How to cope with this lockdown alone when I had a partner before?

[flowersrain]

My boyfriend broke up with me two months ago and I am really struggling being in tier 4 and being on my own. I am 30 and live alone. My relationship was actually quite toxic, I was trauma bonded to him (I can see this now in hindsight) and we only saw each other twice a week, but in the last lockdown that gave me something to look forward to and someone to share the experience with. We actually had some nice times together during the lockdown. Now I have no one and I am really struggling with the loneliness and the prospect of this lasting indefinitely. I am WFH so i can go the whole day without speaking to an actual person or having any meaningful conversation. When the gyms were open I used to go just so I could have a brief chat with the receptionist.

All my friends are coupled up (and I will admit to feeling jealous of them because of this) and have no comprehension of my loneliness or what it's like to be on your own. I have tried to reach out to them and told them I am struggling but they are living their lives with their partners and do not seem to have time for me. I asked a friend to go for a walk with me today - she knows I have no plans this week and am not seeing anyone so could really do with some company - and she said she was on a dog walk with her bf and that when she got back she was too tired and it was too cold. I really needed her but she didn't seem to get it.

People say I should keep busy etc but no amount of working/knitting/watching tv etc is a substitute for human company. I just miss having someone to chat to about my day or to share a funny meme with.

I am doing my best to stay positive - I go for a walk each day, do home workouts, write a gratitude journal etc but nothing helps my sense of loneliness.

Of course dating is on hold now thanks to the restrictions so I don't even have the hope of meeting anyone new. How can I get through this period without losing my mind? I can feel myself slipping. The last two days I haven't got out of bed til 3pm because there has been no reason to.

You didn't give your friend much notice today. Perhaps make a plan for when it's mutually convenient.

Is there someone you can form a support bubble with, friends or family?

What activities, apart from the gym, would you be doing if we weren't locked down? Could you do something related to that online? Eg online yoga class? Join a FB group for running or cycling and meet up with 1 other person for exercise?

There's a huge and warm community online related to crafting, crochet etc.

Zoom (yeah, I know) with friends who are out of your area? In a small group if you can?

Make dates with your local friends so they've made a commitment to you.

Are you in any local aid/ community action groups? There are bound to be people locally who need your help and you may get to know neighbours?

Can you bubble with another household?

@Orf1abc

You didn't give your friend much notice today. Perhaps make a plan for when it's mutually convenient.

Is there someone you can form a support bubble with, friends or family?

Second this. It's never healthy to have just one person to depend on anyway, grow your support network and nurture other relationships, including with family.

Also be aware that if you neglected making proper time to see your friends when you did have a boyfriend, it's very unlikely they'll be rushing to make you a priority now because they know you're only reaching out because you haven't got a boyfriend. Not saying you've done this, but I've seen it before where women make a boyfriend their absolute priority and when that relationship inevitably breaks down, self-centredly start expecting friends to pick up the slack. Well no, of course they won't, since you treated them shoddily, didn't bother to make them a priority before and neglected the friendship.

I did not neglect my friends at all when I was in my relationship - I only saw my ex twice a week so there was plenty of time to see them. I don't know what has changed and why they are so reluctant to see me now, apart from the fact that they all seem very caught up in their relationships. They barely even message me these days. I have asked in advance to meet up with them and they are invariably otherwise occupied with their partners. They supported me through the initial break up and I suppose they are sick of me now?

I do zoom stuff with people I have met online through shared interest groups but it always leaves me feeling lacking - it's not the same as real life, conversation doesn't flow naturally because you can't necessarily always hear the other person, you can't interject etc.

I am going to form a support bubble with my parents but it's not really the same as having interaction with people my own age. And i feel embarrassed to have to rely on them at my age. They care about me because they have to as my parents. I don't seem to have anyone who cares about me because they want to.

I'm also really struggling with the idea of NYE alone - last year I spent it with my ex, and I can't help but think of all my friends buying nice food to have with their partners and celebrating it together.

OP, since you're saying that they actually supported you in the initial break up but seem to have changed now, I suspect they always saw he was a toxic person and are wondering why you miss him so much. It can be very tiring supporting someone who continues pining after/talking about an ex who treated them badly, and having to hear about their misery, when they refuse to see they're in a much better position now without the toxic person on the scene.
I'm not saying this to be horrible, but I think you need to put yourself in your friends' shoes. It sounds like they may have actually been good friends and have tried to support and maybe have struggles they're dealing with that you're not aware of.

I think it's also interesting you mention dating/finding someone new is on hold now due to restrictions. Perhaps use this time for therapy, and explore whether you're a co-deoendent person? It's a hard time to be single but would be a useful time to get used to not needing a boyfriend, and breaking unhealthy attachments so you don't repeat the cycle of falling for a toxic person again.

It's tough, OP, and the NYE alone normally would be especially tough - first one for me on my own, but this year at least you can feel better as so many people will have no parties / be alone if they live alone - but it really is just on night and you can spend it with parents if you want to.
I know you can't have proper dates right now, but maybe chat to people on a dating site, a nicer site where people tend to built up chatting before meeting up? It may not go anywher but you wouldn't feel so alone if you find a potential fiend or date on there.