I don't know whether to leave, or even if I can

[hauntedhomestheseries]

I have been thinking that things may be coming to an end with me and my boyfriend.

There is an age gap between us, I'm 25, he's 35. We've been together three and a bit years. It's all a very long story and there are many, many plus points to our relationship. He is a very kind, loving, caring, funny, thoughtful man and I really thought we were perfect for each other. But the last year has killed us a bit. Here are the problems:

• he's very depressed, has no hope for the future, probably bipolar, but will no longer try to improve his mental health. To his credit he has tried everything over the years.
• age gap, he feels old and that his best years are behind him, he reminisces a lot
• I don't like the contact he has/had with his ex, I may have been a rebound, he says I wasn't
• we sleep in separate rooms due to his snoring which he won't try to treat
• as a part of his hopelessness about the future, over the last few months he has changed his mind and says he probably doesn't want kids. He did pre-COVID
• he doesn't think marriage is important
• I feel like he won't commit and he's puts off big things, eg, buying a house
• we barely have sex and now it is maybe every 3 weeks only when we are drunk. He is asexual and I believed I was at one point but we used to have a lot more sex. He has said the reasons he is not in the mood anymore is a fear of getting me pregnant.
• he has lied about things, eg. who/whether he is messaging, what he ate for breakfast, I found condoms in his pocket which he tried to justify in a number of ways.

I don't think I want to be with him forever now. The lying in particular and the changing his mind about children is the key thing. I don't think he is having an affair, but he knows I am less trustful of him and we have had arguments about this

But the biggest issue I have is that I can't rent somewhere else alone because of my low wage, but I can't move into a share house without giving up my pet rabbits and guinea pigs. They need a garden/run/hutches and let's face it, landlords are not likely to allow it.

I love him very much, I really do. And I want it to work but COVID has put such a strain on us that I don't think we can go back. I also don't think I make him happy anymore, and that he is better suited to someone else. I want him to be happy too.

This is my first relationship and I am slowly realising I am quite naïve and clueless.

You are 25. Plenty of time for marriage and babies.You can still be a friend to this man, just not his girlfriend. Don't settle for an asexual man with chronic depression. End things now. New year, new you.

Run. Flee.

Don't decide that your animals are going to be a problem. Start looking for somewhere to live and see what turns up.

Do you have any family or friends that might take in the guinea pigs and rabbits? (Would he look after them OK if you left them with him?)

The guineas would be OK with a big indoor cage if you found somewhere. Landlords tend not to be keen on cats & dogs but caged animals aren't as problematic.

You'd be a fool to stay, tbh. Get yourself out of there.

I'm sorry but I would run for the hills as fast as my size 5's could carry me. There are so many red flags here my screen is literally glowing.
You are young and inexperienced, please know that there is better, a LOT better out there for you. Start looking for it, starting with somewhere to live.

You're far too young to be tied to this crap.It won't get any better.This time next year you could be sitting there preparing to spend your first NYE with the love of your life who cannot wait to get you to bed after midnight.

As for the rabbits/pigs;they are outdoor pets,if your new digs has a garden the landlord would probably be fine with you having small pets in a pen.

Thank you everyone for your support and honesty, when I was writing this I realised none of it was looking too great.

@category12 My parents may be able to take the rabbits but they are both in their early 60s, it would be a big ask of them to care for them. But thank you it is something to consider for sure.

I have only had a quick search of accommodation and it hasn't looked too promising yet

I have low self esteem and am worried I will never find anyone else

You're only 25, you have plenty of time to find someone decent. Plenty. You've barely started out.

But you need to grow your self-esteem and raise your bar for blokes, change that mindset where you're worried about finding someone, otherwise you'll just end up with equally shit boyfriends. You need to value yourself and build some better boundaries in relationships so you're not tolerating a lot of rubbish from partners because you're afraid to be single.

So sorry to hear about your situation! Just to let you know from renting experience, it is worth asking the letting agents about outside animals, in a house I previously shared they didn't even count Guinea pigs as pets as they lived outside. Could well be the same for others!

25 is so so young. Make the break now, you re not going to see much rental accommodation now because its the end of December, properties will start to pop up in about 2 weeks. None of your practical accommodation issues are insoluble. Be brave, and start again, your future self will thank you.

Ok thank you everyone for the advice and encouragement, I know you're all correct. I am young, and I can find somewhere else without giving up my pets

Thanks again

Will the rabbits and guinea pigs be in a hutch outside? I think most landlords say no to pets because of the potential damage to the property inside.

Ring a letting agent and find out. But this is no way to live at 25. Get out of this awful relationship.

Yes, you should leave and I’m sure with time you will find alternative accommodation. Good luck, OP. Onwards and upwards.

From an old bag over here- you need to focus on yourself. You are 25 so focus on something that will make you financially independent. Study something. Get a career. Then you will have choices.
With or without covid, your relationship sounds strained. He might have mental health issues but it is up to him to sort them out. He is reminiscing at 35, you don’t have sex, he changes his mind re having kids. And you adjust to his moods. Stop that. Define what you want from your life and be strong and independent. He sounds like a dead weight to be honest.

Leave. Leave now. Don't waste anymore of your time with this person. He is not the one for you

@baskingMad thank you I will try. I think I have little reference to what most thirty five year olds are like. It has always felt like he knows more than me, or must be right somehow. I think he's actually immature and he has said as much.

I am unhappy yet in love, and feel stuck, but I'll have to make my own way as you've said. Deep down I know that's the only way forward now because this isn't working

Thank you for the comments

@LonelyBlueBauble hi, yes they are outside so perhaps that makes it easier, as opposed to having an indoor pet. Thank you!