Scared of never finding someone new.

Jonnyb123 · 2020-12-29T23:11:53+00:00

So my GF of 4years left me back in July and my whole world was crushed as she was my everything and the love of my life. She now has a new boyfriend which crushes me even more. I have recently gone on tinder and bumble in the hope to try to talk to someone new and see where it goes but I have not had one match yet and tbh makes me feel like sh(t because I feel like am I that ugly no one find me attractive I mean I do only have 3 pics on there and there not the best as I don't have many pics I wouldn't say I'm bad looking I'm definitely no 10/10 stunning guy but I wouldn't say I am terribly ugly and all my exes have been very very attractive girls so I can't be that bad surely and when I go out in public shopping etc I get quite a few stares off females and even my work partner has noticed it not that they are looking because they find me attractive it could be anything lol. It doesn't seem to be working on these dating apps so how on earth will I ever find anyone. I have no friends anymore, I work in an all-male job, don't go out much especially obviously with covid and my confidence is at an all-time low. I am terrified I will never move on and find anyone as I don't see how I possibly can no one likes me on these dating apps and I don't ever go out anymore. I am only 24yrs and it is crazy I am having these thoughts but it is just the way my life is. Has anyone else ever been in this place and managed to get out of it?

Original poster

Jonnyb123 · 29/12/2020 23:23

24 yrs old*

OP posts:

CherryBlossomTree7 · 29/12/2020 23:25

Just relax and live your life. Don't focus on finding a partner. Focus on living your life and being happy.

It sounds like you need to work on your own happiness and wellbeing. Find some hobbies. Do you go to the gym? Running? Hiking? Football? Don't spend time worrying about meeting someone. Often, you meet people when you don't expect it.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/12/2020 23:33

I'm so sorry you're feeling despondent, and I understand, but I really feel that you're overthinking right now. Your girlfriend left you, we're in the midst of a pandemic, so of course things look bleak right now. You are only 24! You honestly have no appreciation for how young that is. My son will be 24 soon. You have so much time ahead of you, so please don't get down. Life will be improving soon and you'll have loads of opportunities to find someone. Just take this time to work on yourself and discover what you want out of life.

bluebell34567 · 29/12/2020 23:39

i wonder where did you find mumsnet from?

EarthSight · 30/12/2020 00:21

@bluebell34567

i wonder where did you find mumsnet from?

Probably his mum? Maybe he's heard something on Reddit about Mumsnet?

There's been a smally flurry of men on this board recently. At first, I disagreed with another woman about men posting on these boards (I was more neutral about it), but now I'm starting to change my mind a bit. Even though men are welcome on Mumsnet, it is called, and hopefully was intended to be primarily for women as it's important we have a space to speak to each other. Unfortunately, on an already busy board, the more men come on here on advice, the more women's posts, that are centred on women's issues and loves, disappear down the page more quickly as the men's posts take up space. The more men come on here, the more this is going to happen. Maybe they should have their own section to prevent this from happening?

bluebell34567 · 30/12/2020 00:26

also, i dont know their real intentions.

EarthSight · 30/12/2020 00:36

I am only 24yrs and it is crazy I am having these thoughts but it is just the way my life is

Yes. You're 24. Covid won't last forever. Give the apps a break - you are young and you actually have the time to be single for a while, so no hurry. Make sure you exercise as well. At least 1 x 30 mins walk per day if you can.

I think your first priority should be making male friends you own age, not trying to get another girlfriend, especially right now. You need to try and build a small support network. Just one or two people will do. Men who share your interests that you can hopefully meet up in real life and do stuff and socialise with. Once you have that in place, then you can focus on girlfriends. I know it's not the same as the intimacy of a relationship, but if you have that in place, you will at least have some support if your next relationship doesn't work out. You need to remember to maintain those friendships with them though, even if you then have a girlfriend, and offer them the same kind of support if they find themselves in the same position.

Also, could you start to pencil in one thing per month that you can look forward to, once Covid is over? It could be trying out a new hobby, going for a day trip somewhere, going to a festival, attending a workshop, even it means going alone?

Original poster

Jonnyb123 · 30/12/2020 09:47

@EarthSight

I am only 24yrs and it is crazy I am having these thoughts but it is just the way my life is

Yes. You're 24. Covid won't last forever. Give the apps a break - you are young and you actually have the time to be single for a while, so no hurry. Make sure you exercise as well. At least 1 x 30 mins walk per day if you can.

I think your first priority should be making male friends you own age, not trying to get another girlfriend, especially right now. You need to try and build a small support network. Just one or two people will do. Men who share your interests that you can hopefully meet up in real life and do stuff and socialise with. Once you have that in place, then you can focus on girlfriends. I know it's not the same as the intimacy of a relationship, but if you have that in place, you will at least have some support if your next relationship doesn't work out. You need to remember to maintain those friendships with them though, even if you then have a girlfriend, and offer them the same kind of support if they find themselves in the same position.

Also, could you start to pencil in one thing per month that you can look forward to, once Covid is over? It could be trying out a new hobby, going for a day trip somewhere, going to a festival, attending a workshop, even it means going alone?

Thank you! Yeah I go to the gym 6x a week as I am into bodybuilding so that’s been helping when they’re open that is lol

Thank you for your advise

OP posts:

Original poster

Jonnyb123 · 30/12/2020 09:49

@bluebell34567

i wonder where did you find mumsnet from?

It is one of the biggest forums in the UK and I found it when I googled “relationship forums” so yeah I came here as I figured there would be plenty of older people on it who have experienced this before and can give good advise. So don’t worry I’m not a troll

OP posts:

Cantmakeupmind · 30/12/2020 10:14

Work on yourself for a little while OP. Just because your ex has moved on doesn’t mean you have to. Work on being the best version of yourself and don’t force anything. Something great will come along naturally when you least expect it. Is there anything you could learn that you need to work on from your previous relationship?

bluebell34567 · 30/12/2020 10:55

thanks op, i hope you find what you looking for here then.

Wanderlusto · 30/12/2020 11:03

It's probably just the pictures.

Shirtless pics for example, can be intimidating, especially if you are built like a brick shit house. Do you mention being a gym buff? As again, that may put a lot of women off. It can make them feel insecure about their own bodies and think 'he is going to want some really health conscious girl' or just 'he will be more interested in the gym than me'.

Of course, there will be women who are similar to you that will match if you want someone that's spot on :) it's just a case of time.

But, re examine your profile and think on it from the perspective of those who may be looking. Say a little but not too much, post pics of you not you and loads of other guys so she has to guess which one you are, smiling photos are always good too.

Springfern · 30/12/2020 11:17

There's been a smally flurry of men on this board recently. At first, I disagreed with another woman about men posting on these boards (I was more neutral about it), but now I'm starting to change my mind a bit. Even though men are welcome on Mumsnet, it is called, and hopefully was intended to be primarily for women as it's important we have a space to speak to each other. Unfortunately, on an already busy board, the more men come on here on advice, the more women's posts, that are centred on women's issues and loves, disappear down the page more quickly as the men's posts take up space. The more men come on here, the more this is going to happen. Maybe they should have their own section to prevent this from happening?

This, this, this. It's the absolute entitlement, not only to women's space, but also their free and unreciprocated emotional labour which worries me.

Original poster

Jonnyb123 · 30/12/2020 12:27

@Cantmakeupmind

Work on yourself for a little while OP. Just because your ex has moved on doesn’t mean you have to. Work on being the best version of yourself and don’t force anything. Something great will come along naturally when you least expect it. Is there anything you could learn that you need to work on from your previous relationship?

There is tons I need to work on and have been doing as I made a few mistakes by being too full on and needy lets say and few other things. Loyalty is my strong point as I Believe loyalty is the main foundation for any relationship so I never was disloyal just too needy and didn’t act like a boyfriend should at times which now we’ve broke up I totally see where she was coming from and I am quite embarrassed at how I was and upset as I can’t go back now because if I realised long ago we would probably be together

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 30/12/2020 14:00

she moved on very quickly, i am not sure it will work. its best to take some break to see what went wrong.
you're very young. every relationship will teach you something. thats life.
you seem to have some good qualities, when covid ends you will have more opportunities. maybe will meet someone better than her.

Original poster

Jonnyb123 · 30/12/2020 17:39

@bluebell34567

she moved on very quickly, i am not sure it will work. its best to take some break to see what went wrong. you're very young. every relationship will teach you something. thats life. you seem to have some good qualities, when covid ends you will have more opportunities. maybe will meet someone better than her.

She did indeed and I know she doesn’t love him she’s just in love with the feeling of him treating her better then I did. Put it this way she met me last week for 5 mins as we was both in town and I could see it in her eyes she wanted to hug me etc and she was messaging me and I remember I text yet jokingly saying give me a kiss and all she put was “hahaha I can’t “ and 24hrs before she met this new boyfriends family she was sat on my knee kissing me saying she loves me and she still to this day gets jealous and goes crazy if I mention other girls... pretty strange behaviour from someone who’s in love with someone else

OP posts:

AsanteSana · 30/12/2020 19:21

I very nearly took the bait and thought about posting with some comments regarding your online dating profile and experience...

But, having just read your updates, I think you would be wise to close your OLD accounts. I do not believe that you are quite ready to move on - it sounds as though you haven't yet 'let go' of your former girlfriend, either mentally or emotionally. Therefore you are not ready to be contemplating a new relationship, you will only screw yourself up AND potentially cause distress, unhappiness and pain to, not only yourself, but, more importantly, a third party with whom you may connect on a dating website.

Leave it for a while until you have straightened yourself out and are truly emotionally available to a potential third party. Don't join the ranks of players, shits, wankers and assholes who seem to infest OLD.

Do yourself and everone else a favour.

Original poster

Jonnyb123 · 30/12/2020 20:01

@AsanteSana

I very nearly took the bait and thought about posting with some comments regarding your online dating profile and experience...

But, having just read your updates, I think you would be wise to close your OLD accounts. I do not believe that you are quite ready to move on - it sounds as though you haven't yet 'let go' of your former girlfriend, either mentally or emotionally. Therefore you are not ready to be contemplating a new relationship, you will only screw yourself up AND potentially cause distress, unhappiness and pain to, not only yourself, but, more importantly, a third party with whom you may connect on a dating website.

Leave it for a while until you have straightened yourself out and are truly emotionally available to a potential third party. Don't join the ranks of players, shits, wankers and assholes who seem to infest OLD.

Do yourself and everone else a favour.

Yes you are right tbh! But what do you mean by “took the bait” I am not trying to bait anything?

OP posts:

AsanteSana · 30/12/2020 20:20

I did not mean to imply that you are 'dangling a hook' so to speak - I was simply going to respond to your original post with some comments, which I thought might be helpful.

Your subsequent posts though, tell me that you are not yet emotionally available enough to tiptoe your way through the minefield which is OLD, where circumspection, caution and awareness must be the watchword, together with having your eyes and ears wide open and wits fully tuned.

I repeat my observations that you are not yet ready to venture into that maelstrom without causing yourself or others potential harm. Step back for a while and take stock of your life - you are still very young and have plenty of time! Lick your wounds, heal yourself THEN think about it.

This is meant kindly and I mean no offence, just a cautionary word or two from one who has been there!

Good luck

AsanteSana · 30/12/2020 20:24

For what it is worth, I too possess a Y chromosome and speak from personal experience

Original poster

Jonnyb123 · 30/12/2020 20:32

@AsanteSana

I did not mean to imply that you are 'dangling a hook' so to speak - I was simply going to respond to your original post with some comments, which I thought might be helpful.

Your subsequent posts though, tell me that you are not yet emotionally available enough to tiptoe your way through the minefield which is OLD, where circumspection, caution and awareness must be the watchword, together with having your eyes and ears wide open and wits fully tuned.

I repeat my observations that you are not yet ready to venture into that maelstrom without causing yourself or others potential harm. Step back for a while and take stock of your life - you are still very young and have plenty of time! Lick your wounds, heal yourself THEN think about it.

This is meant kindly and I mean no offence, just a cautionary word or two from one who has been there!

Good luck

Thank you very much I do agree tbh as I can’t lie I do still love my ex so much

OP posts: