In lust with another woman

[fridayneet]

NC for this. Am primary teacher and for the last year have been in most (love?) with a parent mum. She is in the middle of separating and we have socialized a lot together.

She messages me everyday, and has done for the last 10 months.

Her Dc will be in my class for several years due to pedagogy. She already told me that if she splits with her H, he has told her that he will not pay the school fees. She really wants the children in our school and that is a reason she stays.

I think (?) she might feel as I do, or at least that she really likes me but I am so scared that she is just looking for friendship and I have feelings that go beyond that so I just swallow them...

Not sure what advice you're looking for?

There are all kinds of ethical and professional boundary violations here - even if you weren't teaching her child. You can't help how you feel, but you shouldn't be socialising or exchanging personal texts with a parent in the first place.

@GrimskneeGrimsknee Dont be daft

They are both adults!!!! Shes not in a position of trust to the woman!!!!

@SomethingsGottaChange I hope you're not a teacher.

@Grimsknee you are 100% correct!! There would be SO much wrong getting involved with a students parent!! How is this even debatable @SomethingsGottaChange?!

Change schools and then see how things go.

Cant help who you fall in love with, teacher/parent
Doctor/patient whatever, still human beings. The only thing saying its wrong is the ‘rule book’
If theres a connection theres a connection, end of.

Ethics aside, there is no happy outcome to this for you. She is not really in the middle of separating if she is planning to stay for as long as her children need their school fees to be paid. You don't even know if she is romantically interested in you or if she's just using you as free counselling. If you carry on as you are you'll probably be doing the does she like me/doesn't she like me internal debate for years and then, once the DC have left your school, she'll disappear out of your life. That would be a waste of your time, so look elsewhere for romance.

@AmywithanL

Cant help who you fall in love with, teacher/parent Doctor/patient whatever, still human beings. The only thing saying its wrong is the ‘rule book’ If theres a connection theres a connection, end of.

Unfortunately that “rule book” is quite important if op wants to “keep her job” 🙄

Is this domythat has happened to you before? (an adult crush/unrequited desire, I mean) How has your experience of real two-way relationships been? And how much do you think the social and emotional desert that covid has swept over everyone accentuated this? I realise being single in 2020 has been really really hard.

It is unlikely she feels the same way about you I'd have thought, and at best she's in a complicated and potentially extremely painful situation gor the foreseeable future. It really does seem like the best thing for you to do is accept that it's not going to happen, and get on with your life without these feelings interfering with real life.

I am always really sceptical when i hear that someone would leave their OH if it wasnt for just one thing. In this case the school fees. So he is a man so bitter that he would take his own children out of their school purely to spite his wife? Do you believe he is that much of a monster? Im not saying their arent parents out there who would damage their childrens welbeing just to spite an ex, but is it likely thats really what is happening here?

My friend was strung along for 8 months, firstly because the other person couldnt leave because she wouldnt be allowed to see the dog and then of course it was because of lockdown, and then because she still loved her partner just wasnt in love. It would have gone on and on that way if my friend had not finally cut herself loose from the situation. Her heart was broken though. I agree with PP who have said there is unlikely to be a happy ending for you here. Thats before you even get into the questions around whether the feeling is mutual, and the ethical considerations.

You could go death or glory and tell her you are in love with her?

If you're not willing/ready/able to do that i would advise you to start putting more distance between the two of you, and try to put her out of your mind.

I would step back. And put in boundaries. She could be using you, to offer to pay the children's fees.

Are parents off-limits in the same way students are? It certainly sounds like a declarable conflict of interest but I’m not sure an actual ethical problem. OP isn’t in the same position of professional power over the parent as the child. Possibly I’m missing something or overlooking it because nothing is sweeter than women leaving their husbands and falling in love with each other.

Although, yeah, be very wary of ‘I’d leave him but...’. Don’t be the OW.

Aww, I am very much the opposite - a parent with a crush on a teacher :) No advice. But I know how very hard and heartbreaking it is.

My ex girlfriend dumped me for the mother of one of her primary school students. She didn't lose her job but it was quite a near thing and the head teacher did take quite a dim view of it. Be careful!

Just out of interest, do you work in a Waldorf school? It's the only system I can think of where a teacher stays with the same class for years. Sorry to be nosy.

Thanks for the above. You are all correct. I need to disconnect and look elsewhere. Thank you for the reality check.

And no, not Waldorf but an alternative pedagogy.