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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have I done the right thing?

23 replies

Madeupwithit · 01/01/2021 08:37

Last year, I dated a man for around 11 months - I'll call him Peter. We get each other, have a great laugh and I adored him. We're both 50, been married before and we both have teens at home although his ex-w did have theirs at hers sometimes.

I was frustrated I didn't get to see him more than once every 10 days and his communication was very sparodic. He made me feel anxious and disconnected when he didn't contact me for 4/5 days at a time. We had a bit of a fall out in July 20 and then we just didn't ring each other so lost touch.

I've thought about him every day since. I've missed him so much but in Nov I started dating again. I've had 5 socially distanced walking dates with a lovely man who I like. He's polite, interesting, a great communicator, not love-bomby and he's respectful. I'll call him David.

Out of he blue, Peter got in touch, sent me flowers to say he was thinking of me and then rang me. He said he had been depressed and withdrawn last year but he adored me and wanted to see me again. However, further conversations have brought home to me that our major communication differences are still there. He still can't see me a lot and won't commit to contacting me more frequently ( I'm talking one text a day here at most!).

So I told Peter it's never going to work and I'm devastated because it's him I want. I can't stop crying.

Have I made the right decision or should I work on accepting that's just how Peter is? David is lovely but that connection I feel so deeply with Peter is missing.

OP posts:
lilylongjohn · 01/01/2021 08:40

It might be that both men are wrong for you, but Peter most definitely is. I suspect he's just got back in contact with you for an ego boost, sex or some other selfish reason. I don't buy the ' depressed' card as hi behaviour doesn't seem to have changed at all.

Hailtomyteeth · 01/01/2021 08:41

He wants a shag.

MimosaFields · 01/01/2021 08:42

You've done the right thing. Peter is not going to change. Take the opportunity with David and see how it goes

Bmidreams · 01/01/2021 08:43

You've done the right thing.

WarmestRoomInTheHouse · 01/01/2021 08:48

I agree that neither sounds right for you.

Peter couldn't give you what you needed before and he still can't now. Feelings and getting on well are not enough. You need to he compatible in your communication styles most importantly.

And David just isn't doing it for you

I had a similar situation once. I really liked someone whose communication style meant inwas always uncertain and insecure. I then met someone who was more what I needed in that respect but I didn't feel it was right because I didn't have the feeling of connection with him and instill.liked the first man.

I cut contact with both and it was the right thing to do.

TwentyViginti · 01/01/2021 08:48

@Hailtomyteeth

He wants a shag.
It didn't work out with whoever else he was shagging and you save him having to look elsewhere if you fall for his shit.
Madeupwithit · 01/01/2021 09:03

Ha ha. I love the honesty on here. I knew I'd get those responses re Peter.

David I feel I should hang in there with. It's a strange situation where we've not even held hands or kissed as we're both following the rules. I fancy him. I smile when he gets in touch and It feels easy with him.

Peter is just a head fuck.

OP posts:
FootspaAndGin · 01/01/2021 09:33

Oh in that case, fuck off Peter and see where it goes with David!

Madeupwithit · 01/01/2021 09:38

Will do. Funny how I needed others to tell me what I already know!

OP posts:
DeciduousPerennial · 01/01/2021 09:41

How can you feel a deep connection with a man you hardly saw and barely had contact with in between those sporadic visits? You have a deep connection to the man you want him to be, not the man he actually is.

Send his flowers back and lose his number. Let the rose tinted specs fall from your eyes.

As for David? Well, who knows? You’ve met him 5 times in person (which, by the way, was nearly 2 months worth of your relationship with Peter...) so it’s hardly enough to make a decision in my opinion. And for all of those 5 walking meet ups you have been at least partially fixated on someone else who had no intention of being what you needed or wanted in a relationship. I think David needs a fair chance with a fresh start.

Madeupwithit · 01/01/2021 11:04

Fair comments I suppose Deciduous. I just felt something with Peter that I've never felt before but I realise he treated me badly and kept me at arms length.

David does deserve a fair chance. I felt I was ready to move on but then Peter popped up and messed with my head. I've told him (P) that it will never work with us as we're fundamentally different. I deleted his number back in July and will not re-save it.

With David, it's early days and not being able to even touch is bizarre. We seem to get on well and he's keen but not pushy. I also haven't told him two of my teens are autistic and I know that puts some men off.

Anyhow. Thank you. I'm calmer today. I know what to do.

OP posts:
nolovelost · 01/01/2021 13:45

Give David a bit longer but don't let it go on too long if you're not feeling it. Don't go back to Peter.

nolovelost · 01/01/2021 13:46

Plus you've not touched him yet. It could be fireworks when you do.

Madeupwithit · 01/01/2021 14:17

I think I kind of am feeling it with David. It's just different as we're having to take things so slow.

He's just texted me now. He's been on a bike ride and he stopped to take some pics to send me and to say he's thinking of me. Just seeing his name on my phone made me smile.

I really hope there are fireworks between us. I'm a lot clearer about things since posting this thread. I needed other people to say I was doing the right thing for some reason.

OP posts:
nolovelost · 01/01/2021 17:03

Well that's nice...

I'm the same, like to think I'm good at giving advice, but when it comes to my own relationships I question things.

I know that if I had met a Peter then I wouldn't have put up with that! It would drive me mad!

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 17:08

David's the right choice....

Peter is a using TWAT

Madeupwithit · 01/01/2021 17:12

I fear you are right about Peter who has now taken to texting me each day.

Funny how he couldn't do that when we were dating isn't it? 😏

OP posts:
newyearisnewtome · 01/01/2021 17:13

Delete and block Peter. He expects that you have been waiting around all these months for his text.

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 17:23

@Madeupwithit

I fear you are right about Peter who has now taken to texting me each day.

Funny how he couldn't do that when we were dating isn't it? 😏

Does he know you met someone else... if he does ... he's playing games .. either way.. block him

Madeupwithit · 01/01/2021 17:30

Yes, he knows I met someone else.

I didn't initially tell him when he sent the flowers and got back in touch but then it became obvious that he expected us to pick up where we left off.

When I told him I was dating, he said he was shocked I'd "moved on so quickly"! It was 5 months before I dated again!!

He's not coming across well in this is he?

OP posts:
nolovelost · 01/01/2021 18:06

Don't let him sweet talk you. He'll fuck with your head again, once the daily messages die own. You might feel drawn to him but you won't regret not taking any notice when you're happy with this other respectful guy, further down the line.

nolovelost · 01/01/2021 18:07

*down

BlueThistles · 01/01/2021 18:11

@Madeupwithit

Yes, he knows I met someone else.

I didn't initially tell him when he sent the flowers and got back in touch but then it became obvious that he expected us to pick up where we left off.

When I told him I was dating, he said he was shocked I'd "moved on so quickly"! It was 5 months before I dated again!!

He's not coming across well in this is he?

Text book feeble pick me crap...

don't fall for this man.. you know if you do... you'll be put straight onto the back burner until he gets bored again... then remembers he has you to just pick up when pleases ...

keep your dignity.. your self respect and David 🌺

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