marriage was crap, but we both masked it.

• I now see that things weren't good for many years.
• I have learnt how to be a better, more settled person and feel like I've been "gifted" a second chance in life.
• I made a mistake by letting my husband know I was upset.
• My heart is happier now (although still single) *My ex husband (admitted) got carried away with excitement of a new, shiny relationship and is now a balding alcoholic who is more miserable than he was in our marriage.

Good luck and feel free to inbox me if you need support.

I'm so sorry to hear this. Your wife is behaving totally out of character because she's completely infatuated with this other man, and due to the powerful emotions she is feeling she is able to justify all her actions. The day will come when she looks back in horror at how she's behaved, and how she's treated you and her boys. But for now this other man is saying all the right things and pressing all the right buttons. I've seen it happen to a couple I know and it's almost inexplicable when it happens.

Sadly, lots of people are capable of falling into these situations. It's the old "frog in a pot of boiling water" story. They wouldn't possibly consider doing this at the start, but a sequence of bad decisions, unwise conversations and chemical reactions in the brain, and then a normally sane and rational person is making dreadful decisions and betraying people they love.

She may come crawling back at some stage when she realises what she's done, or that her new man is not the man she thought he was, and you'll need to be ready for that eventuality.

Do you know his situation? Has he left a wife for her?

(I'm a man by the way).

I really know nothing about the other person. She told me he wasn't married but that doesn't mean he never has been or has just come out of relationship...or has done this sort of thing before. Clearly has little regard for the impact of his actions but there again I not know what my wife said to him to encourage / develop the conversation that led to this point. She could have presented a picture of unhappiness ...one that unfortunately she hasn't shared with me.

I'm afraid it's guaranteed that she's told him how unhappy she is and how dreadful her marriage is. She will even believe it herself, for the moment. I obviously don't know you, so I can't comment on whether she has grounds for unhappiness, but it's obviously typical affair behaviour to pick out the bits of a relationship we don't like and use that as an excuse.

If you're looking to understand her behaviour, can I mention the word "limerence" to you? There are lots of resources on the Internet that explain it and for me at least it has helped me understand my own behaviour at times and also that of people who are having affairs.

I don't want to excuse your wife, but the brutal reality is that human beings are capable of this behaviour, and we know this because it happens hundreds of times every day. The questions are how long does it last, how much damage is done, how do you protect your loved ones, how do you deal with it, how do you recover from it, will you forgive if that time comes?

Hi, I'm sorry for what has happened and can understand the hurt and pain. My initial thoughts which I hope help:

1. You are in love and grieving with who you thought your wife was and not who she actually is (now).
2. You have a rational and logical perspective and approach to someone who isn't acting rational or logical. It's a waste of time in many ways.
3. If your wife was unhappy then she could have sat down and discussed it calmly, suggested counselling or ended the marriage with compassion and consideration to you both. She did not choose to do any of these things and instead has chosen to chase a rainbow. I can assure you it will be raining when she arrives. At that point she may realise what she has done and try and return.
4. My partner left in almost similar circumstances 3 years ago. It is only now that my hurt and emotions have passed that I see objectively in so many ways I deserved better and actually, if that's how they treated me I deserve better anyway. It will get better. You still have your sons and there is plenty of happiness out there. It just takes time.
5. Read up on 'The Script' and 'Midlife Crisis' and like another poster said 'Limerence'. You're partner left because she has an unhappiness and she believes what she is doing will solve it. It won't. Her unhappiness is not your responsibility or your fault. If she was unhappy she should have taken ownership and responsibility for it. If you were a factor, she should have discussed that with you. She didn't afford you the opportunity. That's not acceptable. Also read up on 'Triangulation'. It's very powerful when someone takes their unhappiness to a third party and hears what they want to hear. Of course they tell the story from their perspective only with no balance. It's fuel on the fire of their unhappiness.

Best of luck and consider going no / low contact. I tried maintaining contact with my partner for 1 year despite many telling me not to. All I got was a merry dance of emotions. It was only when I went no contact did the enormity of what they had done dawn on them and by then I was done. Start emotionallly moving on, have boundaries, do not let your wife keep the door open for a return with a 'pick me dance'. You are better than how you have been treated.

Best of luck.

Thank you again for the responses. There are some stark realities in there which I need to grapple with. I know this weekend's return to the home isn't going to bring resolution but I feel better armed to deal with whatever it does bring and for that I thank you.

Some good posts here, particularly that by Joanne.

She is not your friend.

See a family law solicitor asap.

You will become a better person and enjoy a better life.

Oops wrong forum, but sentiment same.

Sundays post has it nailed. Include the 180.

Was in same situation in 2015, now happier than ever before.

Try to think beyond her, she is sh* on you.

Wishing you the best ((sbmb))

How are you today?

Hi, by way of an update. My wife returned to the home on Saturday and there followed an evening of upset as I learnt more about her reasons for wanting to exit the marriage and the extent of the relationship with the other person. It is clear that she does not want to try to save our marriage, but thinks it is reasonable to stay in the family home whilst this plays out, coming and going as she pleases, arguably for the sake of our youngest lad who’s 18. Obviously I am less than happy and am looking to her to do the morally right thing and leave. I would prefer her not to go to him as distance wise ( I still don’t know where he is) that would be problematic for our boys to see their mum, so that sort of suggests finding local accommodation or a friend . This request was met with flat refusal at first although I have detected that even the boys have suggested to her that staying like this would be unfair on me and there may be some rethinking on her part. I don’t feel inclined to leave our family home myself as I this is a better environment in which to protect myself and tbh , why the f...k should I.

I still can’t believe that in the space of one horrendous week it has come to this and the person with whom you have spent the last 22 years feels like a stranger. Defence mechanism I guess. I swing between despair and anger at seeing everything that was good and real in our relationship being swept down the pan without so much as a tear being shed (by her).

Solicitor ASAP.

Thinking of you.

(((sbmb)))

I really feel for you - she has been really cruel. As hard as it is tell her in no uncertain terms she has to leave. She has taken the pxxx out of you enough - her deciding she can come and go as she pleases is even more selfish and self destructive. You will also be in a much weaker position if you leave and as you quite right said ‘why the fxxx should you! Your boys sound great and you and them are a team. This will take time but you will move on and maybe look back and think you weren’t as happy as you thought you were. Be strong - best wishes xx

So, how do I get her to leave? Obviously the latest lockdown restrictions have not made it easier and provide the ideal excuse to ‘stay in the family home’. But it’s doing my head in, seeing her..being in close proximity to her,,.and hearing her talking and laughing with him on the phone in the night from the privacy of the guest room. Talk about rubbing salt into the wounds. The atmosphere generally is tolerable and I still have strong feelings for her but it can’t stay like this for the next 6 weeks.

Whilst heartbreaking, you cannot make her act in the way you expect. For whatever reason, she decided she is happier elsewhere and her vision of the future diverges from yours massively. All you can do is to give her time to rethink and perhaps suggest couselling for you two, if you want that.
There must be some underlying unhappiness for her to act this way.
Other than that, you will have to modify your vision of future and focus on getting yourself through all of this. Corny but when there’s no path you just have to do the next right thing- for yourself and the boys.