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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why send this message? Any wise Mumsnetters know?

34 replies

LostThreads · 31/12/2020 18:12

Had to NC as I lost my old thread! So I have posted about this before but since then there’s been another message. I’ve no intention of responding further, I don’t think, but does anyone have any clue why people do this?!

Basically I started chatting to a nice man online. We had various exchanges on the app and then he suggested a phone call. We spoke for a couple of hours and he suggested meeting for a walk. I declined and said let’s have another phone call and then perhaps meet at a later date. This was a mix of covid and not wanting to travel to meet someone unnecessarily. He was fine with it and said it was a good idea. We spoke again and another long chat. All great. I then had some spare time last weekend pre the tier 4!! And suggested we had that walk. He said great, that he was looking forward to it. It got to the day before and he text a short message saying sorry but could we sort something another time and that he hoped I had a nice weekend no explanation as to why. The thing that bothered me about it was that he had emphatically said he was off for two weeks and had no plans at all and that he was glad we had the walk booked in. It also bothered me that when he text to cancel he didn’t explain (I get he doesn’t HAVE to, but no real indication as to why the sudden change of plans) and also the fact that he left it open and didn’t suggest another day to meet. In the end I replied and said it was no problem but that I sensed we had different priorities and we should leave things here. I was pleasant about it and said that o hadn’t enjoyed speaking and wished him all the best. He replied to say; you may be correct. All the best.

Ok, fair, I’ve blown him off ( not in the way I had initially hoped). So that was that and I just forgot about him.

This morning he text me saying hi. Sorry again that we didn’t meet. Hope you had a good week off work and have a great new year, best wishes.

I didn’t expect to hear from him again. Any insight into why he would suddenly send this?

Before anyone bites my head off, I don’t suddenly believe me and him are meant to be, I just find the behaviour odd and would like to understand it as I’ve just started online dating again.

OP posts:

Original poster

LostThreads · 31/12/2020 18:14

*said that I had enjoyed speaking not hadn’t

OP posts:

AramintaJames · 31/12/2020 18:15

Do you think he's sat at home mulling this all over and trying to work you out and the whole psyche of your 'relationship' to date?

You know he isn't and honestly, please don't give it head space. People do what they do and we'd only all be guessing anyway. The most likely answer is he's just not massively into you and that's just not worth dwelling on

Who actually cares what he's thinking? Not you hopefully as you'll be too busy deleting his messages and number

Ciaobaby92 · 31/12/2020 18:22

As an outsider looking in, it sounds like he's playing that all too common game of pulling you in, pushing you back, and then slowly reeling you in again. He hasn't done such a great job of communicating with you-just a few terse words of agreement, and then a goodbye is frustrating. I think this could be a pretty good indication of how your relationship will be if you get really serious...you will be floundering, trying to figure him out while he pulls the strings.

Of course we all need to bear in mind that these are strange times we're living in, and some ppl are really struggling. To me it sounds like he could possibly have other commitments, if he truly respects you he will make an effort to explain himself and communicate properly. Do not settle for anything less!

Original poster

LostThreads · 31/12/2020 18:31

@AramintaJames no I definitely don’t think he’s sitting analysing anything! As I said in my OP I’m not trying to dissect it with a hope that he’s the love of my life - I’m just curious a to the reason behind it. I hadn’t thought about him since his terse reply, not once crossed my mind although I was disappointed briefly when he cancelled.

It just seems like a pointless message.

@Ciaobaby92 I agree it would be a reflection of any relationship. I’ve previously been bad at noticing red flags and in some ways I’m proud I sent the message cutting things off as clearly he knew on some level he had been rather rude and dismissive towards me when he cancelled. It almost confirms what I did was correct! Just seems like such a strange thing to do to text after a best wishes message basically giving me the finger only a week or so ago.

OP posts:

MorbidPodcastFan · 31/12/2020 18:41

Perhaps he just wants some attention

I dont think its anything more interesting or deep than wanting some texts to ping on his phone.

Teedeepie · 31/12/2020 18:42

Hi OP. Maybe I am a little jaded and cynical but my take on it is that you took back control and he was a little speechless at first but he clearly didn’t like it so now he is playing a little cat and mice game with you to boost his ego. The outcome would undoubtedly be the same.

You said what needed to be said and as tempting as it might be I would not give him the satisfaction of a reply and just bin it and block.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/12/2020 18:46

He initially blew you off to meet someone else he thought had more potential and that didn’t work out so he’s trying you again.

Don’t be someone’s second choice. You made the right decision first time round. I’d delete and block

Whattodotho · 31/12/2020 18:48

I get the frustration with this. There was this guy who was really into me from work then would stop things then msg weeks later like nothing happened. We never actually had a date in the end I think he just wanted an ego boost from a younger girl or something. Sometimes men just like playing the field they have so many options in they're eyes on these apps and dating websites that I think they don't want to settle on anything. So just keep a few people around them that they can push and pull whne they need a ego stroke or whatever

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2020 18:50

There’s someone else op. He’s trying to work out if he has something with her whilst keeping uou as the back up plan.

Teedeepie · 31/12/2020 18:52

Its also New Years Eve... he may have decided he wants a little attention to make him feel better about himself ... don’t be his amusement as a new year ego boost!!!

carlaCox · 31/12/2020 18:52

Sounds like he's just fishing. He's probably messaging a few women through online dating and just throwing out lines to see if he gets a bite. I'd ignore it if I were you.

Aspiringmatriarch · 31/12/2020 18:59

I don't know precisely what's going on with him, but I'm pretty sure this is not how great relationships start. At best it sounds like he will waste your time. Poor/slightly cryptic communication, being inconsistent etc - it's just 'off' isn't it? I understand the wanting answers or hoping he's realised his mistake, but I've been stung too many times that way so I'm really hoping you will just delete/block and move on instead of wondering about someone who isn't worth your mental energy.

category12 · 31/12/2020 19:02

He wants to see if you'll bite again. Testing to see how desperate you are.

Aspiringmatriarch · 31/12/2020 19:04

Sorry, I didn't read very thoroughly to the end of your post OP. I still think there's no benefit in trying to analyse him. When you meet someone who's right for you it will just flow naturally, without all the weirdness.

AdaColeman · 31/12/2020 19:04

When he first cancelled your walk together, he'd had a better offer. But that hasn't gone as well as he was expecting, so now he thinks he'll give you another try.
Also, when he cancelled at short notice, he was hoping to keep you on the back burner, (see above) but your swift reply ending the friendship, put him on the back foot, he probably likes to be the one who ends things.
So, now he's attempting to restart things, and shortly he would be able to bring things to a close himself if it suited him, thus showing you that he was the one in control.

Palavah · 31/12/2020 19:05

he felt guilty about leading you on and is is trying to salve his conscience.
he's trying to see if you're up for a casual shag.

Could be either or both. I agree with PP that, infuriating as it is it's not worth the headspace.

AnyFucker · 31/12/2020 19:06

He's just playing at it or he couldn't get away from the wife at the last minute

Original poster

LostThreads · 31/12/2020 19:12

@Palavah we’d only been speaking for two weeks so doubt he would feel guilty. It wasn’t the cancelling it was the way he did it that just put me off.

@AnyFucker feasible he has a wife for sure but I think doubtful as I did my usual digging to check he was who he said he was (think LinkedIn and social media) and I would be very surprised if he is a master at all of this. He could be, though.

OP posts:

PatchworkElmer · 31/12/2020 19:23

I think he’s been talking to several women, and you’re his ‘backup option’. Ignore the message.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/12/2020 19:26

This is super run of the mill stuff OP. He was into you, sorted a date, hit it off better with someone else and / or doesn't want someone who wants the same stuff you did (which he had fibbed about when he spoke to you) so now he doesn't want to date you.

Then he was bored / drunk / whatever else and messaged for entertainment / curiosity / to see if the door was still open. Stop over analysing and ignore. He won't be analysing your response or lack thereof to any degree, let alone overanalysing!

Chill. He's a guy you spoke to for two weeks - in a year you won't even remember his name. Maybe even in a month!

Packitin · 31/12/2020 19:29

He is not getting any attention elsewhere at the mo, hes bored, probably sent similar messages to other women he chatted to....fishing, to see who replies.

Ignore x

PointyMcguire · 31/12/2020 19:30

What @Rainbowqueeen said!

Original poster

LostThreads · 31/12/2020 19:42

@youvegottenminuteslynn I am chilled just bemused by it and not come across it before! As I’ve said - and knew people would assume otherwise - I’m not bothered or upset by it, just genuinely interested by what seems strange behaviour! I’m also bored in new year on my own

OP posts:

Lampan · 31/12/2020 19:44

His other options haven’t worked out. So he’s breadcrumbing to keep himself on your mind in the hope that you will open communication again. I wouldn’t bother if I were you. I also agree with @Palavah’s points. Lots of explanations for what he did, none of them make him deserve another go.

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2020 20:14

Well this is a man you've never met, the stakes are low, who the heck cares what it's about?

He wanted to meet, you didn't. You were going to meet, he cancelled. You are strangers, he doesn't owe you an explanation or vice versa.

If you want to meet him, meet him. If you don't then don't. But there is literally nothing to judge this man on until you meet.

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