DD, her DF and her DGM

[ClemmyClemClem]

I don't really know what I'm asking for here... Opinions, a vent, I'm not sure there's anything I can do about this situation, I'm not entirely sure it's healthy.

Background... DD is 8. I split with her DF when she was 1. His relationship with his DM probably played a part in why we split. There were a couple of times he really didn't support me in favour of her. They've always been very close. I sometimes felt they were a bit weirdly close. He was quite controlling of me and very set in his ways and old for his years and we weren't compatible at all it turned out.

He has remained single and I have gone on to have another DD with a new partner. Its all very amicable, DD spends between a third and half the time with her dad, it's flexible and relaxed etc.

She's always been very close to her DGM as well. When she was younger it used to drive me a bit nuts when she would go and stay with her DGM and come home with a little attitude and as though she had lost the ability to entertain herself. DGM would literally play role play games for whole days at a time and DD wanted that level of attention when she got back.

She did grow out of that but her life is quite different at home and at her dad's. I have a large extended family. There's lots of dos, cousins to play with etc. DD and I are very close and she loves her baby sister. We watch films together, do a lot of drawing and crafts and usually socialise, which of course hasn't been as easy this year. But she's also expected to go off and play while I do jobs and generally manage our home and lives.

Her dad's family is just him and his DM. They play a lot of board games, get very competitive, and play outdoor games. They have a lot of one on one time and two on one time.

Anyway during the pandemic, exH and his DM have pretty much moved in together. She's often in the car when he picks DD up. She's often there when I drop DD off. If she isn't, they go and have a sleepover at her house. DD arrived back today after spending a couple of days with them. Full of tales of the games they have been playing - board games, made up board games, jousting and hide and seek games, baking, story writing together - she's had an amazing time!

But this isn't a special event - this is what her life is like with them and its becoming more frequent. No matter how much I try (but god I hate role play games), I cannot compete! I used to think I don't need to compete but now I'm feeling like I do. Because it's almost half her week, full of attention and fun and the other half with boring old me. She just follows me around now, begging me to play the games she plays with them and when I do, I always do it wrong.

She has clearly been very dissatisfied with our quiet new years eve - lots of food, Harry Potter movies, a family zoom caml, a little game of something she got for Christmas that we all joined in with (even the baby) and well, that's it.

I'm starting to have nightmares about her wanting to go and live with her dad. She actually would have no interest in that if her DGM wasn't there. But if that were to happen, I don't think its an ideal life for a 7 year old to be so entwined with a 40 year old and a 70 year old.

So am I just jealous? Maybe. There's nothing I can do is there? Am I being ridiculous to even be bothered by this, should I just be happy she's happy? Part of me also just thinks it's a bit strange they all have so much full on, intensive time playing together

It makes me uncomfortable too, it's not an altogether healthy dynamic and her life with you gives her that.

Until she is 11/12 she would be unlikely to be allowed to live with them full time.

Once she is 12 she will hopefully by wanting time with her friends and less of such intense relationships.

Get past Covid and your life with her and the rest of your family will open up.

Are they as active outside as inside?

Sorry OP, it does sound like you are jealous. You and you ex have different parenting styles. Neither are wrong, just different (in fact, I think her relationship with her gran sounds nice!).

Would you prefer she didn't have a loving family on her dad's side?

Are you not able to do more of the house management/administration when she is there so you have more time to spend with her?

She's with them nearly 50% of the time, it just sounds as though they are able to prioritise her more than you are. You can't even say they are Disney parenting if they have her that much.

Sounds like she's treated as an only child there. I am/ was one and you do get a lot of one on one attention.

I don't need to compete

You really don't need to compete. She will adjust to 'we do things differently here'.

It's so good for her to be a bit bored sometimes. Nothing like it to bring out her imagination.

Try and relax and enjoy her company without giving yourself a hard time by drawing comparisons. Good luck.

Hmm, is that level of attention what has created the unhealthy dynamic between your wax and his DM in the first place?

I would focus on doing DIFFERENT things with your DD, that she would still enjoy. Because sadly you are competing, because if they manage to replicate the unhealthy dynamic with your DD you may well lose her. Sorry to those who disagree, but let's call a spade a spade here. They sound far too enmeshed and they WANT to enmesh your Dd too.

So things they cannot do - is sharing her. You can organise outings with friends and extended family where she plays with other children (after COVID of course).

My DC like playing online games with their friends, and sit there chatting away, so that can be something to look at for the future - keeping an eye out for which consoles become popular with her friends.

Team sports - also a way to broaden your friendship group as you stand there chatting to other parents for the duration of training/games. (A biased nudge towards cricket - it is a great sport, both individual and team oriented. Individual skills, but a team attitude, and girls do very, very well!)

If your daughter was there full time she would be exhausted! You don't need to compete. I saw such a dynamic in a family member's divorce (fun dad vs 'boring' mum) and for a while it was tricky but the are all close and go to mum for all the important conversations. Kids do not need entertaining all the time. It sounds like you do a great job

You do sound jealous I'm afraid. Some people do just genuinely love playing games and being involved 100% in parenting, others (myself included) need space, and that's fine. I look back on my childhood and the person I loved the most was my Grandad, and he was exactly as you describe your DD's Gran. He would take us exploring in the cliffs, role play pirates and then after a long day of playing we would go back to a game of Rummy, scrabble or Monopoly. I would find it exhausting doing all that but he genuinely loved it, and we did too. My best memories are from his obvious love of doing stuff with us and practically all the board games I know were taught to me by him. I try and be more like him with my own children but he definitely loved it in a way I find it hard to sustain (perhaps I'm just too selfish?)

Basically, please don't take anything away from your DD. This may be some of her favourite memories long after her dear grandmother is gone. She will soon learn that different houses have different rules going on. Try and take her to develop a hobby that she loves, she still loves you, it may just be in a different way to her father and grandmother. In my opinion the more people who love and cherish a child, the better.

It sounds like a routine is called for here. Don't feel you have to play games with her as much as her dad and DGM do (that would do my head in too), but you could maybe have set times when you will play games with her? So she knows that it is going to happen with you, but just not as often. And are there games that she doesn't play at her dad's house that she could play with you?

Does she have friends? My DD2 is the same age and she loves to play on roblox with her best friend, which means that she isn't looking for attention from us all that much. DD1 (11) is the one looking for attention. (They're both adopted and DD1 has attachment issues and other SEN.)

If your DD doesn't have good friends, maybe that's something you can encourage once she's back in school, which will be soon thankfully (unless you live in a tier 4 area where schools are closed at the start of term?). I know that friendships are harder to cultivate with the restrictions we're under, but, as I said, texting is possibly and online games.

I wouldn't worry too much about what she does with her dad and DGM, there's nothing you can do to change that. But her time with you can be special too, just different.

It's.not that I want to stop it, Ive always encouraged her relationship with the her DGM and still would. But it's gone from one sleepover every week or fortnight to all three of them together two or three nights a week and I'm finding that level 9f fun difficult to keep up here.

@Introvertedbuthappy your grandad sounds amazing, but you with him for nearly half your life or was it more ocassional? Were there other children there?

Is not being able to sustain that selfish?

@CovidCakeConundrum - I can and do make sure I get stuff done when she's not here. And I make sure we have some one on one time. But I've a baby too, a full time job and parents and grandparents who need support, with the best will in the world I can't block out half my week to play

Somebody said enmeshed. This is the word our marriage guidance counsellor used when we were splitting. Seems so long ago though.

Thanks for the suggestions of online activities with friends. I'm definitely going to look into that and encourage it

Grandad was like that with both myself and my brother (he's 2 years younger). We spent whole holidays with him when young, then from 11 and 9 every day after school. He was brilliant and was completely involved and I loved that time with him.

I'm not suggesting you are selfish, I was just ruminating on my own decisions with my children to be more hands off - role play etc doesn't come naturally to me but I do it because I remember how I felt when Grandad did it with me.

Try and find your own groove/thing with her. For example, my eldest and I love hiking, so we do that just the two of us, whilst my youngest loves board games so we play those constantly (I've played 5 games today with him).

Honestly though, I love my Grandad so much. He's no longer with us and I would have hated it my parents resented/reduced our time because they felt jealous of our bond. I genuinely believe some people are willing to (and enjoy) being 100% in the moment with children. It's a wonderful thing for your DD to have.

You don't have to keep up that level of fun, things are different with you and your DD will love that in a different way. For example, with you she has a sibling relationship, develops independence etc. It's not a competition.

My exh threw ££££ at our dc beyond what I could have matched even if I agreed with such parenting methods... His dps waited on dc hand and foot... Literally they never lifted a finger.
Dc went nc with him and then dgps died.. They are still entitled buggars at times.
They do however respect me for my parenting style and live in the real world. Your dd will realise who is the actual rl parent. Her df and his dm aren't giving a true reflection on parenting..