He treats me like an option these days

[Rosemary26]

Happy New Year to everyone!

I’m trying to keep my spirits up for myself tonight. This relationship started as a long-distance one, him being from the U.K. and me from the U.S. A couple of years ago he tried to move to America to be with me. I tried everything I could, started the application for him to get a green card, paid for it all, but in the end it fell through as we didn’t qualify. Then he told me that I should immigrate to the U.K. with him. Finally I decided to give it a go. ...Now that I’m here he hasn’t tried to start the legal process in any way. I’m not comfortable with having few legal rights, but he acts as if I should be just fine with this. He makes scathing remarks about my home country, saying it wouldn’t be worth returning to for me. I understand that the U.S. has many terrible problems. Regardless, it feels like a personal insult.

I have inheritance money coming to me soon, enough to give me decent options for my future. Every now and then he’d sway and make it seem like he’d be open to going back to America with me again if things don’t work out with our current arrangement. I hadn’t yet decided what to ultimately do, but yesterday he randomly said, “I won’t be going to America. I have no desire to. If that’s what you want, you can go alone.”

The way he said it so nonchalantly made me feel like, wow, this relationship doesn’t mean as much to him as it means to me. It’s stunning to me how passionate it started out between us, all of the planning and hopes, and now... He just doesn’t seem like the same person at all. He’s isolated me from people. He talks down to me. I feel as if he tries to dictate what I do. I wouldn’t have expected him to just uproot his life, but he expects it from me and there is no unity in what the future holds.

Now it’s New Years and he’s singing to himself all jolly in the house and randomly coming up to me and dancing, as if nothing’s wrong. There are many things wrong. I want to say that I love him, but I don’t know if I love this person he’s become. Any opinions please.

This relationship started as a long-distance one

Move on...

He is playing with you. Quietly buy a ticket home and go or just leave. He sounds awful

I think you need to get that distance back between you. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period; the time when he’s on his best behaviour and still trying to impress you.

When you say Then he told me that I should immigrate to the U.K. with him. Finally I decided to give it a go. ...Now that I’m here he hasn’t tried to start the legal process in any way. I’m not comfortable with having few legal rights, but he acts as if I should be just fine with this. do you mean that you’ve come in as a visitor with no intention of returning? Please, please don’t say that you’ve been that silly.

Then he told me that I should immigrate to the U.K. with him. Finally I decided to give it a go. ...Now that I’m here he hasn’t tried to start the legal process in any way. I’m not comfortable with having few legal rights, but he acts as if I should be just fine with this.

I agree with prior posters, he’s not the man for you. It’s time to call it quits.
It sounds very much like you are in the U.K. as an illegal immigrant. Because the legal process would have required you to obtain a partner visa before coming to the U.K. You can’t legally wait until after you arrive in U.K. to start this process. Which is why you have no legal right to work, rent or use the NHS.
The only reason I mention this is to save you some money getting back to the US. If you turn yourself in to home office, they’ll pay for your plane ticket back to the US. (Up to £2k)
www.gov.uk/return-home-voluntarily

If I was you, I'd get packed and go back to the States. This guy isn't treating you right...don't allow yourself to be treated like an option.

You deserve better.

You have pound signs written all over you for him... You should come back to the USA 🎉

Sadly you are this mans convenience. Quietly buy a ticket and return home. Do it now....whilst you still can.. Good luck.

Go home without him.

Or stay but leave him.

He doesn't sound particularly great. Move back to the US. Don't waste time on him.

Thank you for your comments, everyone. It really helps to not have to sit with these thoughts all by myself.

@PlanDeRaccordement & Sn0tnose
I have been very silly and a fool, I’m afraid. Before I left the U.S. I had done research and told him I’d have to apply for a visa before I came. I was doing well enough, had a decent job; I could have waited it out and paid for whatever fees. However, he was adamant that we’d be able to apply while I was here. Fed me lines about how his mother was aware of how to go about it. I figured there must be some avenue I wasn’t aware of. Boy was that a bad move.
Thank you for providing me with the information about home office! I will try to go about it that way. The sooner I can leave the better. I need all the help I can get.

Good luck OP.. and remember you're never really alone.. there's always someone on here 🌺

I’m from America too living in England!! I’m sorry you made such a big move for it to turn out like this 💐💐💐

go back home ASAP and never ever give up your life for a bloke ever again.

OP I'm really sorry you've uprooted your life like this for, well.

I think you should go home and pick up where you left off.

He's after your money.

Book a flight (if it's allowed or as soon as it is) and go.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry this has happened OP. Get back home ASAP whilst the damage is minimal.

Good luck in future.

He has isolated you, talks down to you, and tries to control you. Come back home pronto, Rosemary!

Quietly get a ticket to the USA. Cut ties with him completely.

As pps have said, he is controlling and you need to get out, fast.Try to get back to the US, quickly and quietly.

He is not the person you fell for because that person was a facade. A con to reel you in.

Start the new year off by doing right by you. Because he, never will.

Before you take any steps, check what the effect would be on your ability to return to the UK later on.
It would be a shame it you went back to the US, got on with your life, 2 years later get invited to a wedding in Scotland or something and find you won't be let in!
Good luck.

How long have you been in the uk?. I believe you are allowed to stay in the UK for 6 months witout having to have a visa?. Just buy a ticket and go back asap. Dont make the govt buy you a ticket. That will make it even harder for you to visit the UK next time

@femfemlicious

I’ve been here since the end of August 2019. Don’t know if there might be an exception allowed because of the virus and the possible dangers of traveling. I’ve been afraid that I might be stopped at the airport when I do try to go. My passport wasn’t stamped upon entry, for some reason. So no date there of when I came. Maybe that can be an odd sort of saving grace?

I appreciate all of you 💐💐💐💐

Your passport will have been scanned when you came through immigration so there will be a record of when you entered the country.