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Relationships

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Original poster

How do you know if it's over or if you're just getting cold feet?

20 replies

soishowedupatyourparty · 31/12/2020 18:21

I'm due to get married next year and I'm having doubts. I don't know whether I want to spend the rest of my life like this. I love my partner so so much. When I look at him, I can't bear the thought of him being hurt, and the thought of not being with him is so hard. But I'm not happy in our relationship. There have been issues pop up over the years, and I have brushed them under the carpet because I preferred to do that than leave him. But now the wedding is getting close, everything is getting real and they are playing on my mind. I don't know whether I want this man as the father of my children. I often don't feel supported, and my happiness is not a priority of his. We disagree on some fundamental things. He can be immature and he is a real mummy's boy. I hope he would change as a father, but what if he doesn't? I find myself not wanting to have sex with him anymore. There has never been a huge amount of passion between us but I feel like all desire has gone.

I don't know whether I want this anymore. But I also don't think I can leave him. I often look at him and remember all the wonderful memories we have, the holidays, the times we have cried laughing, the times he has looked at me so adoring and I have felt so much love for him. When we're having these great times together, it's wonderful and I'm so glad I'm with him. But when problems arise, which of course they do in life, things easily turn bad. I dread to think what it would be like in future if/when something truly awful happens. We live a comfortable life and we have a nice home. Our lives are very enmeshed. I feel it would be so painful and difficult to separate. Though I know that's the same for many couples. I also know there would be times when I would hugely regret it. We separated for a period in the past and it was the worst time of my life. I didn't stop pining for him. But is all that enough of a reason to keep going? Am I living in the past? I just don't know.

I'm aware this has been a bit rambley so sorry about that! Is it possible for a relationship to have had it's day, yet there still be such an intense love? I should be happy, I wish I was happy, but I'm not.

OP posts:

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 31/12/2020 19:56

I have to say reading your post can’t see a compelling reason to stay together
Your Doubts will be amplified, you’ll drift apart and feel resentful
If you feel you are going to clash regard parenting, I’d say that won’t resolve
Unfortunately reading this it looks like the relationship has run its course

HullBrian · 31/12/2020 20:00

Reading your post, I really don’t think you should go ahead with the wedding.

You can’t stay with him because you don’t want to hurt him or because of shared memories. You have to look at your relationship as it is now. It is concerning that you don’t want to have sex with him and that you question whether you want him as the father of your children.

If you don’t truly know what you want in your heart, and I suspect you do, you should postpone at the very least.

Yes it will be painful, but far less so than if you go ahead with a marriage you don’t want and split years down the line with children involved.

Best of luck

GrettaGreen · 31/12/2020 20:05

I hope he would change as a father, but what if he doesn't?

Parenting might sometimes change values and outlook but it'll not change your personality.

YellowBeryl · 31/12/2020 20:10

Many many years ago, I was engaged to a good man. Doubts began to creep in, I couldn't really fault him but when I thought about spending the rest of my life with him and having a family with him I got the ick.
So I gave myself a good talking to - and married him because I couldn't bear to hurt him.
It went wrong almost immediately, on honeymoon even. In the end I hurt him far more than I would have done by calling the engagement off in the first place.
Be kind to both of you and listen to your gut.

CabernetSoWhat · 31/12/2020 20:10

This is not normal cold feet. This sounds like a total disaster. Get out now, while the damage will be minimal.

SandyY2K · 31/12/2020 20:11

I would suggest pre marriage counselling, but there's a lot you need to discuss before that.

There are things that the premarital counselling can't address...like him being a mummy's boy, feeling unsupported and the loss of passion.

If you want to marry him you need to address these issues...as they won't magically change when you say I do

I deliver a marriage preparation course and it's one of the key messages we try and get across...you need to accept your partner as they are and not hope for change after marriage.

Lemonpiano · 31/12/2020 20:11

But I'm not happy in our relationship

You don't marry someone feeling like that. You will regret it.

The memories of the good times won't be surgically removed from you when the relationship ends. They're already in the past, staying won't bring them into the present and it's just delaying the inevitable grieving process.

Marrying him or having children with him won't wave a magic wand and transform him into the person you wish he was.

mindutopia · 31/12/2020 20:19

You absolutely sound like you aren’t compatible and the kind thing to do is end it. I think there are people who are nervous just before getting married, but it’s a minor wobble, not a fundamental questioning. I never personally had a wobble at all and Dh and I have been happily married 12 years. The things you are questioning are fundamental differences though and they will only get worse with time and the stress of children if you have them.

Sundance2741 · 31/12/2020 20:28

Don't marry him. Marriage won't make your doubts go away and you'll end up regretting it. Not having any desire for him is a massive issue imo.

Happiness doesn't have to feel all singing and dancing. It can be a quiet contentment - but you don't have that.

Regret is a horrible feeling. Leave him and hope for a happier relationship in the future. X

FifteenToes · 31/12/2020 20:39

So basically, you're desperately in love and can't stand to be apart from him - you just need him to be a completely different person?

Mochatatts · 31/12/2020 20:48

Be careful who you have children with. A divorce between two adults is one thing. Being stuck dealing with someone for year because you have children together can easily become an ongoing nightmare.
Life is too short to settle and not be happy most of the time. I hope you work out what you really want x

Respectabitch · 31/12/2020 20:53

You need to postpone the wedding.

This isn't "forever is a really long scary time" cold feet. This is "there are big old cracks in our foundations and my inner self is screaming NO" cold feet, the kind you really really need to listen to.

What you are describing are big, fundamental problems. You aren't happy. You aren't supported. You aren't fulfilled. He won't be a good dad. If you marry him, the cracks will become huge, gaping chasms, and the two of you will start to resent each other until all the love turns to hate.

Put the brakes on. You have to tell him your concerns. It will be a hard, horrible conversation, but not nearly as hard and horrible as when you divorce and all the good memories have been drowned out by bad and you have DC who are caught in the middle.

HereIAmOnceAgain · 31/12/2020 20:57

Don't marry him hoping he'll change. He won't. Having children tends to magnify these sorts of things, not resolve them. If you're not going to be happy marrying who is now, if your hoping having kids will make him grow up, I wouldn't be getting married.

mistermagpie · 31/12/2020 21:00

Marrying him would be a really bad idea.

I got married about ten years ago. We had been together for years but the doubts were creeping in before the wedding, like you said there were fundamental differences in our desired lifestyles and while we didn't argue much I'm not sure I was ever really 'myself' in the relationship. Much later I found out that he had gone missing on the morning of our wedding and nearly called it off. I kind of wish he had.

Our marriage lasted 18 months.

I'm now remarried and I never had a seconds doubt at all. I was 100% certain I wanted to be with this man forever and wanted him to be the father of my children. We now have three and I absolutely made the right choice this time.

I think when you know, you know. And when you don't, you need to listen hard to your subconscious voice and the very good reasons you have for having doubts.

Lozzerbmc · 31/12/2020 21:36

Marriage is a bad idea as this isnt cold feet its serious doubts. You need to take it seriously and think carefully rather than making a massive mistake

category12 · 31/12/2020 21:45

Don't marry him. I read up to I hope he would change as a father, but what if he doesn't? and I have to say immediately - don't marry him, don't have children with him! If he has to change fundamentally for you to be happy and you're expecting having children to make that difference, you're making a huge mistake. Having children generally is huge change for women, and you're then stuck feeling you're letting everyone down, when the man you're with is carrying on as he was, or possibly worse, because he's complacent you're there to pick up his slack.

You have to love and accept him as he is, and know that you will be a team, not be hoping he'll magically transform and only want him as he could be. He won't transform.

More commitment, more ties, do not fix relationships.

Listen to those cold feet.

HollowTalk · 31/12/2020 21:48

I don't know whether I want this man as the father of my children. I often don't feel supported, and my happiness is not a priority of his. We disagree on some fundamental things. He can be immature and he is a real mummy's boy. I hope he would change as a father, but what if he doesn't? I find myself not wanting to have sex with him anymore. There has never been a huge amount of passion between us but I feel like all desire has gone.

This isn't cold feet. It's the recognition that you two are fundamentally unsuited and shouldn't be getting married. Thank god you've realised it at this point.

Original poster

soishowedupatyourparty · 31/12/2020 22:31

Thank you all. How do you even begin to let go of a relationship of almost 9 years even if you know it's the right thing to do?

OP posts:

Respectabitch · 31/12/2020 22:42

Take things one step at a time. Talk to your fiancé. Tell him the two of you need to put the wedding on hold. Go from there.

category12 · 31/12/2020 22:50

You accept it's going to be scary and painful in the short term for both of you, and you're going to feel guilty and conflicted.

But that in the long run, it will be better for both of you.

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