solution to disrupted family life and violent child

[jclm]

NC

Can anyone see a solution to our family problems? We are so overwhelmed that we cannot see any solutions.

I have been married for 10 years and we have two children. Our youngest (aged 8) is a disabled child with autism and other difficulties. My son's challenges have a big knock-on effect on the whole family, especially our 10 year old daughter. His violent meltdowns make family life intolerable. We need two adults to control our son, inside and outside the house, safely. My daughter is seeing his violence towards me and husband, and she is having nightmares.

We do have some social services support but this has ceased during the lockdowns. School will probably be shut in January and our other childcare has been cancelled. We have no family nearby, and no real friends. I wfh (full time) and my husband took early retirement.

I love my husband but we are in a sexless relationship (not my choice) so not sure what our long-term future is. How would we care for our son if there is only one adult in the house? He is getting bigger and stronger. My fear is he will one day kill me.

I have a fantasy of taking my daughter and living away from my husband and son. Together, me and my daughter would be so happy and life would be calm.

I should probably find childcare/virtual childcare, find a counsellor for me and daughter (though husband is reluctant to participate)...

Has anyone been in this situation of splitting siblings up due to disability/violence?

I’m really sorry but I have no experience or knowledge of the realities of having a disabled DC.
So I’m just going to ask some probably very naive questions as I try to put myself in your shoes.

Do you feel that home is the best place for your DS? Would it be appropriate and possible to seek residential care for him? Would it mean he would be more unhappy? Does he benefit from being at home? Perhaps respite care in the first instance?

Sounds like your poor DS is having a hugely negative impact on you and your DD (? And DH) ..... so looking at your family as a whole, what are the options?

You sound absolutely exhausted and clearly need some support and a break.

I was going to say what PP said. Is DS at a Special School? If so can you talk to them about what your options would be if you wanted a weekly residential placement for DS? There are some lovely residential schools and he might really benefit from the waking day curriculum.

If you haven't done so, it might be worth looking at the Non-Violent Resistance programme for families. It gives you a way of feeling more in control of yourself in a violent scenario.

My fear is he will one day kill me

OP that leapt out at me. It won't be easy, but I would push for more Social Services engagement and think about residential care for your son asap, as the best thing for all of you (him included).

The National Autism Society have a helpline and might be able to offer support and advice.

That sounds so difficult op.

Realistically would it be safer and better for all of you if he went to a residential school during the week then just home at weekends?

Hi OP I have been dealing with violence though not on the scale you are and my DS is much younger. What support have you had? Do you have local autism support services? Have you done any courses on managing violent behaviour? They should be available via your local authority, or via a charity. You may be able to manage your son's behaviour and reduce the violence with the right support, apologies if you gave already been round that track. The support I have had has really helped.

Sorry just to be clear the support I have had is not from social services, it has been through my son's school and also a local charity which is funded by the education service I think.

I am so sorry to hear this and don’t have much advice. My DD also has violent episodes with us and this year we said enough is enough and made the painful decision to call the police every time. We have named it as Domestic Violence even tho it’s child to adult. We had to set the boundary of safety in the home for us and all our children. It may also help speed up/prioritise you to access the family support you need.

Hello,
I've not long left the family home due to violence from DSS. Got to a point after 7 years where I finally realised that he was going to kill me one day. I took my 3 DC with me and have never looked back. I will feel guilt forever that I couldn't help him, but I wasn't willing to throw us all under the bus to pander to his behaviour any more. Very minimal support from school, CSC, CAMHS, etc. The most practical and genuine support I've had has been from the housing association. My ex DP (his dad) seems to be managing him well so far, but I suspect this is more down to him now having Daddy's absolutely full attention and the massive issues he has will show themselves again very soon, either way I cannot describe the relief of knowing I won't have anymore broken bones or black eyes or stab wounds. And that my children no longer need to have a safety plan in case Mummy is knocked unconscious again. It's never just about one child, it's about the family in it's entirety, something I think the 'supportive' services fail to acknowledge. My DC still have nightmares about him. It's a taboo area with very little resources available and you have to fight for any help which in reality is probably futile anyway. Best of luck, but I think as awful as it sounds, this situation cannot be maintained.

I am so sorry you are having this situation.

What stood out for me is that your daughter is having nightmares about the violent meltdowns. That could become complex PTSD. She needs support -- perhaps through Autism society supports for siblings.

It is so hard you have no family to help and you have lost your supports.

I have seen families split up over these types of situations. One family the son went to live with dad and the girls with their mother because the teen boy's behaviour was making the whole family suffer and I guess they couldn't 'fix' it.

I myself am separated (XH is a narc) and we have DCs on the spectrum. And they had violent meltdowns when they were younger. They are much better now but it has been a VERY LONG ROAD and I think the stress took years off my life, no joke. My youngest now channels his energy into fitness (although his gym is closed now thanks fucking covid) and the older one kind of 'grew out' of his meltdowns.

I, however, am now very proficient with repairing walls and replacing doors, lol (always a silver lining, eh?)

Maybe you will find your son grows out of his meltdowns eventually (and with help). You never know.

Anyways, thought I would comment as I know who terribly lonely your situation is.

Sorry if this is all things you've already tried....
Has your DS seen a psychologist or psychiatrist? Probably the later more importantly. There are medications that can help reduce agression. There are also behaviour management strategies that can help to reduce escalation. Sorry if you've done all this. Is there any suggestion he might have ADHD? Or ODD(Oppositional Defiance Disorder) or ASD or sensory issues. Worth a Google and a read through the symptoms of these disorders if he hasn't previously seen a good psychologist or developmental paediatrican who specialises in child behavioural issues.
This article is about use of medication for violence comorbid with ASD, but same would apply for violent behaviour from another cause www.google.com/amp/s/childmind.org/article/autism-and-medication/amp/
There's lots of information out their on medications that might help..

He might also have sensory issues effecting him. If he's OK at school but not at home that doesn't mean he's not struggling with a behavioural disorder. Often children meltdown at home, in their safe place and spend all their coping ability on getting through school or other outside activities.

All my boys have either Adhd or are Autistic or both. The younger 2 have both gone through periods of agressive behaviour. They've both put their hands round my neck and squeezed tight enough for me to feel chocked, our middle boy spent 2 years regularly smashing himself into me and into the walls, headfirst. He's very strong. He'd hit and kick me, headbutt my belly when I was pregnant it really hurt. Both the younger boys hurt each other often. It's not common, but not unusual for ADHD/ASD/ODD to be comorbid with anger issues and violent behaviour. The book The Explosive Child by Ross Greene might be worth reading.

I don't know how you access support and diagnosis in the UK. Here I'd start with a good gp and talking to school psychologist. Make it very clear how bad the situation is and how much it is traumatising your daughter and both of his parents. Graphic explanations of exactly what he is doing. Talk about the worst days, talk about how it needs two adults to control him, how you're afraid he'll kill you.

There is a real taboo around violence from children that can make it almost impossible to be heard. I know a few people dealing with that from my ASD and ADHD support groups, it's the same in my country. If you have Facebook their is probably a good national if not local support groups for parents of Autistic children or children with ADHD/ODD. They can be a wealth of knowledge and support. Again sorry if this is all things you've done, I know how frustrating that can be.

I do have experience of this with one child in residential care and one at home but also at risk of going into care for aggression and violence.

I think your suggestion of separating the children is worth a try. Exh and I discussed it but he wasn’t committed to it and it might have helped in the short term but not as a sustainable solution.

If you can afford two residences, maybe DS could stay in current house because of less disruption and you could take turns being with him. Would you feel confident to care for him on your own? I expect your DH wouldn't want to not see his daughter and always be responsible for his son. I don't think it'd be a long term solution, but it would give some breathing space to seek help or to find a long term placement for him.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is very painful to read. We are in a similar but much less extreme situation... and sadly it has impacted my health which has made everything harder. Have considered two residences (could do it...) but I am moving towards working out who to 'save' longer term. My marriage is under severe strain as is the second child. I am now committed to residential if things don't improve by the end of the year.

@sosotired1

Sounds like we are in similar places - can I ask what is the residentials?

My nephew was very much like this and his sister was very much in danger. It took a while but in the end he had to go into residential care where he has now been for some years. He also is on medication. He has had some violent outbursts but in the whole he is managed .

I only looked after him once when he was 12 . It was terrifying . So strong and when he had an episode we just could not help him at all .

I think you should consider taking your daughter and leaving your son in the care of his father. What’s the point in ruining you girls childhood for the sake of your son ? Two of you may aswell be happy. Don’t feel guilty you are doing it for your daughter and your husband would get loads more help and respite as a single father.

Have you got a multisystemic therapy service near you? It might be worth googling them they are really good and run through the council so no charge.

I used to work in residential placements with children like your son and the care offered was amazing so I would third the votes thinking you should look into this.. and push push push social services..say it is now at the point that you will be leaving the family home.