Will I ever feel fully “in” - ambivalence in long marriage

[HaggisBurger]

I’ve posted before about my 20 yr marriage and issues with DH - previously sexless, ranty about Covid/trump/ masks, drinks a little too much pretty much every night.
At various points over the last year I’ve reached certainty over wanting to leave. We have done counselling and certain things have improved (he REALLY wants us to stay together) - so he now makes an effort to initiate sex (though doesn’t feel like true desire to me more like he knows it needs to be done). Covid ranting diminished by a factor of 100. I KNOW he’s trying.

But I guess I just feel meh about the whole thing. If pushed I’d say I’m
Fond of him, feel affection for him. But don’t love him. I find his company fairly boring & irritating other than when we’re talking about the kids. We rub along together fine at present, apart from the fact that we are all bored sh*tless by Tier 4.

I guess I am just wondering has anyone ever got through this ambivalence. I am seeing a therapist and she seems to think I will “know” at some pt the “right” thing to do. But I just feel like I will just be not fully “in” forever. Maybe that lack of being committed to the marriage is enough of a reason to go. I always feel like it’s not bad enough (and yes I’ve read that book )

Any thoughts appreciated

If a woman looked back over the last 20 years of her marriage, and thought most of it (except the kids) was a waste, and that she felt empty, disconnected, and even irritated by his company, and this had been going on for years....would that be bad enough for you? Does it need to reach abuse level before it changes? Is tolerating another person the definition of a marriage?

Thanks @EarthSight. I’m not sure I’d view the whole 20 years (apart from kids) as a waste. But I have significant regrets about not realising what my needs were when I first started living with my DH (a few years before we married).

You raise really good questions. Thank you.