Scared to trust again ..

[velvetcubic]

I met a kind , decent and funny man five months ago on line. We hit it off straight way. We live 30 miles from one another. I am a single parent to three as primary caregiver and he is single parent to one whom he sees eow and holidays ( as he lives100 miles away for work) .
We see each other eow and may have a coffee/ walk during the alternate week . It's all going really well. It seems mutual
And equal and we talk about the next few months etc.
So My problem is that I am waiting for it to all fall apart . I have massive trust issues. I'm wondering what the catch is.
My exh had an affair and basically walked out on us and the effects on the children have been catastrophic but they are gradually healing . I was in shock for a few months but can see he has done me a massive favour... he was sexually coercive and basically a moody, absent and disinterested husband and father . I had a year of counselling
And feel stronger and more clear now .
Is this normal?
To feel worried that it will all
Go wrong or that he will let me
Down . I
Can't shake the feeling and he gives me no reason to think that he is untrustworthy . I've nearly Blown it twice woth my insecurities . Any advice appreciated , thank
You.

Anyone ? Is it
Normal After a relationship being over after nearly two years?

Not sure what to say, except that I hear you! My current guy (been dating about 6 months) is lovely, pretty much perfect for me I think, but because of all my previous relationship disasters I constantly convince myself that he is going to suddenly ghost me, despite him giving no signs of this whatsoever. That or that being with me is part of some elaborate scam on his part (this is the most irrational- what would his end game even be?)

I am thinking of seeking counselling for my trust issues, to be honest......

Tbh, I think the best way to approach it is a lot of self talk.

You were alright before you and you'll be alright after him.

If he is a cheater, and wants to cheat, he will, if he isn't, and doesn't, he won't. It really is as simple as that. And you have no way of knowing which of those he is until he either cheats or doesn't cheat.

And you will never know.

He might never cheat. He might cheat 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the line.

He might cheat and you'll never discover it.

I know this probably feels.Like I'm sticking the knife in but what I'm trying to say is that if someone hasn't given you reason to doubt them, you just have to get on with it and choose to trust them until and unless they do give you a reason.

I've been cheated on and treated badly in relationships but, if do date someone, I keep my eyes open and my worst about me but I always trust them until they give me reason not to (which they always do, but that's another story...)

Wits not worst!

Thanks . I think that is great advice . Thanks guess the bottom
Line is that I have to
Trust him until He gives me a reason not to. It's damn hard though and horrible
To feel so cynical as I
Can do at times. I am hoping that it will get easier as time passes. I don't want to destroy something lovely!

Hi @velvetcubic. I just wanted to say that I'm the same. My ex also cheated (3 times that I know of) and we finally split a year ago after I discovered the latest affair last October.
Anyway I started hanging out with my mate's brother who had also come out of a long term, unhealthy relationship. Was purely meant to be as friends but we have now been seeing each other for about 5 months... Obviously not what I was planning to do! But I also keep self-sabotaging it all. I don't think he would cheat, I really don't. He is a genuinely very decent guy (helps knowing his sister there!) But I'm so scared of it all falling apart or him going off me, especially as I too have kids that have obviously had a tough year. So I find myself constantly looking for reasons it won't work and trying to preempt it ending. Honestly, he's a bloody Saint to have put it with me 🤣.
Anyway, I just wanted to say I don't think it's unusual, it's also probably not healthy. I'm in therapy and I am aware my self-esteem is rock bottom and I'm hoping by working on this, I will get better and learn to just enjoy this new relationship. I hope that helps you in some way xx

Thank you.

Honestly? It sounds like you arent ready for another serious relationship yet.