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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I keep taking it personally when household members bend COVID rules when they know I'm vulnerable

22 replies

anxiousaboutcorona · 30/12/2020 14:23

I am in the clinical vulnerable group to COVID and am currently in a tier 4 area with cases at 600 per 100,000 so I have been very cautious when going out.

A member of my household goes out everyday despite us being in tier 4. Yesterday they went to four different supermarkets. They will pop out for unnecessary things such as if they fancy a particular bar of chocolate. They also seem to revel telling me how busy it was or how someone wasn't wearing a mask and was coughing, etc.

I am trying not to take it personally but for some reason I'm finding it quite hurtful. I know they are just going because they are bored but they're increasing the risk of catching COVID and I just feel frustrated that I have no control in this situation. I can be as cautious as I like but it doesn't matter as I still have to live in the same house and share a bathroom and kitchen with them.

I am trying to remind myself that they are not deliberately trying to make me ill but it just feels so reckless. I know I'm being unreasonable and controlling but I just had to vent somewhere.

OP posts:

GlowingOrb · 30/12/2020 14:26

I would take that personally too

Are you forced to live with this person? Any chance at all of moving?

TirisfalPumpkin · 30/12/2020 14:34

It would be a tad unreasonable to completely ban them from going out, but I don’t think YABU in the slightest here. Have you tried gently reminding them of your health status?

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 30/12/2020 14:41

I would be very stressed as well.

What is your relationship with this person like otherwise?

Porcupineintherough · 30/12/2020 14:48

I think you need a new household OP. The shitty sadist can move elsewhere, or you can.

MMmomDD · 30/12/2020 14:58

I think you are being unreasonable, tbh.
You make it sound like they are bending the rules and ‘going out’ - like having parties and mixing with people without social distancing.
While in reality - all they do is go to supermarkets where people are keeping their distance, and wear masks.

This lockdown is hard on all, not only you. And we all need to find ways of dealing with it.

It does seem that you both don’t like that household member and you are also quite scared for your health. So - instead of trying to shift your anxieties to them - why not take extra precautions to alleviate your fears?
Wipe surfaces before you use them? Wear gloves? Spend more time in your room?

EarthSight · 30/12/2020 15:03

I think that's awful and really selfish of them. There are some twisted people out there who do enjoy making others anxious and afraid. Why on earth would they even tell you they've been to a busy supermarket and give you all the details like that??? Either they are totally thick as well as selfish, or they're getting a kick from it.

myhobbyisouting · 30/12/2020 15:57

I wouldn't be gently reminding them of anything. If they can't protect their loved ones by simply avoiding crowded places then they can live elsewhere

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 30/12/2020 16:14

Is it a house share or family? I think if it's a house share it's a bit tricky but if its family then YANBU, everyone needs to get out the house and everyone needs treats and to eat, but no one needs to go to 4 different shops in one day for chocolate. They are putting your health at risk because they are a bit bored and thats not acceptable. Have you spoken to them about jt?

Hopeisnotastrategy · 30/12/2020 18:20

YANBU.

Original poster

anxiousaboutcorona · 30/12/2020 18:30

It is one of my parents. I completely understand that people need to go out for mental health reasons etc and I have been biting my tongue since March. However they just keep finding excuses to go out several times a day, for example today they went out to pick up a takeaway coffee and then again to buy lunch even though we have plenty of food in the house. I offered to pay for the coffee and some lunch to be delivered for them so they didn't have to go out but they declined.

I have tried speaking to them about it in a gentle way but they just don't listen and they say I can't tell them what to do and they'll do what they want.

I can't move out until I finish uni in the summer. I had planned to stay a little longer after that so I could save more but I want to move out ASAP now.

OP posts:

Sn0wFantasy932 · 30/12/2020 21:44

Even in the higher tiers the rules currently advise unlimited time for exercise outside & allowed outside for food, medicine, education, work, caring duties

Everyone needs to balance their requirement for physical & mental health during the time of the virus

Have you not been outside at all ?

Original poster

anxiousaboutcorona · 30/12/2020 22:15

@Sn0wFantasy932 Yes I have been outside. I have been shopping when needed but I do all my errands at once so it's just one trip rather than multiple trips in one day. It's not so much the trips specifically that bother me but rather how they love to tell me how busy the shops were, how many weren't wearing masks, how someone kept coughing right next to them, etc.

To be honest I think my emotions are getting in the way of me viewing this situation rationally. I am taking it personally when it's not, it's just shopping. I think it is upsetting me as my parent has not taken my health seriously in the past and I found that upsetting too. Earlier in the year I had a health worry and had to have an urgent referral and their first response was "omg what if that happened to me?!" rather than any concern for me.

OP posts:

MixMatch · 30/12/2020 23:01

@MMmomDD

I think you are being unreasonable, tbh. You make it sound like they are bending the rules and ‘going out’ - like having parties and mixing with people without social distancing. While in reality - all they do is go to supermarkets where people are keeping their distance, and wear masks.

@MMmomDD It's been MUCH harder on people who are extremely clinically vulnerable. It's not the same at all as everybody else. These are not "anxieties" for goodness sake. We're one of the worst hit countries in the world and on top of that OP is in an area at the very highest risk. For people in this group, death and life changing illness is very much an everyday reality for them when they come into contact with others. The virus also spreads through cross contamination of surfaces, and with supermarkets being enclosed indoor areas on top of that, there will be some transmission happening. A lot of people are not keeping to 2m social distancing throughout their time in the supermarket either. So many are carrying and spreading this virus even though they don't have symptoms themselves. I'm sure OP is taking all necessary precautions, but the reality is that it will be other people in their household who are by far her biggest risk to her health and life.

MixMatch · 30/12/2020 23:10

OP, in your position, I would try to get the household to buy as much as they can online. If you're in the CEV group, you will have priority supermarket slots so they can use your slots. Obviously if they need to pop out to buy something that's fair enough, but going round 4 supermarkets in one day is madness and pure selfishness.

Yes others in the household absolutely need to be going out for their mental health too, but they should be spending most of their time in much less riskier places e.g. on walks or outside spots. Any normal family member would do this voluntarily for someone they care about, and I would do it for anyone I lived with who's in a vulnerable position. You're certainly not being unreasonable.

If their behaviour continues, is there anywhere else you could stay for the time being?

Tryingtryingandtrying · 30/12/2020 23:20

Are you vulnerable or clinically extremely vulnerable?

Original poster

anxiousaboutcorona · 31/12/2020 18:01

I'm CV but not ECV, sorry for the confusion. We already do one main food shop a week so the extra trips are not essential, it's only to get things they fancy e.g. a particular bar of chocolate.

Another member of my household completely broke the rules today. They outright said to me that they do not care about the fact I'm CV.

I don't get it. I would do anything for my family. I can't even move out as quick as I want to as my start date for my new job has been delayed because I'm CV.

OP posts:

T1ramas000 · 01/01/2021 10:57

I think that needs to be a balance

Staying indoors means no fresh air, no change of scenery & limited exercise

When your job starts, will you be working from home or outside the home ?

It will be months, years until everyone is vaccinated

MMmomDD · 01/01/2021 15:29

All I am saying is that this extended period of being locked in is extremely hard on all - and we all have needs and issues and all struggle with something.
OP is living in her parents house - I presume. And she is anxious and wants them all to behave in a certain way.
It is both fair and h fair at the same time.
Some of the behaviours are a judgement call and people all make their own judgements.
Getting a chocolate bar that someone wants not be essential from one point of view. But if that person is struggling with MN in lockdown - making those socially distanced and masked trips to the supermarket may be what’s holding that person together from falling deeper into a hole of despair.
OP seems to want everybody to prioritise her - and I don’t think it’s fair.

In the end of the day - OP can take more control over her environment and confine herself to one room in the house and limit interactions with others in the house. She can wear gloves and a clean mask upon exiting the room - if this is what is needed from her point of view.

But she seems to fixate and look for signs of her family somehow being out to hurt her, while completely not recognising that they are also people who are also probably not in a great place.

Yummymummy2020 · 01/01/2021 15:32

My mum is the same and I was saving like you but just put the saving on hold and moved out, wasn’t worth saving money if I was stressed and at more risk so just said sod it. Best thing I could have done. I’m sure she missed the rent I was paying her but she wasn’t very careful and I felt it was only a matter of time!

Bluntness100 · 01/01/2021 15:37

Op, can I ask why you’re clinically vulnerable? And how old you are?

FinallyFluid · 01/01/2021 15:47

I am CEV, my 19 year old DS gets it, boggled your parents don't.

He told me that he and his bubble (two lads) since this started would like to spend NYE together, before I raised any objections he showed me their group chat and they had planned to sit in one of the guys shed with the door open. DH picked him up at 12.15.

He went out with three pairs of trackies on, four layers on top and a heavy jacket, he stripped off as soon as he walked in the door and DH put it straight in the wash, he then had a hot shower and went to bed. He has stayed in his room today. M's mother is very hot on shielding and called me and said what do you think, we agreed we would going forward buy more goodwill this way, she fed them pizza and cocktail sausages and sent me photos of them in the shed.

He won't ask again for a long time, because he gets it, I am boggled by your parents.

picklemewalnuts · 01/01/2021 17:12

It's ok to be anxious and it's ok to be disappointed family aren't being more careful. Unfortunately most people are feeling if they are allowed to go to a different shop every day then why shouldn't they.

You can't change how they behave.

Are you contributing to the household costs? If so, you can point out that you'll be leaving as soon as you can as they are not being careful.
If not, then staying away from them, refusing to get close to them, preparing your own food and ensuring you don't use their cup etc is pretty much all you can do.
Is there any thing you do for them, that involves getting close?

I'd crack open a window, wash a lot, wear a mask, and generally make it clear you are avoiding getting close to them.

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