A Question for those in relationships who don’t live together

[LivingMyBestLife2020]

I’m just wondering about those in long term relationships who don’t live together. How do you find it?

I met a man this year. We’ve been taking things very slow and obviously due to covid a lot of time has been spent texting and calling. Since the second lockdown we have bubbled as we are both single adults with one child each.

We talked a little bit last night about the future and where we were going etc.

I have a place at University for September 2021 to study midwifery. As a single parent my grants for childcare, maintenance loan etc are the difference between being able to go and not. It would mean if this relationship went anywhere, we couldn’t live together until I qualify in summer 2024. I would never expect him to fund me even though he’s in a well paid job and to be honest, I like living alone!

So how do these relationships work for those who have them? Pros and cons?

Thanks in advance

I have been in my relationship for 18 months, dont live together and it works for both of us. We make the effort to talk and FaceTime almost every day. We see each other every week if not every 2 weeks. However, we both don't want to live with another person. He made that clear early on so it was a choice I lived with or not. Thankfully, I am very happy living alone and have my daughter, career and loads of friends to keep in touch with when not with him and we are in our Autumn of our lives so that will make a difference. One thing you need to do is have a plan to work towards and it doesn't matter if its in 2024. You talk about that plan and use that as a goal both of you want to aim for. My partner and I have a goal of buying a holiday property together one day to enjoy when we are both retired. So it can work just as long as you have a clear timeline of things and you are both on the same page with it. If either of you have different expectations then that is where discourse occurs. Good luck with you course though!

Hi I have been with my OH for just over four years now and we still have separate homes. He stays here several nights a week and we do plan to move in together eventually but his ex wife is particularly difficult and the divorce is taking forever. BTW he had already separated and asked for a divorce before we met. She has even tried to claim half of my savings and pensions which apparently she can if we live together so we have had to hold off. It has caused some issues at times but we have made the best of it and actually I’m now very used to having a couple of days when he’s not around and I can do more of what I want without having to think of his preferred programme or whatever and actually that’s quite nice. I do sometimes think that we are then not a “proper” couple and there are issues with some basic stuff when you feel you would like to share more of the day to day responsibilities together which we currently don’t. Obviously cost wise running two houses is mad and I can see a lot of benefits for being together properly but we are where we are. We phone and video call when we are not together and always say goodnight to each other. So pros and cons! But it is possible to do it longer term for sure.

I'm in a long distance relationship (2 yrs) and for a variety of reasons we won't move in together for another few years.

I have my youngest going to Uni and until they have finished their degree and decided their next steps, I don't want to move. My DP can pretty much work anywhere and he also wants to possibly take early retirement in a few years . Either way, we have a vague plan for the future, to go and travel, then move in together.

We both are fine living on our own so feel there is no rush. I've made the mistake in previous relationships of rushing and don't want to go through that again. This relationship is the best we've both had and we want things to be right.

I'm in an 8 year relationship, currently 33 weeks pregnant with our second. I love it, I'm essentially a single parent and it suits me just fine. I've become so used to living alone and having my own space I will always be like this now!

Been living about 3/4h apart for 4 years and it works well for us - both in our 50s and enjoy doing our own thing, he has an 11yo. Advantages - keeps things fresh, you get your own space, children get their own space, no having to compromise over soft furnishings, can end it at any time if you like. Disadvantages - it takes up a bit more time than a live-in relationship: e.g. if I go to his 2 nights a week, on those nights I can't really go out and do something else, then roll in at his at 11 pm, or sit reading a book alone, as it would feel a bit cheeky. So those nights are booked. And I don't have all my stuff at his, so if I did want to read a book I'd have to deliberately take it with me. The positive side of that is that you do actually spend time sitting and chatting or doing stuff together.

If you both have your own place, who's going to check where you actually spend your time, though, OP?

I’ve been with my DP 8 years and we still live apart due to not wanting to disrupt the DCs re school and friends etc.

We have looked at the logistics of buying a bigger place for us all, but tbh I don’t think I could hack it living with him and his DCs full time. They’re much more sociable than we are so would have people around all the time, and I’d spend the whole time chasing after them to tidy up after themselves as they’re not very good at that stuff. A few self catering holidays all together have proved quite stressful for me, so I know I wouldn’t be happy if that was my life full time.

I appreciate my own space and having nobody to answer to when he’s at his house, but I do also feel lonely, especially when my DCs are all in their rooms online etc and I’m sat on my own watching TV in the evening.

He stays here 3 nights a week during normal times. At the moment, with Xmas and a period of covid isolation, it’s quite hard for me. He doesn’t seem to need to see me as much as I do him, which causes a lot of insecurity and upset. He spent Xmas day with his kids and his ex, and her family, while I was home with just my DCs. I was invited over but I don’t really like spending time with his ex so declined.

He’s just taken on two kittens, which feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth as it means he’s making a 15-20 year commitment to looking after them, whereas he hasn’t made any commitment at all to me in 8 years.

Honestly if I could go back and start again, I’d choose someone who had more time for me and who wanted to live together (as long as we were compatible there too - someone who would pull their weight around the house and have similar views on money etc)

As it stands, I’m just having to accept a part time lover and have no idea what the future holds - I suspect he’ll buy somewhere big and flash to entertain family and I’ll buy a small flat just for me, and he’ll pop round when he’s not too busy with everyone else.

My partner and I got together at the beginning of the year, and have managed as a pp said, phone calls, texting, facetime, being each other's bubble, etc. We do intend to join households in the future, but we are taking it as it comes for the time being.

I wouldn't want to live apart long-term, we miss each other loads.

You've only just met and as you have children, not moving in together for a few years sounds really sensible. It's not quite the same, but dh and I couldn't move in together until just before we got married, which was about 3 years after we met. And for all but 9 months of that time, we lived an 11 hour flight from each other and only saw each other every 2-3 months. We would message each other and talk regularly every day. We had 'date nights' every weekend, where we'd both be at home to chat (through messenger, this was years before zoom or skype were a thing, and international calls were very expensive). You just find ways to make time for each other. But really, most people don't move in together in the early few years of a relationship, especially with children, so that sounds fine. You can take it slow and make a home, if it's right, when you're ready later on.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble You don't have to accept anything...you can't go back, but you could start again. Sounds a bit of a rubbish deal you have at the moment.

Been with my DP for 18 months and just a few months before we met we’d both happened to buy our own houses following divorce. We’re quite happy for now, and do talk of living together in future, but don’t mind going between the two houses for now especially with the lockdowns it’s a change of scenery! It’s like we live together really but also have our own space, I quite like it.

Me and my husband lived apart for about 7 years, it was great, but when we finally moved in started to realise things about each other, and things started to feel quite different, I missed when we lived apart. We have broken up now. Basically he has a weed habit but didn't do it when we just met up a few times a week. So what I'm saying is I personally wouldn't leave it tooo long to move in next time.

Thank you all, mostly people seem to find it a good thing.
I mean, it’s not anywhere near a full on relationship stage yet but I don’t want to move it forward if it’s doomed from the start.
We don’t even do sleep overs yet because of our children but we do have days out and walks all together which I literally love.

He has property as well as a good job. We were out walking with the kids today and he told me he’s had an offer from a developer on the house he lives in (it’s an old pub on a large plot) for 3 times what he paid for it. He’s considering it and mentioned in passing his next house would have more bedrooms.

I’m happy as we are but we should probably talk in the new year to check we are on the same page.

Thanks again all