Mum telling everyone she was alone at Christmas

[whatisforteamum]

My dm has 5 dcs.She always favoured one db and has pulled some stunts on myself and diss.A controlling narcissistic person to the point I was pretty much the only one to bother with her when df died a few years ago.
A dreadful snob too not impressed by mine and dh modest lifestyle and my long shifts in a physical job.
She still mentions how long online deliveries take despite knowing it is Xmas and in a pandemic! A very impatient entitled person.
Anyway one of my dis is invited her for Xmas as she previously was the favoured family invited to dms when df was alive.
She declined and insisted she wanted to be alone like she has the last two years.
No tree just a quiet day reflecting about df which is understandable.
Mydsis asked again and was declined.Fair enough.
I prepped all the veg and dropped them at dms as she is shielding.Probably not good enough but hey I tried.
Now she told me she was alone at Xmas and didn't decorate her tree.
My db and son had coronavirus one with no symptoms so she knows she shouldn't take any risks and it must be heart breaking to be lonely.
I don't understand why she is telling everyone she was alone when people video called her, my dh and d's popped to the door and dsis actually invited her to spend the day with her family and a shielding neighbour asked her to pop for a cup of tea twice.Just venting really but can anyone relate.?

You know you are dealing with a narcissist so you need to take an emotional step back. You can calmly offer factual reminders if you like. (though she won't admit being in the wrong) e.g. 'I was alone at xmas' 'That's right, you told sis you wanted to be alone'

Stop hearing 'I didn't decorate' as an accusation or a pity me (even if it is) and start hearing it as just a fact. 'yes a lot of people have had strange xmases this year'

You can be a bit ruder, she won't notice. You can change the subject (because she wont).

Take any good bits of the relationship and focus on them, and steadfastly ignore the rest.

Thank you.I know you are right.It has taken me over 50 years to realise how manipulative she is.Being an empathetic person I normally would feel so sorry for her.
I don't.It is her choice and rejecting behaviour such as refusal to come to our lovely home for about 15 yrs even though I'm in the same town I don't offer anymore.

I have to admit to being a bit confused? She said all along that she was not going to decorate the tree and she was alone. Are you hearing her saying that as some sort of accusation? If so then reinterpret it. She was invited somewhere and chose to go so that's why she was alone and she also chose not to decorate the tree so that's why it was not decorated.

She sounds very dramatic nobody.forced her to be alone and not put her tree up did they? I know she is your mum and it has been like this forever but please turn it back onto her and it will be better for you.

You've done your best and actually more than some people would on your position. Her choices are her own.

Distance yourself and try not to take any of it to heart.

she will never be happy. ignore her. also, you are not the only one, there are your sisters and brothers who could take attention of her such behaviours.
keep away. you know who she is and will never change. enjoy your own life.

My late Mil was a difficult woman she would say things like this it was so draining DH and siblings used to be run ragged.

Lightson she wasn't doing Xmas then decided to get soninlaw to take her to get two fresh trees.lights went on outdoor one then she didn't put baubles on the indoor one.
She is able bodied.I did offer to put lights over the arch in her garden and she said no.
She could even go for a short walk but says it is boring.
I can see why the others give her the least attention.Even my dh has stopped doing so much for her.

Ask yourself why you're feeling guilty. There's no reason. Or why you're annoyed with her, for which I suspect there are many.

I don't understand why she is telling everyone she was alone when people video called her,

Because she was alone?

I don't see the issue here at all. She chose to be alone. She was alone. Unless you mean she was moaning at people becaue she was alone?

Is she martyring herself and moaning she was alone? Or just mentioning it in passing?

I’d just reply “oh yes, you had plenty of invitations didn’t you, but you said you wanted to be by yourself”.

I think you have to disengage from her emotionally and stop seeing her comments as accusations of you.
"I didn't have lights on my tree" "No something it doesn't seem worth the hassle does it!"
"I was alone for Christmas" "Oh that was relaxing, hope you got some nice food in" etc.

It's remarkable but in my experience it does work and over time they learn that you aren't being held by them any more and they don't have control of you or your feelings - in short you have made it so they can't emotonally blackmail you.

She is narrating herself.dsis has a nice home 3 dcs she would ve been picked up and dropped back.
Perhaps she realises myself diss the other one and even db who she worships are ok without her company despite asking her for many years to visit.
I think she is trying to put an emotional spin on Xmas when I work in hospitality and have spent many working so realise it is just another day.
I think everyone is tired of her games but obviously I don't want to think of her without meds or food,no one would.Dh even arranged a flu jab and took her.I A am not heart less.

*martyrring not narratting

Sounds like min
"would you like to come for Christmas?"
"oh, no I couldn't cope with your house, not with those stairs (skips up own stairs like mountain goat)"
"shall I bring you a plate of Christmas Dinner over?"
"oh no, I'll manage, I have a ready meal in the freezer I can eat, I'll be alright all on my own"
"OK, bye then".
Turns out she was going to a friend's house, but couldn't just say that, had to stick the knife in.

😂😂that is quite amusing weedsnseeds1.I guess not for you though.
I know 2020 has been difficult for those living Alone and DM said she hasn't heard from late dfs family since he went even though she was dreadful to them and slagged them off too.
Mine claims she can't walk far but you should see her go at the garden centre.Anyone would think it was a race.🤣

Sounds like mine. Has a disability badge, but regularly leaves me behind- has enough stamina and energy for two, if she wants it.

I agree with PPs, you have to stop hearing the accusations. Sometimes I'm not sure whether they are intended, or whether I hear them because of a lifetime of being trained to meet her wishes before they are expressed- everything she says reeks of disappointment that the fairies didn't whisk in to make everything perfect.

I've girded my loins and learned to ignore or push back, not to feel indignant or hurt- that's a waste of energy.

Picklemewalnuts when df and dm had cancer she used to tell sales people in the shops and often asked for discounts.
She too bad a disability badge for a while and became used to preferential treatment even claiming to be worse than df who has since died.
She is hard work.

Seems that you should reduce contact.

Sometimes I do due to working ridiculously long days.Then I feel guilty for an old person who is alone.
I think most people feel an obligation to their mother.

People sometimes get upset, depressed and at this time of year, morbidly reflective.
Cut your Mum some slack.

I agree winter can be tough and Xmas is hard.Not everyone has free time and the darkness can make it really depressing.

Why are you feeling sorry for her? She's alone because she's a toxic, abusive, rude, entitled shit pot who has driven everyone else away.

Why are you giving this vampire more of your emotional energy than your own self?

Habit I guess.It took me many decades to realise what the others saw.