Couples counselling success stories

[helpamummaout]

Hi everyone.
I've come here hoping to hear some success stories for anyone who has had couples therapy. Me and DP are on the brink of breakup down to a mistake I've made, I won't go into details as I don't want to be publicly bashed and already know I've done wrong. We have twin daughters who are 3 and both want to save it for their sakes. We have been together nearly 6 years and I hope we can make it work.
I just want to feel like there may be light at the end of the tunnel x

I’m a former couple counsellor and I had success rates which I think were pretty good tbh- and the best results were from those who had an agreed desire to salvage the relationship and grow and better themselves and each other. Those who recognised that both parties had aspects that led to the issues were good too- even when one person was deemed to have done wrong there was always fault on both sides. Often in fact the incident eg an affair which was seen to be the main thing making them seek counselling was actually more of a symptom of an underlying ongoing and unaddressed issue. Like a catalyst I guess? It often led to huge changes needing made which shook up the couple dynamic for good and ensured they’d work going forward.
Be honest. Be prepared for it to feel worse before getting better. It’s like having a handbag full of a mixture of essentials and rubbish- it all needs tipped out and examined before you can work out what needs kept and what needs chucked and what else you might need to get as extra.
Good luck 🤞🏻

Thank you so much for replying.
I suppose I will have to be honest on here and expect to get some stick but basically, I've had I suppose an emotional affair with my PT. It's not until after I've realised there's been things missing and I've without realising looked elsewhere for them. I'm not proud of what I've done and always been dead against anything like that. I think it's the usual thing of been together a while, young children, no time for each other and just acting as parents rather than a couple. Like you say it's been a bit of a catalyst and not until after I've put it all together. We had an initial consultation last night and deffo felt worse after but I know we both really want to try. All I ever wanted was a happy family and don't know why I've done what I've done.

We're in couples counselling right now and it's helped a lot. We started for different reasons but a break down of trust was the reason I sought help for us. Neither of us wanted to break up either so we both went in with a desire to improve things. We have been together for twelve years and had become parents rather than partners too. We both have found ways to communicate better and understand each other more. I hope this helps

Thank you @Heavymetaldetector , do you feel happier? I've just felt like we are so disconnected , covid certainly hasn't helped. We have no sex life, my fault though as I just don't want to. All part and parcel of not feeling connected though I think we're as that doesn't seem to matter to men. I just hope this will be what we need to kick us both up the bum and lead us to living happier lives, especially for the girls x

I am 5 sessions in following the discovery of my husbands affair. Its been really hard, the first 3 sessions were the most difficult and I am still undecided if I will stay and try or leave. The main aim was to get to a place where we could communicate and Co parent in the best way for the kids without an atmosphere before exploring the future of the marriage. The counselling has helped us to do this and has started to unpick and address some of the underlying problems. If you both want it to help and fully, openly and truthfully engage I think it can facilitate moving forward. Having the right person to work with you is also key to its success. Good luck.

I hope things work out for you @mumofpickles. We have another few consultations booked in to try and find someone we both gel with. We are both poor communicators so I hope this will help although I know it will be worse before it gets better but we are both committed x

DH and I have weekly couples counselling (although paused over Christmas for a month). It's helped us massively! We were right on the brink, yelling, arguing, hadn't slept in the same bed for over a year etc. but we fundamentally loved each other.

For us, it's all about communication. I think for it to work, you both need to be willing. We have two preschool age DC too and wanted to make it work for their sake. Good luck OP

Thank you @alex1889 it's really nice to hear that it is working for you. That's the thing we are a great time, great parents ect so I really want it to work we just need to fix these problems and I wish I'd of dealt with them before I did what I did but it's happened now and I just need to deal with that now

Anyone else

We have had couples counselling a few times. It was all useful. However us going off and each having individual therapy afterwards really helped. We each had to address unresolved subconscious / buried issues with our own upbringing that emerged when we became parents. We were both triggered to parent in the opposite way of our own parents and this was a massive clash.

We changed the counsellor after 3 sessions as he was just a bit "off" for me. Cant pinpoint why. Then switched to our 2nd choice & she's better, the sessions are better.

Go with you gut if the counsellor isn't 100% right.

Thanks both. Ive had individual sessions recently through work, could of done with more but only had an allocated amount. We have 4 consultations booked in, 1 of them does do singles session too as part of the process which she says it works better which I liked the sound of.

We've had several individual and couples counselling sessions this year as DH had an affair. The counsellor did make some good points and has made DH realise just how selfish he is and how I didn't think I mattered.
The last time we saw her (all meetings on zoom) she started off quite abruptly asking why we were there this time. I have decided that we won't see her again, but I would consider seeing someone else.
I hate counselling sessions, but by going to them I feel that we are working at the marriage. Of course there is a lot of hard work going on every day too.
I also think that individual sessions beforehand are very important to try and get to the issues that have caused the affair before you start working on the marriage together

Just a little update, had 3 consultations , chose a what we believe to be a suitable counsellor and will begin therapy next Friday. Until then trying to reconnect and spend more time together. So hard as normally we would go out for meals, have days out ect so trying to think of things we can do at home. We've bought some games ect and planning on making nice meals together (something we used to enjoy) but any other ideas appreciate 😊.

I do think that having children under 3 is v trying. After that age they are able to get in and out of the car, walk safely, feed themselves, are potty trained, dress themselves, wash their own teeth, play for some time independently and communicate better etc. It’s only when you are out the otherside you realise how much physical work under threes are and you did it x2. I hope that you can get back to enjoying each other and your DDs.

You're so right @Sssloou thank you for your comment x

Our former neighbours (who had 4 small kids by the time they moved out!) used to shut themselves in the kitchen once a week for an hour (glass panels in door so they could still see what was going on in the living room !!) and have a coffee together and just chat. No phones etc.

Going for a walk together is good too as the side-by-side position makes it easier to talk and listen - I appreciate it may be a little gnarlier with kids to keep safe too but it's still possible I'd imagine.

@Isadora2007 “ there was always fault on both sides.”
It’s just that sort of claptrap that marks the majority of couples counsellors out as charlatans. Sometimes there are problems caused by both parties and sometimes people are just victims. Would you tell a rape victim that she contributed to her attack because of the way she dressed? How do you account for the many people who are adept at hiding their true nature in the early part of a relationship only to later reveal they are Cluster B personality disorder people? What about less extreme cases where where are one partner is simply an immature dick at their core but just good at hiding it?

The counselling profession is sadly under regulated and populated with too many narrow thinking individuals who take a cookie cutter view of relationships and the issues they encounter. I honestly think it is closer to a cult than a intellectual discipline.

The greatest factors that dictate whether or not counselling “works” are the emotional maturity and willingness of both parties to perform emotional deep dives that go substantially beyond Pinterest positive affirmation quotes and the courage to be accountable for themselves (possibly the most lacking quality in all of humanity). Most people don’t have those because if they did, many of them wouldn’t end up in counselling in the first place.

@5pForAPlasticBag if you’d actually not quote half of a statement that I made you’d make a lot more sense.

“ Those who recognised that both parties had aspects that led to the issues were good too- even when one person was deemed to have done wrong there was always fault on both sides.”

I am NOT saying that in all cases there will be fault on both sides. So to link me to saying a rape victim would be to blame for their dressing etc is ridiculous frankly. I was saying in many domestic relationships that fall apart there is indeed fault on both sides even when it appears one has been more at fault eg in having an affair. And couples who are prepared to explore these faults and be accountable are indeed more likely to be successful. Which is a point you make yourself.

There may well be charlatans and uneducated people out there posing as counsellors. Many professions are unregulated and it’s not good when anyone practices out with their capabilities- especially not in counselling. But I can assure you I have a degree and a further diploma and a post graduate certificate all in counselling and or psychology and am not one of “those” counsellors you’re referring to.

As for your last comment about accountability “ Most people don’t have those because if they did, many of them wouldn’t end up in counselling in the first place.” that’s just not true. There is no shame in seeking counselling and not many people who wouldn’t benefit from a bit of third party support in having a good look inside themselves and space and time to do so.

I went twice and it only delayed the inevitable. All it taught me is that if relationship issues gets to the stage where you can’t sit down and talk about it yourselves like mature adults then it’s time to get out. I understand your concern about your DC, that was my worry too but they will be fine. I have known lots of couples who have been to relate etc, they all stayed together initially but 5-10 years down the line they have all separated. I would try individual counselling instead. I did find the person saying they were a counsellor and had a great success rate amusing. How could you possibly know the outcome of relationships 5+ years later? Your views will be biased for obvious reasons!

I think sometimes though @Baws it's not just about not being able to sit down like adults, some people need supporting in how to communicate their thoughts and needs, I know I struggle with this and so does my partner. I've had counselling separately recently through work and she was helping me with this, unfortunately I ran out of sessions!