Should i stay or should i go

[2021bringiton]

How do you know youve had enough in a relationship and want to leave? I think about leaving my DH everyday. We are two different people and really only together because of money/the children. Im writing this on NYE and last year at this time i started researching getting a divorce! I feel im no further forwards, im just coasting along. Easier to stay and put up than leave with a big upheaval. I know that if i stay now, when the kids are grown, ill be off. The thought of having to retire with him drinking all our pension away fills me with dread. Hes drank everyday pretty much in December, bar one or two days. Is that normal? I dont think so. We ended up arguing over the fact that he owed me money for the kids Christmas gifts (i save all year and generally think of ideas/buy all gifts/wrap them and he gives me half towards this). He got his December pay, then started wingeing that his bonus wasnt paid and thatll leave him short for January. Can he pay me in Jans pay? Yet goes out and buys expensive gin and whiskey?? Anyway, thats just a recent example.
Weve been together over 15 years. Its pretty much been the same throughout. Im just unhappy. When i talk to him about stuff, he just goes silent. Will not discuss it or goes out. Waits until ive dropped it and we go round in circles. I have no one to talk to about all this and its getting me down. Im 39 next year and the thought of another 40 years of this fill me with dread

Leave. This time next year will feel so much better!

I think about leaving my DH everyday

I didn't read any further than this. It should tell you everything you need to know. Leave. Be happy.

Life is to short..... go go go

GO.

Same boat. Every day I think about divorce. Have done for nearly 2 years now. DH is not a bad man, but extremely uptight about everything, theres no joy unless I instigate it.

Like you, I have decided when my youngest is 18 I'll leave. Problem is, I'll be 50 by then.

If I could leave I would.

Packitin

You only need to give your own self permission to leave. By the time you reach 50 you will think of yet another spurious reason to stay like you are doing now.

What do you personally want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?.

Be brave and make the break long before your youngest child reaches the age of 18. That person in particular won’t say ‘thanks mum’ to you for placing such a heavy burden on them. Staying for the children is really a bad idea, it also teaches them damaging lessons on relationships.

2021bringiton

You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Something is causing you to stay within this and it’s not your children or money. Perhaps it’s codependency or fear of the unknown or being alone.

You should not use the kids or finances as reasons to stay with such a man.

Would you want them as adults to have a relationship like yours is, no you would not. It’s not good enough for you either. You’re showing them that currently at least, all this from him is acceptable to you personally.

Thanks for your replies. I think @AttilaTheMeerkat its the fear of being on my own, finding someone else is not a priority- id rather be single, fear of money worries, single parenting although he would have the kids at the weekends. Its the whole upset.

Last time i said how i felt, he sat at the kitchen table moody, sad and drinking. My 11 year old asked what was wrong and he told him i wanted to leave him and split the family up. My 11 yo started getting upset and i backed down and carried on. Our house is not massive. It will be a struggle to live together but apart.

New Years resolution.... make an exit plan and spend next nye without him.

After your last post, what a vile person! How nasty is he to your kid!!! Wow, almost abusive.

If you start your journey to leaving tomorrow imagine how much happier you’ll be this time next year.
A whole year of starting your own life without him dragging you down

Your absolutely right. Tonight has been awful. Its cemented my decision. Ive had enough.

What do you think are the best things to do, where do i start? It seems over whelming. I think were still locked in mortgage for two years so there would be a penalty for ending that early, but it is portable so (i dont know how these things work) but if one of us took that with us? Whats the order of doing things? Do i need a solicitor or can we sort it ourselves if i can get him to not be a dick?

I'd start with getting all the information you need. Records of any assets (ie. savings, share, estimate of equity in house, cars, pensions), debts (ie. home loan, credit cards, personal or car loans), both your income and his. Write down any important dates, like when you got married, purchased house, who put what in deposit wise, inheritances. Though in a long marriage these might not matter. Then if you can afford it, worth taking it to a solicitor who specialises in family law, they'll give you an idea of what is a reasonable split of assets.

First step, gather information and paperwork together about your finances.

Second step, go and see a solicitor and get advice.

Third step, follow solicitor's advice about what next to do.

Well weve had a one sided chat about how i feel. Hes stomped off

Of course he's stomped off. He has no defence and so he'll try to make you feel guilty for making him unhappy.

Don't suddenly find yourself at the end of 2021 with the same problem.

You don't need his permission to end the relationship.

It is a unilateral decision.

Whether he accepts it or not does not change your decision.

Thanks for your replies. I really want to keep focused on this. Ive tried to talk to him but hes avoiding me. Wont talk. Not sure how long to leave it/should i move out (we have a house to sell)/im working from home..

Write him a letter/email setting out your decision and your proposal for child contact/finances/house/moving etc. Do this after you've got legal advice on your options and decided what YOU want. That is the starting point for discussion.

Also, filing for divorce is something you may or may not want to do straight away but it is a massive indicator that you are serious about it

I just think going ahead with all this is so cold when he will not discuss anything with me! Its so frustrating, i think he thinks ill snap out of it, as i have done in previous times, and all will be good again (in his eyes).

He will not discuss it. If i bring it up he sulks and leaves the room.

Ive gathered info together. We are literally the same with finances, same pay, small cc debt each and not much in savings. Ideally id like a split down the line of house equity and then for him to pay some money towards kids each month (as they would have to stay with me weekdays due to his working hours).

If i go ahead and submit divorce online, do i go for the five reasons of why or do you file and wait for two years?

Five reasons- what can i use? The relationship is very meh and no dv or anything like that. Apart from got the ick/grown apart/drinking, im stuck

2 years- i want to move on and sell the house and get on with life. Can i still do that or will not being divorced cause issues?

I really would struggle to move out as im currently wfh and home schooling. I dont think he will leave.

From what I've read on here unreasonable behaviour is pretty broad. Could be drinking interferes with family time, or he's moody.... I wouldn't wait, especially if you're like me and its taken you years to get to this point. No fault divorce here. You might get some good ideas what to use on the divorce board.

I would seek legal advice direct, you need to have a face to face conversation with a solicitor. He is not above the law here and you urgently need legal advice re the property and children.

Yes unreasonable behaviour is very broad - I used it when I divorced my ex husband - you could definitely use excessive drinking, mood swings and inability to communicate, lack of respect for starters I would say.

If he won't communicate, he will stall and delay and block you moving on and living your life.

You've got to force the issue. That's why a letter or email could be effective.

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat - speak to a lawyer and get hard facts about divorce from a professional. Armed with proper advice you can then make plans and move things along. Your husband may not want to listen or talk to you about this but that doesn’t mean you can’t start the divorce process. This is YOUR life - make it better! 💐