Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me get through DP and I just split

51 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 30/12/2020 20:34

An hour ago, he has fallen out of love with me and we want different things he says. Been together 6 years and happy I thought. I'm devastated

OP posts:
Techway · 31/12/2020 06:22

Do you have children? What is his relationship history?

It is heartbreaking but he probadly isn't the man you thought he was...whilst people are entitled to leave relationships it seems shallow to do so after a few tough months.

Has he not been keen to commit?

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 31/12/2020 06:36

No children and yes, I think the commitment thing is an issue. Just had a sleepless night but am starting to get little pockets of determination if not strength. Rejection is hard and so is shock so I cant wait for this initial but to get over with

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 31/12/2020 06:37

Bit not but

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 31/12/2020 07:33

I think the thing I'm worried about the most is feeling this terrible for a number of days/weeks

OP posts:
witchofthenorth · 31/12/2020 08:26

This bit sucks but it won't be here forever. Your anger will come, anger at him, rightly or wrongly, anger at what you thought you were going to have but he has taken and anger at your position. None of that is necessarily right but it will come. The trick is to use that anger and become determined to make a future and a life for yourself without him. I know the pain you are going through just now and it is devastating, but it will pass. Remember to try and eat, little and often. Give yourself permission to cry it out but every hour abs day that passes, it will get easier.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it's such a shock...giving you a hand hold.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 31/12/2020 09:29

Thank you all so much for being a really great support through a terrible night. Waiting for my sister now and sure I will cry all day but I will start putting myself back together piece by tiny piece

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 31/12/2020 12:21

How are you doing today? I hope your sister brings you some comfort. I've gone to my DM's and step Dad's and they're being fantastic.

Like you, I can't see my future without him but I've got no choice it's not what he wants.

We will get through this

Newwayofthinking · 31/12/2020 12:26

When it is so sudden without discussion, then usually there is another women in the wings.

She has made him reevaluate his life and he has had his head turned.

0606len · 31/12/2020 12:35

Your thoughts affect your feelings which affect your actions.
Thoughts = feelings = actions
So negative thoughts make you feel awful and lead you to take bad actions.
You’re thinking your life is terrible now, making you feel terrible and act like your world is over. It’s not.
Think it has done you a favour, that it’s a relief, that you have an opportunity now, you’ll start to feel better and it will show in your actions.
Why waste your time moping around, feeling dreadful.
Think yourself better, keep repeating to yourself you’re worth so much more.
Fake it til you make it if you have to.
Positive thoughts will override any negative ones.
Good luck. Get out and enjoy your life x

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 31/12/2020 12:59

I think its the possibility of another woman, but thsts definitely an interesting thought. I really want to get out there and feel better but feel bereft. My house is opposite a park and every couple in there makes me think of him with someone else in s few months

OP posts:
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 01/01/2021 04:24

How are you doing whenisnapped?

I finally had some sleep (fell asleep at 9pm)
Had a full meltdown yesterday when he took his stuff then collapsed to sleep. Feeling a bit more coherent now (even though its 4 am) still feel sick and sad but a bit of sleep has definitely shored me up a bit

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 01/01/2021 04:50

I’m sorry that you had to endure that, Crochet. I hope he is showing some empathy.

JamieLeesCurtains · 01/01/2021 04:57

I'm so sorry, @crochetmonkey74. Unfortunately I think a lot of us have been through similar at some point in our rich and complex lives on the way to something better. The road is littered with all that hurty shit.

It really will get better day by day.

Veronika13 · 01/01/2021 06:54

Sounds extremely painfully, I really feel for you :( you don’t deserve this. Please don’t think of next week or month, just take hour by hour.
As hard as it is, push every thought of him with someone else - AWAY. Because we don’t really know what will happen in the future, he might be single for years. So please try not to think of what will be.
Be kind to yourself, have sweet tea if you can’t stomach anything. Rely on support of your sister and friends as much as possible, hug them hard and sob on their shoulder as needed. Now is the worst time, it will get better little by little so remember to focus on that. Abs breathe deeply - I know it sounds obvious but in a state of shock we tend to forget to.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 01/01/2021 07:19

Already I am having some small pockets of ' actually when I think of it, this wasnt quite right'
They are very small and then washed away by bigger more bleak feelings of loneliness, abandonment and apathy but they are there in little glimmers

OP posts:
dinglethedragon · 01/01/2021 08:01

Hold onto the glimmers - they will seriously get so much bigger! I'm exactly 10yrs on from my exH leaving, as time passed I began to see that the relationship needed to end - he just got there before I did - and I am so much happier now.

I've chosen not to look for another relationship because my life is simple, fulfilling and busy. I'm happy. Yes, like you I see couples and get a bit sad sometimes - one friend just celebrated her 37th wedding anniversary and I did wish I'd had a marriage like that - but I didn't - the reality is I would be so much less happy if I were still with my ex - but it took time for me to see that.

Being alone is my choice, but a family member my age (60's) who had a bitter split with her dh at the same time is now with a lovely man for about 4-5yrs and is very happy, I've just been "liking" their NYE posts on FB.

Life is about to get a lot better. Seize the day Grin

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 01/01/2021 10:19

dingle that last sentence has made me well up. I really really hope things are going to get better, I'm terrified of feeling like this continually for weeks

OP posts:
Thehop · 01/01/2021 10:30

It really will get better OP. Every day you’re closer than the day before to feeling more positive. Keep going, you’ve got this xx

complimint · 01/01/2021 10:42

I'm so sorry . I know that pain and wish you the best x

TheWindowDonkey · 01/01/2021 10:42

‘That's what I am worried about im 46 and cant see how I will start again‘

You will manage, because now you have 46 years of wisdom and life experience to help you navigate a new path. I’m around this age and my decades long marriage ended in the last year. Its not easy, but it IS manageable...and Ive also met someone new. Your life is out there waiting for you, but its YOUR life, not that attached to someone elses needs and desires but your own. I’d recommend starting there. What do you want your life to look like, aside from him?

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 01/01/2021 21:42

Have spent the day crying to friends but also starting, just starting to shore up a bit of hope for the future. Got some excellent tips from friends about the worry I have about not sleeping and made a few changes to the bedroom to make it mine not ours. I cannot tell you how much support this thread has been, I am also really lucky to have RL support , and have been overwhelmed by everyone wanting to scoop me up and look after me. Still having lots of crying and shaking moments but the initial shock is at least passing

OP posts:
Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 01/01/2021 22:00

You sound like a strong woman OP, bending but not breaking - you will be more than OK.

DrDolittlesParrot · 01/01/2021 22:41

@crochetmonkey74 I hope rearranging things in your bedroom helps. I'm not sleeping well either, my minds starts churning through everything and I can't switch off. Nothing really to rearrange or change as he didn't live here, although stayed over lots. I've always struggled to get to sleep because of my overactive mind. It's just worse than usual. Do you know what is stopping you sleeping? Have you tried downloading sleep casts? I quite like Headspace Rainy Day Antiques and it's free.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 01/01/2021 23:06

[quote DrDolittlesParrot]@crochetmonkey74 I hope rearranging things in your bedroom helps. I'm not sleeping well either, my minds starts churning through everything and I can't switch off. Nothing really to rearrange or change as he didn't live here, although stayed over lots. I've always struggled to get to sleep because of my overactive mind. It's just worse than usual. Do you know what is stopping you sleeping? Have you tried downloading sleep casts? I quite like Headspace Rainy Day Antiques and it's free.[/quote]
I’ve never heard of sleep casts, I will investigate

Think I’m building it up too much in my head, I just feel so fearful of feeling awful, think it’s a reaction to this year, I have no resilience left!

OP posts:
DrDolittlesParrot · 01/01/2021 23:16

Yes I understand that. Do you practice mindfulness? I find it works quite well. You acknowledge the thoughts that enter your mind but don't dwell on them. I need to do this again too. I also try to do that thing where I allot myself a time for worrying each day and at night tell myself I won't worry about it now, it's not worrying time. I also write down everything that's in my head last thing at night so I don't dwell on it, but have made a note of it all for the next day. Sorry if this is all stuff you've tried, just trying to think what has helped in the past. Hope you can sleep.