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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tell me about your happy relationship?

3 replies

FlowerPower25 · 30/12/2020 22:07

Trying to work out whether my marriage is normal and I should suck it up and get on with it, or whether life can be better! Please tell me about your happy relationship and what makes it work for you? Bonus points if you've been in a bad place and found something that helped you get through it!

For context - together since we were 19, married 6 years with 2yo DS. DH is not English, so we have lots of tension about cultural stuff he claims not to understand (today's example - 2 Oreos is not a suitable lunch for a toddler 🙄) he has a history of mental health issues which meant I 'led' for many years (income, organising house, making decisions etc) though these are now mainly under control.

He is a lovely father - great fun, and our boy adores him. But I don't! I don't find him attractive, and we are rarely intimate. He can be good company, but he grates me most of the time. I am much more career-driven, and make significantly more than him - this causes him to feel worthless. In reality, I don't care what he makes but can't stand the moping and lack of confidence! He is also very passive (no hobbies, friends, drive to 'do' anything, from plan a holiday to DIY). We bicker constantly, and have big arguments most months.

TLDR: is there any fix to not particularly liking your husband, even if he's a very good guy?!

OP posts:
LouJ85 · 30/12/2020 22:19

TLDR: is there any fix to not particularly liking your husband, even if he's a very good guy?!

I'm not sure that there is. Not liking someone fundamentally for who they are as a person isn't a great basis to try to salvage an intimate relationship. Even for basic friendship with someone a starting point would be liking them. Is there anything you like about him that makes the relationship worth salvaging?

Lady089 · 30/12/2020 22:19

Being a good father is not the same as being a good husband, this is something I have learned. He is a good Dad to our children but most of the time he is not a good husband to me and can be quite cruel. I don’t have the answers, as I’m sadly in the same boat as you!

LouJ85 · 30/12/2020 22:26

Please tell me about your happy relationship and what makes it work for you?

The key ingredients for me would be...
Honesty, openness, communication, fun and spontaneity, passion and intimacy, and compromise. Compromise in particular is something we've had to work hard at over the years and it hasn't been easy (he's better at this than I am). Communication sometimes falls down between us (I'm better at this than he is) - but we're loads better than we were.

But I'm not sure my list helps you or really applies? Because you say you don't like your husband. Which to me is so fundamental that the other stuff isn't really possible? If that makes sense ...

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