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Original poster

Why lie about this.

21 replies

Allinalljustbricksinthewall · 30/12/2020 22:48

Namechanged.

So abit of background. I have quite bad anxiety and paranoia. My ex lied to me all the time and in the end I had to go. We have a little boy together who has been staying with him over the past few days. (He has temporarily moved in with his patents) Anyway he has been spending time with another woman who has children of her own, hes swore on our sons life nothing has gone on between them that they are just friends. Ive asked that for the time being I dont want him to introduce our son to her and he gave me his word, However hes lied to me about this and they have spent days together. Ive told him he has no reason to lie to me, that we are over.
When he took our son to spend a few days with him he said he was going to buy hin sone wellies to play in the snow...later on I asked if had bought some and he had sent a picture of him wearing the same wellies his ‘new womans’ kid has. I asked where were they from they look worn and farmiliar and he mentioned a shop he got them from and that they are the same as OW sons.
Anyway I knew for a fact he didnt get them from the shop he mentioned and they were infact from a different shop. He was adament they wernt and that they were our sons wellies, as he wouldnt let his sone wear other childrens wellies or shoes.

Anyway he brings him home tonight and usually when he does he brings along all his clothes, shoes toys everything. But obviously the wellies wernt there!!

Why would he lie about it! I know this sounds petty and trust me its just the tip of the iceberg, as I said i am a paranoid person and I question and overthink everything. (Im starting CBT next week to help)

OP posts:
Original poster
Allinalljustbricksinthewall · 30/12/2020 22:51

Oh and I asked my little boy what had he done at daddies and he said he played in the snow, I have R wellies and he has pink ones.

OP posts:
Pegsonstrings · 30/12/2020 23:03

I get why you feel yet again you are being lied to. But you are given so much energy into the wellies and who they are from. You have clearly done great detective work to find out the wellies belong to that womans child. But I am surprised that you are surprised that he has lied to you again seeing he has form.

I understand the reaction though, I would be fuming but I would not give the ex so much power over how you feel. Yes your ex should wait before skipping into the sunset with your child with this new woman, but he clearly is not able to string a sentence together without fibbing and before the sun sets this woman will probably see those lies flowing through their relationship too. Been there and done that.

What do you want to happen here?

Miffyliffy · 30/12/2020 23:09

It sounds to me like you really haven't moved on from him.

He's telling lies to you because he's moved on and it's obvious you haven't and if he tells the truth you'll lose your shit by the sounds of it.

Honestly. You need to move on.

Swearing on the son's life etc.... This is all so childish.

They probably aren't just friends, he has a right to move on with his life as do you.

Original poster
Allinalljustbricksinthewall · 30/12/2020 23:13

Thanks for your reply. Im very much up and down with emotions. I know for sure that at the time I walked away I made the right decision. But my anxiety and overthinking makes me question myself, was he telling the truth? Was it just me being the way I am and he felt he needed to lie to not hurt me or cause me to overthink. I dont think im in love with him anymore, When he comes to pick up son or drop off I dont feel anything. Im grieving the family unit I think and it hurts that he has jumped straight into another with this woman. I hope that this lady sees him for what he is sooner than I did, but then I think....well maybe he wont be the same with her. Hes 34 so hes had a long time to grow out of this habit of lying. He has basically stopped communing with me other than when its about our son, yet last night he told me he missed me and loves me.( he was slightly drunk) He wanted us to talk tonight after he propped ds off but it never happend, he said he had ti pick his mum up from work. He stayed for a brew then left. Not texted since. Dont get men!

OP posts:
Sunflower1970 · 31/12/2020 03:30

He’s a liar. You did the right thing. Times to look elsewhere to build a new family unit

borntohula · 31/12/2020 03:33

You can't dictate who he introduces your child to really.

AmywithanL · 31/12/2020 17:32

Just forget about him. You did the right thing by leaving, you would have never been happy. Just focus on you and your Son.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 31/12/2020 17:40

He lied because he’s a liar. It’s like that story about the frog and the scorpion.

Stop letting him in for a brew and expecting texts from him about anything other than arrangements for your DC.

Also stop having expectations and agreements about who can do what on their own time. You have no right to dictate to whom and when he introduces his DC, any more than he has a right to dictate to you what you choose to do with them on your days. Which is a good thing, believe me. You know it would only work one way - in fact you’ve seen it already. You’ll be sticking the agreement, he’ll be lying to you about it and you’ll end up doing detective work to find out the truth. What an awful way to live.

Step away, emotionally, physically, cut ties. You’re not together for a reason. That reason hasn’t changed. You say he’s moved on, but you’re clearly holding out for him changing his mind here. Which means he’s lying and stringing along some other woman. What a prince.

You deserve better and your DC deserve the chance of a drama-free home life instead of being quizzed about wellies.

Skyla2005 · 31/12/2020 17:47

I don’t think the wellies really matter. You know his a liar and you just need to move on from him. Don’t be having cups of tea with him. Be civil for that sake of your boy but leave it at that. Don’t overthink the small stuff as long as he is caring for your boy properly then don’t worry. Build a new life for you and your boy and try and keep that separate from him. Good luck

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2020 17:53

Op, I think you just need to move on. The sad truth is it’s not your place to dictate when he can introduce partners to your son. He is an equal parent and gets to make that decision. He doesn’t need your approval or permission.

You need to start to focus on you and the co parenting and not stressing about his relationships and who he introduces your son to. The best you can do is ask to know.

If you continue to put rules in place. Then he will continue to lie to you and do as he pleases. So stop putting rules in you don’t have the right to put in.

Original poster
Allinalljustbricksinthewall · 31/12/2020 19:28

Thank you all for your comments. I do need to move on your right. Ive always known him to be a liar, it took me 7 years to realise he was never going to change.

I dont have feelings for him what so ever, I invite him in for a brew just to be nice 🤷🏼‍♀️

Il stop doing that now though and just communicate about our son.

I didnt message him today and he asked if I was OK. Said yeah in good. And he said ok, good well have a good day. And ive left it at that.
Im not going to completely ghost him, that will just cause drama but il limit what I reply to and my words. Thank you everyone x

OP posts:
category12 · 31/12/2020 19:42

You need to disengage emotionally and stop trying to control what he does with your son in his contact time, as you can't and it just stresses you out and gives him the opportunity to lie to you again.

Limit contact you have with him and keep it to the practicalities.

If he's not a danger to your ds, then you just have to let him get on with it. He might do things you disapprove of, but you can't control that.

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 21:37

OP with the best will in the world... you still care to a degree... and that's only natural, he's the father of your child.. it's also natural to be concerned about who your ex shares the company of when the child is with him... but as others have expressed.. it's his time and unless there is a danger or risk involved... there's really not a lot you can do...

Try telling your ex again... that his lying has caused you unnecessary concern.. he should just be honest and stop being a twat.. because your child will tell you at some point... and he really shouldn't need to lie...

You need to try to enjoy your free time OP... relax and do something for you that you enjoy doing Flowers

Eckhart · 31/12/2020 21:41

He lied again. The end.

category12 · 31/12/2020 21:56

Try telling your ex again... that his lying has caused you unnecessary concern.. he should just be honest and stop being a twat.. because your child will tell you at some point... and he really shouldn't need to lie...

I wouldn't say that, especially about your child - otherwise he will start teaching your child to keep secrets or lie to mummy about what goes on. You need to really try to avoid a scenario where your child is going to be in the middle of saying things to mummy that make her mad with daddy, or where daddy is saying "don't tell mummy!"

Also, a liar like this will not stop if you tell them they can just be honest or whatever - it's inbuilt, he does it for deeply engrained reasons, he does it like breathing.

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 23:03

I wouldn't say that, especially about your child - otherwise he will start teaching your child to keep secrets or lie to mummy about what goes on. You need to really try to avoid a scenario where your child is going to be in the middle of saying things to mummy that make her mad with daddy, or where daddy is saying "don't tell mummy!"

this is actually my point... he is already lying... so he must be telling his child to lie ... it needs to stop ... 🌺

category12 · 31/12/2020 23:04

Yes, but telling him won't stop it. Op's got to change the way she reacts to him, as he won't change. She will have already had those kind of conversations with him a million times before they split up.

AmywithanL · 31/12/2020 23:36

I have had those conversations with him. My son is 3 and has told me who he was with. But Ive bot told my ex ‘son told me this or that’ I just asked politely he hold off introducing him to her. Hes said he will I know its bullshit and I know there is nothing I can do about it. All that matters is I know my son is safe, although I am worried that my ex likes a drink and he has a few cans every night, he needs to to socialise. And he does drink drive so thats a worry. But I cant tell him not to with son in the car cause he will just say How stupid do you think I am? Then do it anyway

BlueThistles · 31/12/2020 23:39

If you ever believe he's drink driving with your child in that car.. hit 999 🌺

WestSideBoom · 31/12/2020 23:45

You shouldn't know what wellies some woman's child has got. He can buy wellies from wherever he likes and he doesn't need to tell you where he got them or where he didn't get them. If the other parent of my chops was cross examining me about wellies then I would feel annoyed and like there was no right answer. You were trying to trip him up.

famousforwrongreason · 01/01/2021 02:30

Anxiety is a bitch. Don't waste your time or energy on people who make you feel anxious. You will eventually detach from him and by next new years you won't give a shit who he's seeing or whose wellies your son is wearing. Sending hugs

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