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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really freaking out

18 replies

Holdmydominos · 31/12/2020 02:12

I’m 29 next week and have been single for a really long time - have dated a lot and had a few months-long relationships but nothing has stuck yet. It has made me paranoid tbh - told I’m attractive etc, have lots of friends, a good listener and decent company - I think! 😅 But feel like a complete weirdo tbh and a bit gutted and like I’ve lost my dating confidence right now

I have a really full on job and have just had a massive panic that I only really have a few months to find someone if indeed we have time to get to know each other, have fun and then ultimately do the whole marriage and babies thing - which I do really want, but ultimately want to meet the right guy.

I feel like this will be hard enough in itself but full on job will make things hard as often finish late at night and also really want to prove myself as will be working with a new team.

I’m really scared!! For some reason I’ve been going through life merrily these past few years not really clocking that I only have about ten years of fertility left and I’m absolutely shitting myself - I have so many other personal and professional goals that I was focusing on (some less successfully than others) and now I’m absolutely freaking out I’ll never meet the right guy and settle down!

Covid has really hit home that despite an amazing and close knit circle of friends, I do want to meet the right guy and have fun, and has been incredibly lonely and isolating really as I’m sure it has for many.

Please help. I was working so hard at uni and on further qualifications for so long (uo until this year actually and at the expense of everything else) and was hoping that 29/30 o could have fun, go on hols, go a bit wild and meet people (Covid permitting) as I was way too shy and reserved in my early 20s to enjoy that and now feel completely blind sided and scared that actually I need to take the dating really seriously or a family will never happen for me :(

Most of my friends are a year or two younger, the majority are single altho some are coupled up and we never really discuss these things.

OP posts:

AboutACat · 31/12/2020 02:26

I’m confused. Why do you only have a few months to meet someone?

DrizzleandDamp · 31/12/2020 02:28

Are you dying?

Original poster

Holdmydominos · 31/12/2020 02:31

No not dying! Sorry I appreciate I’m overreacting a lot probably. More because in the sense that given that I’ve never had a long term relationship before, whos to say it will happen. And a few months because realistically if we want to spend time together for a few years then it takes a while to TTC, then obviously the fact that I’m not sure when fertility drops or even if I’ll be able to conceive, I feel like it doesn’t give that much time at all

OP posts:

DrizzleandDamp · 31/12/2020 02:33

Just a bit 😂 you’re turning 30 not 50 you have time! A proper job may actually level you and throw you into more circles where you may meet the one!

MLMsuperfan · 31/12/2020 02:35

You've got much more time than you think. Sounds like covid has put you in a bad place mentally.

DressingGownofDoom · 31/12/2020 02:38

The thing is when you're in your twenties you might be with your partner for 5 or 10 years before having kids. But when you're older and with someone older, you're probably both more ready to settle down and start a family within a couple of years rather than the endless waiting earlier in life.

AboutACat · 31/12/2020 02:41

Have you been watching the episode of Friends where Rachel turns 30?

FestiveStuffing · 31/12/2020 02:45

If it helps, it doesn't always take a while to TTC. First time both times here.

anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 31/12/2020 02:59

OP I get it. I was fast approaching my 30th and single and probably had similar thoughts in the deep dark depths of the night.

I had no single friends, no one to go out with so I could meet people and was alone after a terrible abusive relationship. Doing the awful online dating thing. I met my DH not long before my 30th, married at 34 and we didn't have our DD until I was 36. You've got time. Lots and lots more time!

Take a chance on some people online. I didn't click with my DH through our messages but I figured that all the men I met who I "clicked" with in messages were total tools when I actually met them in person. When I physically met my DH the attraction was instant and I'd have overlooked him because he didn't come across particularly well on emails and texts due to his nervousness

Sunflower1970 · 31/12/2020 03:01

I think your million miles an hour thoughts jump off the page. Think you need to calm down and relax - the fact you titled your post ‘Really freakin out’ makes me wonder if you are wearing out your boyfriends??? Just saying x

FestiveStuffing · 31/12/2020 03:13

Think you need to calm down and relax - the fact you titled your post ‘Really freakin out’ makes me wonder if you are wearing out your boyfriends???

If she's wearing them out they're not right for her. If this is her personality, rather than just a momentary panic, sure she could mask it. However, it'd definitely come out later on and the relationship may then break down. Better to be honest about who you are from the start and find someone who is OK with that.

lovelemoncurd · 31/12/2020 03:35

I met my DH at 30. Had two children at 33 and 38. Life can change in an instant.

Hawkins001 · 31/12/2020 03:41

I must admit I'm in a similar boat, for me it's being able to trust, have some intrigues and some different ones, then getting too know each other, they are the main things that are limiting a potential relationship at the moment for me, mainly because I want us to be as compatible as possible and also for me to know the person's ideas. Views, personalities ect before settling, but at the same time the click is ticking.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 31/12/2020 03:49

First of all, calm down because you are completely normal. I'm 30 and more of my friends are single than not. Most of the ones who are married with kids are people who I have met through mum's groups, and they mostly say the same thing as me - most of their friends don't have kids.

Secondly, have you tried OLD? I know it gets a bad time on MN but it's how I met my husband. We both had extremely busy jobs and had no time to meet people IRL, other than through our work, and neither of us wanted to mix professional and personal life. So we both turned to OLD. I did have a reasonable amount of bad dates, but I also had a lot of fun ones!

AmandaHugenkiss · 31/12/2020 07:44

OP I was 36 when I met my partner. You’ve got time! We met on tinder, and as per previous poster I might have not met up with him early on as his messages didn’t click as much. He was so lovely and attractive in person. I also had to wade through a fair few pillocks first but it was worth it. Don’t panic! You’ve got time.

Wanderlusto · 31/12/2020 08:54

Pft, you can have kids right up to the menopause. I don't understand why so many women freak out in their thirties lol. But tbh, I'd treat a child as an interesting twist in a relationship, not the reason for it. If you go into dating thinking it's just for marriage and kids then you might settle for the wrong person. Not to mention, sometimes we just have to be single for a time because we need it or because there are no suitable matches currently.

Take the pressure off yourself. And hit that travel partying next year when the ban lifts! Life is too short to stress over things that may or may not happen. If it's meant to be it will and if not, you'll find alternatives as and when.

Dozer · 31/12/2020 08:57

You have time!

Working v long hours will often negatively affect your social life, including dating, and health. I ‘burnt out’ in my twenties and struggled with dating due to working v long hours. Consciously made changes at work and it made a big difference.

Hailtomyteeth · 31/12/2020 09:43

I thought I was confused, reading your opening post, but now I realise that it's not me, OP, it's you.

You are confused.

Let Grandma clarify a few things.

Thirty is not what it was. You don't have to have found the right man, finished your education, started your career, climbed Everest or started breeding by thirty. This is the 21st century. You can take your time.

Even busy people with big careers find partners. Keep your eyes open at work, there might be someone with similar values hoping a decent woman will come and find them. Remind your friends to point any suitable single men in your direction. Get out and about as much as you can and when stuck indoors, be online. Meet many people to give yourself the best chance of finding someone special.

Even when you are scared, push that little bit further. Smile at the attractive man. Men. There are plenty of them.

Enjoy every moment and don't hang your hopes of happiness on finding a partner.

Keep us posted. It's going to be great.

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